


The One That Doesn't Count

by Floopdeedoopdee



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jay Halstead Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 64,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee
Summary: As far as Jay Halstead’s dad was concerned, he had one child, Will, and let Jay know it every chance he got.  Jay whump.  Jay emotional whump. Poor Jay.   Dr. Patrick Halstead is a SUPER ASS!I’m ashamed that I’m 32 years old and I haven’t gotten it through my thick skull that my dad doesn’t love me and he never will love me.Story is complete (finally)
Comments: 106
Kudos: 387





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N  
> Warning: Themes and mentions of child abuse. Please don’t read if this is something that would trigger you.
> 
> The scoop:
> 
> Post Al, Erin, Mouse and Antonio. Jay’s dad is alive, a prominent doctor in Chicago and is an ass with a capital A.S.S. Jay has never talked about his dad one way or another to the team. Will and his dad are close.
> 
> Dr. Patrick Halstead had two children. If you asked anyone else they would say he had one. Jay whump, Jay angst. Mentions of child abuse.
> 
> I’m pretending Jay is 32. Work with me people!

**MONDAY MORNING**

“Please Jay.Come on.I’ll only be gone a week.You only have to go over there twice.Three times max.”

“Going over there once is one too many times.Hell, thinking about going over there…”

“Jesus Jay, can you just let bygones be bygones…Sure he can be an ass but he’s our Dad.”

I couldn’t speak…what could I say? He never felt like _my_ Dad. 

“Christ your an ass.Can you just do this one thing for me?This conference is important.I don’t want to worry the whole time about Dad.”

“I thought you said he was okay.That the surgery took care of it.”

Will blows out a breath in frustration.“He _is_ okay.But he still has to take it easy for a few more weeks.He can’t drive, he can’t lift anything.You know how he is, he’s still weak and he’ll over do it.It _was_ open heart surgery, Jay”

I can’t stop myself, “Wait, what?He actually has a heart?When did that happen." I cringe as soon as it comes out of my mouth.I might not have a good relationship with my Dad but Will does and I’m badmouthing someone Will loves and looks up to.

Will just stares at me like I’m an alien.“You know what Jay, fuck you.Forget it.I’ll figure something else out.”

Will storms out and slams the door.I plop down on the couch and put my head in my hands.Too many old memories stirring in my mind.Finally I give up and send will a text.

**Fine. I’ll do it.Text me the details.**

As an afterthought I send him another.

**Sorry about what I said.**

I sat there for another minute before heading out to work.My anger and anxiety ratchets up another notch; I can’t get my hands to stop shaking as I clip on my badge and gun.Fuck.

xxxxxxx

When Jay got to work he was in a pissy mood.He ignored the disparaging remark that Platt fondly flew his way.It was almost a game to them. The easy banter of two friends who wouldn’t admit to a friendship even if their lives depended on it.Jay didn’t see the scowl Platt threw at him as he buzzed himself through the gate and up the stairs.Voight was in his office, but other than him, no one else was in yet.He bypassed his desk heading straight for the break room, the only acknowledgement of his boss, a growl of “Voight” as he walked by the open door.He violently dumped out the coffee that was at least 2 hours old since he was sure that Voight had been in at least that long.He measured the beans, ground them and started the coffee.Then he ground more beans and then for good measure ground another batch.The grinder sounded angry.His spirit animal was a fucking coffee grinder.Fuckshitdamn.

Voight watched as Jay threw his gun into a drawer and slammed it, then stalked to the locker room where he heard a locker slam a few minutes later.He’s had enough when he heard a fist hit the wall and then Jay stomping down the steps to the rollup.

xxxxxxx

Voight leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and watched Jay shake out his hand and put a bloody knuckle in his mouth as he paced around the room, slamming the door to the cage on one of his laps.

“Am I going to get any calls about a path of destruction from your drive here today?”

No answer, more pacing. 

“Take a walk Halstead and don’t hit anyone while your at it.Cool down or I’ll put you in the cage and leave you there until you calm down.

Jay stopped, gave his boss a death stare and headed out the roll up.

“Jay…”

He blew out an exasperated sigh and looked at his boss.“What!”

The look of concern on Voight’s face quickly turned to anger but went back to concern when he saw the look on Halstead’s face and the tears in his eyes.

“…you okay, kid?”

Jay looked down and did his best to compose himself.“I’m fine.Just need a minute.”

“Take what you need.We’ll text you if we need you.”

Voight watched him go.He’d talk to Hailey and find out what was going on.

xxxxxxx

“Upton, my office.”

“What’s up Sarge?”

“What the hell’s wrong with your partner?”

“Sarge?”

“He came in early to day like a hurricane.He’s pissed about something.”

“He didn’t say anything to me.I’ll find out.”

She walks back to her desk, texting Jay. 

**Hey partner?What’s up?**

She expected an immediate response.When she didn’t get one, a tinge of worry wiggled its way through her mind.A glance at his desk confirms he took his phone with him.Hmph.She got a cup of coffee and walked back to her desk when she heard the ding of an incoming text.

**Voight talk to you?**

**Ya.What’s got you all riled up?**

**Nothing.It’s nothing.I’ll be back in a few.**

**Don’t hit anyone.**

🖕

**LOL**

Xxxxxxx

**Will:Apology accepted.Thanks for doing this Jay.I really appreciate it.So here’s the scoop:** **Try to see dad tomorrow, Thursday and then Saturday or Sunday. Make sure he is taking his meds.See if he needs any heavy lifting done or groceries or anything like that so he doesn’t do it himself.I’ll be back Monday night.**

**Will:Don’t let him drink any coffee**

Jay scoffs at that one.Like anyone could keep him from drinking coffee. 

**Jay:Anything else?How long do I have to stay each time?**

**Will:Nothing else.Stay as long as you want.**

**Will:…I know what you’re thinking…longer than one minute.Don’t be an ass.**

**Jay:2 minutes.Shouldn’t be a problem.Have a good trip.**

**Jay:BTW for the next month you’re buying at Molly’s.**

**Will:Like I said, don’t be an ass.**

xxxxxxx

As much as he tried not to be, Jay was cranky all day and after the first two outbursts everyone pretty much left him alone.He knew they were all giving each other ‘what the fuck’ looks but he didn’t care.He needed to be left the fuck alone or he honest to God thought he wouldexplode.On the third outburst, since Adam just couldn’t leave him the fuck alone, Voight sent him home.If they got a case they would text him. Jay couldn’t get out of there fast enough but still had to sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes before he was calm enough to drive.

xxxxxxx

Hailey had called that night to see if he was okay but he didn’t answer, so she texted him.

**You ok?**

**Fine.Just got a headache.**

**Ok.Feel better.Get up on the other side of the bed tomorrow. LOL**

**Will do…night, Hails…**

**…And sorry I was an ass today.**

**That’s okay partner.If you need to talk I’m here.**

**K**

xxxxxxx

You could say that Jay Halstead was always a mama’s boy and he was just fine with that.He loved his mom more than anyone in the world.He felt loved by his mom.He was also sure Will loved him.But Will was four years older and once Will hit 12 they were in their own orbits.But still he knew Will loved him. 

Jay also knew from a very early age that his Dad didn’t love him and didn’t want him.The first time he was aware of this was on Christmas Day when he was six.Three things happened.The first:His Dad gave Will a present but didn’t give him one.

Will and Jay were riding that Christmas high brought on by the excitement of the day.They were all in the living room and had opened all of the gifts where the tags said “from Santa.”Then they opened the gifts they gave each other.Jay passed them out.He was playing Santa’s helper that year. 

They each gave their mom and dad a gift and their mom and dad gave them each a gift.Will and he gave presents to each other and Will got a present from their dad. 

In the excitement, Jay didn’t notice it at first, not until later that afternoon when he and Will were playing with their new toys.Will was playing with the doctor bag his Dad had given him and asked Jay what Dad had given him.He looked over his gifts and shrugged.He didn’t remember any of them saying ‘from Dad’ but then he didn’t really pay attention to who they were from, and told Will so.That was the end of it.

Later that night, when everyone was in the living room watching TV.Jay went back to the piano room and looked under the tree, thinking he had missed the present from his Dad.He thought he had found it in the corner behind the tree but was disappointed and confused when the gift wasn’t for him but was the gift from him to his Dad.And although he didn’t quite realize it at the time, that was the second thing: his Dad discarded his gift.He didn’t know what to do with the gift for his dad, so he left it under the tree, but in front, where his Dad could find it and open it later.Then he joined the rest of the family for movie time.

His mom went to bed early, giving them all a kiss and a hug goodnight.Sometime during the movie, both Will and Jay fell asleep on the couch.He was aware when his dad picked up Will and carried him up to bed but fell asleep again before his dad came back down for him.Later that night Jay woke up, cold and having to pee.He was still on the couch.That was the third thing.All of the lights where off and everyone had gone to bed. When he was done peeing, he stepped on the little stool that made him tall and washed his hands.He looked at himself in the mirror.He thought he was a good boy and wondered what he had done wrong.He decided he would ask his mom in the morning.

The next morning while his mom was making breakfast, he asked her what he had done wrong.She told him he didn’t do anything wrong and asked why he thought that.He told her the three things and it made her sad, he could tell.Later when Dad got home from work, his mom and dad got in a big argument about him and that made his mom cry and Will was mad at him for making dad be mean to mom.

xxxxxxx

When Will turned 12 they grew apart a bit and weren’t as close.Will had his own life, lots of friends and he didn’t have much time for an annoying little brother.Sometimes they got along but for the most part they lived in their own little worlds.They were very different kids.Will was popular and a brainiac; outgoing, had lots of girlfriends and made their parents proud.

Jay was quiet, didn’t have a lot of friends…didn’t have any friends and was a good student but not as good as Will.He had a B average all through school and he was fine with that.Just like Will knew he wanted to be a doctor like their dad when he grew up, Jay also knew what he wanted to be…anything but a doctor.

It was when Jay was 11 that he realized what he did want to be.They were picking their Dad up at the airport and some army guys got off the plane first.Jay couldn’t help but stare.The first guy noticed him staring, chuckled, tousled his hair and said ‘how you doing little man?’The other three soldiers also stopped.Jay couldn’t say anything at first but boy, when he found his voice, he wore it out asking questions and they answered every one.When the soldiers left and called him buddy or bud or little man and gave him fist bumps or tousled his hair, he knew right then he was going to be an Army Ranger.Even when his Dad got off the plane, saw him talking to the army guys and scowled, didn’t alter his mood.It was like those army guys surrounded his heart, protecting it from his dad. 

He was able to hang on to that feeling for two days.Everyone seemed to notice but didn’t know why the quiet, sullen boy looked happier and had a light in his eyes.His dad knew though.He cornered him in the den when Jay was watching TV and doing his homework.He stood in front of him and didn’t talk until Jay looked up.The kid’s eyes were still lit up and he was smiling, although it faltered a bit when faced with his dad.“So, you want to be a murderer when you grow up, do you?”His dad sees the flicker of hurt on Jay’s face and smirks when the light leaves the kid’s eyes and any semblance of a smile disappears.Jay is able to hold the tears in until his dad leaves but once he’s gone, they fall and fall and fall, ruining his homework in the process.His heart aches and more tears fall as he realizes those army guys didn’t have a chance against his dad.

xxxxxxx

Maggie POV

Will storms into work looking like someone kicked his puppy and he was looking for payback.

“Whoa, Will.You okay?”

“Hey Maggie…What?”

“I asked are you okay?You’re upset.”

“Ya.I’m okay.Pissed but okay.Rhodes in yet?”

“He’s in surgery.What are you so pissed about?”

He blows out an exasperated breath, “I asked Jay to do me a favor and he’s being a jackass about it.”

“Must be some favor.”

“Actually it’s not.That’s why I’m pissed.I just wanted him to look in on our Dad while I’m gone and he threw a hissy fit.”

“He doesn’t get along with your Dad?”

“Understatement of the century.Jay can’t be in the same room with him without being a total ass.They’re both unbelievably stubborn but Jay takes it to a whole nother level.”

“Mmm…Dr. Rhodes’ll be out of surgery soon.I’ll let him know you’re looking for him.”

“Thanks Maggie.”

xxxxxxx

Early in her career, Maggie had worked with Will’s dad.She worked with him for eight years, up until he took the Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery position at University Hospital.Dr. Patrick Halstead was a pompous ass to the nth degree but he was proud of his son and was a totally different person when Will was around so she gave him a pass on the pompous.In listening to the elder Dr. Halstead you would think he only had one son, Will, the one that was going to follow in his footsteps; not once did he ever mention a second son, she had only met Will.She didn’t know Dr. Halstead had another son until Will had been working at the hospital for 2 months and Jay came to pick him up for a hockey game.

xxxxxxx

**TUESDAY MORNING**

Jay slept for about two hours last night and that was interrupted by nightmares.After the last one, he went for a long run.His mind constantly spinning about seeing his dad today by himself.He hadn’t been alone with his Dad since he left for boot camp; it wasn’t necessarily on purpose or at least not consciously anyway.Someone else was always around, he always had his mom or Will or someone as a buffer.He hated that he was anxious…no…scared…Fuck…scared to see his Dad.He was scared to see his dad.Goddammit! He was a cop; had been a soldier; he was a fucking adult.He shouldn’t be afraid to see his fucking god damn dad.

He pounded the pavement, his mantra a never ending steam of cursing.He had been running for just over an hour when he was brought to an abrupt halt…he was crying.At some point during his run, the cursing had stopped and his new mantra had become the familiar one of his childhood, ‘why why why.’ That just pissed him off all over again, so he took off at a faster pace…Fuck…Fuck…Fuck…the anger only lasted a little while until once again it was overtaken by his despair.God dammit!He couldn’t stop crying.

He jogged up the next block to the park and collapsed onto a bench.He put his elbows on his knees, held his head in his hands and sobbed.At some point he sat up to catch his breath and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes.Fuck.“FUCK!,” he yelled into the empty park.He was no longer bawling but the tears still fell no matter how hard he tried to stop them.

‘Why why why,’ the old song that played in his head on and off for 26 years.What had he done wrong?Why why why didn’t his Dad love him.He had asked his mom, “Oh, honey!Of course he loves you!Of course he does.”When he was 12 he had asked Will and Will gave him a 16 year olds response, “Because you’re a brat.”He asked his girlfriend, Allie, in high school, she scoffed, “Jay, your dad loves you.He’s an ass, yes, but he loves you.”He even asked his Dad once when he was nine or ten but his dad didn’t answer him, he just stared at him until he went away with tears in his eyes.

God dammit.He just didn’t get it.Why?As he got older the ‘why’ had become, for the most part, a fleeting thought.Occasionally he would fondle it, feel sorry for himself,turn the thought around and try to look at it from all angles but he stopped it for the most part when he was in the army and finally felt like he belonged.Then he became a cop and then a detective and then a detective in the most elite unit in Chicago.He was secure in who he was.He liked who he was.He even, at times, was grateful for his past.It was part of why he was who he was today.

But all that went out the window the second Will asked him to do the favor. Ugh, shit…he needed to get his shit together.He had to show up at his dad’s today as a 32 year old and right now he felt about 10 and that 10 year old was no match for Dr. Patrick Halstead.

xxxxxxx

After 15 minutes, Jay finally bit the bullet and got out of the truck.His mantra all the way up the walk was ‘fuck you dad.’He takes a breath, says one more Fuck.You.Dad. in his head for good measure, and knocks on the door.He’s just about to knock again when it opens and there stands his Dad.He felt a small tremor go through him and hopes it was internal and didn’t show on the outside.

“What the hell are you doing here.”

“Will wanted me to check on you.”

His dad ignores him and goes to the kitchen but leaves the door open.As he walks away, he says to himself but loud enough for Jay to hear, “Will…that kid…always looking out for me.”

His dad is taking his pills, washing them down with coffee.When he realizes Jay followed him, he scowls, “You’re still here?I’m fine you can go.”

Jay is calm, his voice flat, “Will said you’re not supposed to drink coffee.”

“What do you care?”

“I don’t.I’m just telling you what your son said.”

“You don’t get to come into my house and be an ass.You can leave.I’m fine.”

Jay remains calm, stoic, “Do you need me to get you any groceries or lift anything heavy?”

The disdain in his dad’s voice cuts him to the quick, “I don’t need anything from you.”

Jay flinches, “I know.” 

Jay’s almost to the door when his dad calls after him, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

He takes a breath continues out the door.He holds it together and is proud of himself for being able to pull off a surgical strike with his dad.5 minutes, in and out. He got in the truck and had to do sniper breathing to calm down.His hands still shook though as he started the truck and headed in to work.Fuck.‘One day down two to go.’ Was his mantra all the way in to work but it did nothing to curb his anger.

Pat Halstead watched the little shit get in the truck and breathe.He couldn’t help but smirk. Jay was 32 years old and still scared of his old man. 

xxxxxxx

The first time Dr. Patrick Halstead laid a hand on Jay, it was a backhand across the face when Jay called him Dad; he was 10.He wasn’t quite sure what he had done wrong, knew he had wanted to ask a question but to this day, couldn’t remember what it was.The backhand knocked him hard onto his butt, so stayed down and cowered against the wall, arms covering his head for protection, knees pulled up to his body, making himself as small as he could as his dad loomed over him, yelling about God knows what.His dad completed his tirade by telling him he was not allowed to call him dad.Never again did he want to hear that word come out of his mouth.That’s when Jay uncovered his head and looked up at his dad, eyes wide and mouth falling open, big tears rolling down his face as he continuously wiped them away.‘But…” was all he got out of his mouth before his dad raised his hand as a threat.He curled up again, head on his knees arms over his head.He was openly sobbing then.He didn’t know when his dad left and he didn’t know how long he sat there but eventually he made it up to his room without running into his dad and before Will and his mom got home.He cried himself to sleep that night, not understand his dad’s demand.That was the last time he ever called his dad ‘dad.’

xxxxxxx

From the second Jay came in that morning (late) until they caught a case three hours later,Jay walked a fine line between cranky and being a dick.Luckily the case kept them busy until 11:00 pm and he didn’t have time for either.He was the first one out the door when Voight told them the paperwork could wait until the morning.

xxxxxxx

**WEDNESDAY**

The next day Halstead dragged his ass in late, looking like he hadn’t slept in days.He gave a cursory greeting to the team, got a cup of coffee and started in on his paperwork. Voight gave Hailey a look and a nod towards Jay. She sighed and returned the nod, heading over to Jay’s desk.

“Hey partner, let’s go to Starbucks and get some real coffee.”

“Nah, I’m good…gotta catch up on my paperwork.”He harrumphs when she gives him that look that says, ‘I’m not taking no for an answer.’Voight has that look…his partner has become Voight Jr., great.He grabs his jacket, resigned to the fact that he was going to get a talking to.On the plus side, he supposes its better to be interrogated by Voight Jr. than Voight Sr. 

They are both silent on the drive to Starbucks; both in their own heads spinning on a strategy for the conversation.Hailey decides she’s not going to put up with any deflections.She’ll be damned if she’ll let Jay get himself jammed up again, though she’s not sure if that’s what’s going on.This seems different.She’s watched Jay.She saw the pain in his eyes when he got back to office on Monday.It was quickly replaced by anger but she saw sadness in his eyes more than once when he zoned out on his computer.When Voight sent him home, she saw a mix of emotions, anger, sadness, fear.Something was going on and she was going to find out what.

Jay spins the whole way to Starbucks debating whether he should talk to Hailey.Every time he decides he should, embarrassment overrides his decision, he’s an adult; it’s pathetic he can’t handle a visit with his dad. This is a part of his past that he hadn’t spoken to anyone about.Not even Mouse knew everything, but he probably suspected. 

They were in line when he finally decided what he would do.He wouldn’t lie but he also wouldn’t tell her what was going on.He could handle it.Will would be back on Monday and it would all be over, no harm no foul.

They got their drinks and found a seat in the loud coffee shop, a relief, he couldn’t hear his noisy head.

Hailey smirked at him, “Really Jay, a quad shot?I hope we get a case cuz you’re going to be bouncing off the walls.”

“Better than sleeping under my desk.”

“Equal of two evils as far as Voight’s reaction though.”

“That’s true.Maybe we’ll get a case.”

“One can only hope…so you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“No…”

“Jay…”

“Hold up, before you scold me, let me finish.”

She sees the tension in his shoulders, so she tries to make a joke (that is part truth.)She smiles when she says, “Well, if you didn’t act like a petulant child, there would be no need to treat you like one.” 

Her joke not only falls flat but she sees the pain that flashes across his face and immediately regrets what she said.Before she can apologize, he finishes his thought.

“As I was saying, no, I don’t want to talk about it.Just some shit going on with Will.He’ll be back on Monday, it should take care of itself.I’ll try to rein it in.”

She sizes up her partner.She can see he’s telling the truth.Maybe not the whole truth, but at least if it has something to do with Will, he’s not doing something that could get him in trouble.

“Okay…okay, let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do…should we head back?I’m sure Voight is waiting for your Halstead report.”

Busted, she smiles at the good humored smirk that comes with his snarky statement but before she could throw out her own witty comeback, they both get a text.

With relief, he states the obvious, “We got a case.”

“Guess Voight will have to wait for that report…”

They both had an identical thought…Monday couldn’t come soon enough.

xxxxxxx

**LATER** Voight started in as soon as they stepped out of the room.“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HALSTEAD!”

They didn’t hear Jay’s reply but obviously Voight didn’t like it because they heard Voight slam him against the wall and continue.

“HE LAWYERED UP!WE’LL GET NOTHING FROM HIM NOW!”

They’d all gone running for the interrogation rooms as soon as they heard Jay hit the wall and they all saw the flinch, out of character for Jay, when Voight got into his face and yelled at him.

Voight saw the flinch, he didn’t let go but eased up.What the fuck was going on with this kid?

He toned it down, “Nothing to say for yourself?”

Jay was frozen against the wall, hadn’t moved a muscle, except to purse his lips and force aswallow.

The fact that he got no response pissed Voight off all over again.“Get the hell out of here, if any more kids get hurt, that’s on you.Don’t come back until you get your shit together.”

They cleared a path for Voight to bulldoze back to his office.They all looked at Jay, still frozen against the wall; after a moment, he turned the other way and bolted down the steps.

xxxxxxx

**THURSDAY MORNING**

Jay had gotten NO sleep last night.Between fucking up the case and and knowing he would be seeing his Dad this morning he couldn’t shut his head off.His run at 3 am netted the same results as last time.Except this time he wasn’t able to get himself solidly into adult mode.His defenses were for shit; with the constant anxiety, the lack of sleep and yesterday’s fuck-up, it took two minutes for the adult Jay to be gone; replaced by a sad, scared, 10 year old, who now, stood powerless in front of his Dad.

His dad started in as soon as his he answered the door.“Why are _you_ here?Christ, when’s your brother coming back?”

He follows his Dad into the house.They head back towards the kitchen when his dad suddenly rounds on him and tells him what he thinks of his “son.”Ten year old Jay in a 32 year old body stands there frozen, his heart constricted with every word, with every declaration that he was a murderer. With the question of how many people he murdered, like a coward with his sniper rifle. With every comparison to Will, his “good” son, his “only” son. The new one, though, the one that extinguished the tiny flame of hope that someday his Dad would love him, was the one that shattered his heart.It was when his Dad told him, "he would never cease to be angry at his mom for not getting the abortion he demanded.” 

His dad walked away then and left Jay standing in the foyer. When Jay wiped away few tears that fell without his permission, he took a moment to compose himself and followed his Dad.He should have left. 

“Jesus Christ…are you stupid or what?”

Emotions safely shoved down to be examined later, Jay fulfills his promise to Will.

“Did you need me to take out the trash or get you anything from the grocery store?”

“You’re like a god damned dog with a bone…fine take out the garbage…make Will happy.”

Jay doesn’t acknowledge his dad but turns to get the trash.As soon as he turned and felt his dad grab his hair, he realized his mistake.His head is slammed into the wall with a considerable amount of force, heart surgery hadn’t weakened his dad a bit.Jay claws at the wall to keep himself from falling but doesn’t succeed and goes down hard to his knees.He sits on his heels a minute, knowing he has time to get his equilibrium back when he hears his dad getting a cup of coffee. He can’t help but chastise himself. He should have seen it coming.It’s not the first time his Dad got him with that one.

When he’s able, he stands, grabs the garbage and takes it out to the bin in the garage.When he comes back in he ignores his dad leaning against the counter drinking coffee.Jay sees the blood on the wall and wipes it off with his sleeve, pulls his sleeve down more and presses it to his brow.

He clears his throat, “Did you need me to get some groceries for you?”

His Dad regards him with contempt.“No, I got what I needed.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhhhh...here we go...

Jay is on automatic pilot when he leaves his dad’s, when he gets in his truck and when he drives away.Three blocks down he pulls over, knowing he’s far enough away from the house and shouldn’t drive any further.He looks at his sleeve, it’s soaked with blood so he replaces it with some napkins from the glove compartment.He’s not sure how long he sat there staring out the windshield at nothing but long enough for the blood to soak through the napkins and run down his face again.He grabs another stack of napkins to replace the the blood soaked ones, wipes off his face, puts more pressure on the cut and drives to Med.If he was thinking straight, he would have gone to another hospital or an urgent care, but he wasn’t thinking straight, so this would inevitably bite him in the ass.

xxxxxxx

MED

When Hailey walks into the ER, she heads straight to Maggie but is cut off by Ethan.

“Hailey…”Ethan ducks in to an exam room grabs something from the counter, then heads her way. “Glad I caught you.Can you give these to Jay.They must have fallen out of his pocket.”

“Sure…Wait, Jay was here?”

“Ya, he just left.The cut to his eyebrow needed stitches.”

Hailey is puzzled.“Huh…how did he get the cut?”

“Oh, thought you knew.He said a CI punched him. He’s going to have a nice shiner.”

“Oh, ya okay…”

“Thanks Ethan.What room is Jamie Marcus in?I have to ask her some follow up questions.

xxxxxxx

Jay hears the knock and considers not answering it until he hears Hailey’s voice and knows she'll just keep knocking or just come in since she has a key. He gets to the door just as she’s opening it. 

“Oh…Hey…wasn’t sure if you were here.I brought your keys.You left them in the ER.”

Something crosses Jay’s face and she could swear it was fear but lets it slide for now.

“Wow!That’s gunna be a nice shiner.Ethan told me what happened.I didn’t know you were going to see a CI.Why didn’t you tell me? You’re supposed to log it and tell someone.” 

“CI called on the way to my way in.Stopped on the way.”

Something is off, “What CI did you go to see?Are you going to file tomorrow?”

“Probably…maybe…thinking about it.”

She notices he didn’t say who it was just deflected to the second question.

“Jay, you can’t keep a CI on the books if he attacked you.You have to file and add assault to the initial charge that you were holding.”

“Ya, ya I will…”

“You going to be good boy tomorrow or is Voight going to end up sending you home again?”

He looks away.Again, humor that should have brought on some snark falls flat.

He clears his throat,“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hails.Thanks for bringing my keys.”

“No problem.See ya tomorrow.”

xxxxxxx

**FRIDAY**

Jay hadn’t been sure he actually _would_ go in to work this morning but Hailey texted that his fuckup hadn’t resulted in anymore kids getting hurt.Jackson had confessed last night.So he went in but looked like absolute shit.He thought Voight would lay into him again but apparently he was getting a pass or maybe Voight thought putting him into the wall was punishment enough.Either way it was good because he wasn’t sure if would’ve been able to handle any more shit. 

“Nice shiner Halstead, Hailey told me what happened.File today.I wanna see the warrant in the computer by the end of the day.”

“Will do Sarge.”

“You good to go?No concussion?

“No concussion.”

“Good.”

xxxxxxx

“Shit Jay, that is one ugly shiner.”

He tried for normalcy, “Still better looking than you Adam.”

“He’s got ya there.”

“What the hell Kev?You’re my partner.”

He just shrugs.“I gotta tell it like I see it dawg.”

Hailey laughs with the rest of them. Adam goes back to paper work, as does Jay.Jay’s demeanor this morning relieves a bit of the worry she had.When she talked to Voight this morning they agreed they would need to keep an eye on him.

Jay sat looking at his computer.He was so fucked.He couldn’t file on any of his CI’s.It was a stupid excuse.He should have known his excuse would get back to Hailey or someone at work.Now he was fucking stuck. 

Hailey was almost finished her report on Jamie Marcus when she caught Voight’s eye.Voight lifted a chin towards Jay.It didn’t look like he had moved in the last half hour.He was just blanked out on his computer screen.She looked back at Voight and shook her head and shrugged.She had no idea what was going on.

“Halstead!My office.”

Jay jumped and looked confused for a second before he got it together and went into Voight’s office and shut the door.As soon as the door shut, she was over at Jay’s desk.He didn’t have his CI file up on the screen and didn’t have the paperwork on his desk.What the fuck was going on.She had the sinking feeling that Jay had gotten himself jammed up again and she wouldn’t able to help if he didn’t let her in; and it might be too late to help when the shit finally hit the fan, which was inevitable.

They all watched Jay head in to Voight’s office, “What’s going on Hailey?”

“Nothing Adam, it’s fine.”

Adam let it go and looked around the room, “Hey, we still all going to Molly’s tonight?”

He was happy when everyone was still in, even Hailey. 

“Think Jay will go?”

“He should still be down for it.”

“Awesome.”

Everyone goes back to work.Hailey lingers at Jay’s desk a minute so she can get a look at Jay’s in Voight’s office.She can see Jay’s mask has dropped into place.Shit.Voight’ll get nothing from him.

xxxxxxx

“Take a seat Halstead.Now, you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Jay sit’s, takes a breath and tries to save his bacon regarding the CI.

“I don’t wanna file Sarge.He’s a good kid.He screwed up in the first place and he screwed up again yesterday.But he was scared and got spooked.He was freaked out about it afterwards, sorry for what he had done and begged me to not to file.He’s trying to turn his life around,”

“What’s the initial case?Was he carrying?

“No.Possession, not for distribution but close, evading arrest, obstruction, damage to property when he ran.”

Voight stares at Jay.He knows he’s going to let the CI thing slide because he doesn’t think a CI hit him. But he’s wondering who Jay’s covering for or if Jay’s got himself in trouble again.

“No reason to jam the kid up.Let him know this is his last chance though.Anymore missteps by the kid and you _are_ filing.”

“Great.Thanks Voight.”

Jay had almost made a clean break when Voight throws a question at his back, “You in trouble again?”

Shhhit.Jay takes a breath and turns around.“No!No Sarge.Just don’t want to jam this kid up.”

Voight sizes up Jay and doesn’t believe him for a second.“Close the door on your way out.”

Jay, feeling like he dodged a bullet, goes back to his desk and gets very busy on his computer, gives Hailey a smile and looks at Adam, “Hey, we still going to Molly’s tonight?

“Hell, ya!”

xxxxxxx

She got to Molly’s late because of the conversation she had with Voight. Voight was worried about Jay but more pissed that Jay wasn’t coming clean.He was sure that Jay had gotten himself jammed up again.Hailey wasn’t so sure but could see her boss’s point.She was worried about Voight’s last statement; resigned to the fact that there would be nothing she could do about it; ‘ _I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s going on, what he did, but I’ll be damned if I let him take this Unit down with him.As much as I don’t want to, I’ll cut him loose in a heart beat.’_

MOLLY’S

Adam waves her over to their table, “Hailey!”

“Man it’s crowded in here tonight.”

“Trivia night.Where’s Jay.”

“He’s driving himself.”

They all debated getting involved in Trivia Night but in the end decided against it after the last debacle.Last time they had gotten so wrapped up in their conversations, they lost track of the game and came in last. Being in Intelligence, they got a lot of shit for that.

Jay still hadn’t shown up a half hour later. 

**Hailey:Where are you?**

**Jay:Shit sorry, I meant to text you.I’ve got a killer headache…**

He opted for a partial truth, hoping it would stop any questions and ease the worry he was sure she was feeling.

**I’ve been sleeping for shit, going to turn in early.Tell everyone I said sorry.**

Okay, at least he didn’t try to hide that he wasn’t sleeping well…

**Hailey:No problem.Feel better.AND you’re gunna owe me…Adam’s going to pout and I’m going to have to put up with it.**

**Jay:Ha!You’re right. I will definitely owe you!See ya Monday.Night Hails.**

**Hailey: Night.**

Jay sits on his couch watching the game.He’s on his third beer; but knows he’s going to get drunk and prefers to do it at home, alone, where no one can witness his tears or feel the brunt of his anger and he knew that one or the other would happen as soon as he got enough alcohol in him.

He felt bad about lying to Hailey but glad she didn’t put up a fight about him not going to Molly’s.He slouches on the couch and stares at the TV not really seeing the game anymore.He was almost asleep when he was startled awake by the ding from his phone.

**Hey how’s Dad doing?**

**…**

**…**

**He’s good…an ass but good…par for the course.**

**Christ Jay.Maybe if you were nice to him he wouldn’t be such a jerk.**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**Hey Will…last time I was there he was good and seemed pretty well set up with groceries.I took the trash out for him so I probably won’t go over this weekend.I told him you’d be back Monday night.**

**Come on Jay, I asked if you can go see him for a reason.I just want him to know we’re checking on him, it’s less likely he’ll do something stupid and hurt himself then. Why don’t you try leaving your attitude at the door and he won’t get so defensive.Maybe you guys could actually have a good visit.Watch a ballgame or something.**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**…**

He didn’t know what to say to that, so he settled on a lie; **Gotta go.Caught a case.**

**Be safe.Let me know how the next visit goes with Dad.Just give him a chance Jay.**

Jay watched his hands flip his phone over and over to the rhythm of the mantra spinning in his head; **just give him a chance. just give him a chance. just give him a chance.** “NO!” he screamed, throwing the phone as hard as he could at his TV, shattering them both on impact.Stunned, he stared at his TV for a minute, got up, unplugged it, and got another beer. 

Beer in hand, Jay plopped back onto the couch and zoned out on the destruction that was his 60” TV until he fell asleep.He dreamt of the first and only argument he had witnessed between Will and his Dad; the argument that Will believed all Jay’s animosity towards their dad came from.Will agreed their dad was an absolute asshole that day but felt Jay should forgive him and was an asshole for not forgiving him. 

Jay had just finished his second tour and was home for good.The war hadn’t quite caught up to him, so he wasn’t fucked up beyond belief yet.Will was home for a week and Jay had agreed to stopping by their Dad’s with him on the way to lunch.He had considered waiting in the car while Will did whatever he had to do, but Will convinced him to come inside.He was prepared for his Dad to be an ass to him but he went in anyway because he still held onto the sliver of hope that _maybe_ his Dad would be glad to see him, would _maybe_ be proud of him.That _maybe_ , since he had been gone for so long, and/or been injured, maybe his Dad would love him or at the very least, maybe be kind to him.

But that idea was a pipe dream, his dad started in immediately, didn’t even want Jay in the house.Will knew what his dad thought about war, but he didn’t think he would be so harsh when it came to his own son.Will’s discomfort was palpable, he was stuck in the middle, he loved them both.He was proud of his brother and wanted to try to mend fences after what went down with their mom but at the same time, Will didn’t want to go against his Dad; they had never fought before.Jay could say nothing, just stood there and let the tidal wave of his Dad’s contempt engulf him.

_“You are not welcome here, I will not have a murderer coming into my house.”_

_“DAD!What the hell!”_

_“What?War is evil and unnecessary.It was your brother’s choice to take part in it.In my view that makes him a murderer.”_

_“Jesus dad, he’s not a murderer.He was a soldier, a Lieutenant in the Army Rangers, he was protecting our country, our freedom.”_

_“He’s a murderer.You won’t convince me otherwise.”_

_“Dad, he got a Purple Heart and a…”_

_“What?He get shot? Too stupid to duck.”_

_“DAD!Jesus!He’s your son! … You should be proud…And he didn’t get shot…he was a POW…he saved…”_

_His dad interrupts. “So… what?You think that makes him some kind of hero, some war hero?It doesn’t matter what medal’s he gets. He’s still a murderer.”_

_“DAD!”_

_Jay tried to keep a straight face; but the despair became overwhelming and he was unable to pull it off.Will didn’t notice the devastation on his brother’s face; he also didn’t see the smirk of satisfaction on his dad’s, but Jay saw it._

_Will hadn’t noticed Jay leave until his dad yelled ‘good riddance.’When Will didn’t follow, Jay wondered if he was still arguing on his behalf, or if he was apologizing to their dad for being ‘disrespectful’ and arguing.Probably a little of both._

_After Jay left and walked home, he realized that Will basically gave his Dad a resume of his qualifications as if to say;‘Look, he’s worthy of your love.He’s done a great job.You should consider treating him as your son.’And his “resume” wasn’t good enough._

xxxxxxx

Jay was woken up by the same emotional pain he had felt that day.The pain in is heart had been so intense as he walked down his dad’s driveway, he actually thought he was having a heart attack until he recognized it as the pain he felt whenever his dad took a sledgehammer to his heart.Over the years his dad had many ways to wield that sledgehammer; but his go-to when Jay got older was that he was a “murdering soldier.”

That was the last time Jay saw Will until he moved back to Chicago six years later.They had exchanged a few texts in that time but that was it.The day of that fight was also the day his ‘fucked up beyond belief’ started, he had called Mouse as soon as he got back to his apartment.Yes, eventually Mouse and he would save each other from themselves but before that, they went down the rabbit hole together.Mouse may have had a bit of a head start on the destructive behavior but Jay joined the trip that day.

Jay downed the rest of his warm beer without realizing it. He was lost in his thoughts, wondering if that confrontation was what started his subconscious need to make up for something, something he had done wrong.That he had to prove (to himself or the world) that he was good.He ultimately decided that he had always felt that way, that day had just turned a pilot light into an inferno. 

xxxxxxx

**SATURDAY**

Jay had been sitting in his truck, 4 blocks away from his dad’s for a little over an hour. His mind spun in a million different directions but what he always circled back to was self loathing.He hated that without fail and in a matter of minutes of being around his dad, he reverted to that wounded 10 year oldkid again.Being around his dad stripped away everything that he was, who he had worked hard to become, someone he was proud to be.His dad could snuff out Jay’s self worth in a blink of an eye; and he hated that he let his dad do that to him.He hated feeling powerless.He hated doubting himself; and that probably hurt him more than anything.

He just had to get through one more day and then he wouldn’t have to see his dad ever again.Or at least never without Will.He just had to get through one more day and he and his dad could return to the status quo - a mutual denial of the others existence. 

He finally bit the bullet and drove the last four blocks.Rip the band-aid off.Get it over with.A five minute surgical strike.He didn’t have to think of what to say, hell, Will basically wrote the script for him; Did you need me to take out the trash? Do you need me to lift anything heavy? Do you need me to get you any groceries?That’s it.Ask the questions, leave.He could do this.He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans.He could do this.

xxxxxxx

He slowly became aware of his body and with that awareness came pain.The coldness of the tile under his throbbing cheek; _he never saw the right hook._ The ache in his lower back; _blow after blow after blow to his right flank._ The sting of his bottom lip; _his head smashed it into the counter._ The twinge, the tenderness of his throat when he swallowed; _a vice like grip around his neck, crushing off his air._

Jay could hear a tv playing in another room and in his confusion, wondered where he was.Footsteps and a kick to his gut hard enough to toss him over onto his back, brought it all back.He sluggishly pulled a leg up to elevate some of the pain but it fell back in place.He clamped his mouth shut in an effort to quell the nausea.He forced himself to open his eyes before his dad could do something else. 

“You’re awake.Get the fuck out of my house.”

He could feel the blood on his face some flowing, some dry, making his face feel tight.He wondered how long he’s been out.He looked up at his dad and couldn’t help the tears that leaked from his eyes.

“Dad…”

It was the first time he called him ‘Dad’ in 22 years but he couldn’t help it, it just came out of his mouth.It earned him another kick causing him to groan and roll over.The kick was to his side but he felt it in his heart.

He smirked at the anguish in his “son’s” eyes, “I told you to get out.”

Jay rolled onto his stomach then, blood dripping on the floor as he pulled his legs under him until he was able to sit back on his heels.He grabbed for the wall and missed as the world spun then tipped, sending him back onto his side.He landed with a groan, the world went white and he closed his eyes to the pain.A kick to the sole of his boot reminded him of what he was supposed to be doing and he repeated the process, except this time he was able to hold onto the wall and ultimately get his feet under him.He leaned his shoulder and head against the wall, using one hand to steady himself, for as long as he dared, before he made the attempt to adhere to his dad’s wishes. 

Jay moved away from the wall when he felt the heat of his dad’s aggression, forcing himself to move despite the dizziness.He willed himself to stay on his feet and not throw up.He stumbled towards the sound of the TV, knowing that was the way out. His body was taut, waiting for the blow that was sure to come since his dad walked closely behind him.His unsteady gait finally got him to the door without any further contact from his dad. 

He thought he had made it and was just about to open the door when his dad shoved him hard against it and landed a few more jabs to his back, causing him to cry out and lose his feet again.He went down and ended up sitting on his heels.The only thing that kept him from falling the rest of the way was his grip on the door knob.His dad had walked away as soon as he had landed the last punch, so Jay gave himself a moment to breathe.He put his other hand on the door and leaned his head against it for a second then got himself back on his feet. He saw his blood on the door, closed his eyes and willed himself not to wipe it off.

As soon as he was out the door, he leaned against the house, giving himself a minute to get his bearings.Now what.He wiped his sleeve across his face smearing the blood and tears, hoping no neighbors were out and about.He just had to get to his truck and he could figure it out from there.Just get to the truck, get to the truck, one step at a time.Halfway to the truck he stumbled. The veil of adrenaline lifted and what just happened sunk in. The tears started again and didn’t stop.It took everything he had to keep going, _just_ _keep going,_ despite his aching heart screaming at him to do otherwise.

He didn’t know how long he sat in his truck, didn’t know if he passed out or zoned out but when he finally came to he took a look at himself and panicked.He had no idea how he would hide this from Voight, Hailey.He had no idea how he could hide this from Will. He cleaned off as much blood as he could with napkins.He was in a world of pain and knew he couldn’t drive, he couldn’t keep the world from spinning or tilting.He called an Uber.The driver was a little freaked out by his appearance and wanted to take him to the hospital but he assured him he would be fine, that his brother was a doctor and they lived together.He was unable to stifle a groan.Again he assured the driver he was fine and leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t puke in the guy’s car.

xxxxxxx.

He made it to his apartment without falling or, thank God, running in to anyone.He rests his forehead against the door while he digs his keys out of his pocket.Unlocking his door turned out to be a bigger challenge than he would’ve thought since he couldn’t get his hands to stop shaking.It almost tipped him over the edge as the frustration with himself grew with each try. He finally made it into his apartment and stumbled to the bathroom to shower.Getting undressed was painful.He got his shirt off and unbuttoned his jeans when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. The bruising on his torso was significant but a shirt would cover that up.He scowled, there wasn’t anything that could be done about his face, he would figure that out later.The hand prints around his neck were already bruising and would, without a doubt, get darker.A hoody would hide those. He closed his eyes to the sight before him.He had a vague recollection of his dad slamming him into the wall and choking him; yelling at him but Jay didn’t understand what his dad was saying; he was too focused on the hate in his dad’s eyes as he choked him unconscious. 

Jay opened his eyes.Eyes open, eyes shut, both revealed a reality that hurt.He looked at the little boy staring back at him in the mirror.He didn’t know what to say except, “I’m sorry.”The little boy continued to look at him but there was no forgiveness in his eyes.Then the little boy was gone and once again Jay was staring at himself.He saw pain, sadness, then ultimately anger.His fist flew, hitting his reflection in the mirror.He looked at the fragmented reflection of his face, watched as the tears fell from one fragmented piece to another; watched at pieces fell and shattered on the counter until there was one small piece left.He waited for it to fall but it hung on.When the stubborn piece refused to fall, he removed it himself and set it on the counter; the pointless metaphor was not lost on him.

He makes the water as hot as he can stand and lets it roll down his back.His head rests on the arm he’s got against the wall.He watches the red blood drip from his knuckles, turning pink in the water before it swirls down the drain.His tears are lost in the water that flows down his face.At some point, the heat or maybe the slight concussion he is sure to have makes him dizzy.He sits down and pulls his knees up.He leans his head back against the tile, wincing when he hits the tender spot from having his head slammed into the wall. 

He recites the alphabet in his head, anything to escape his thoughts.He recites the Arabic alphabet, counts to 100, counts to 100 in Arabic, does multiplication tables.But no matter what he does, his thoughts invade with a vengeance. _Why didn’t he fight back! WHY DIDN’T HE FIGHT BACK! WHY DIDN’T HE FIGHT BACK!Why didn’t he protect himself, why did his dad hate him, What did he do wrong, why didn’t his dad love him, had he ever loved him - even as a baby.Had his mom known, had Will known - He honest to God didn’t think his Mom or Will knew.His dad was slick, Jay was a good actor and isolating himself was his norm.He refused to believe otherwise, he didn’t think he would survive if he found out they knew._ Finally, he gives up and lets his emotions do what they will.He’s lost in his head, sobs racking his body, undoing any reprieve a hot shower could do for his aching muscles.He is only able to escape his head when he is startled by the cold water from his shower.He groans and after a few failed tries, his muscles get their shit together and he’s able to get out of the shower.He wraps a towel around his waist, not bothering to dry himself and leans to the side against the wall until he is ready to move. 

When the world stops spinning, he opens his medicine cabinet and grabs the bottle of Vicodin he has left over from some injury or another.His eyes catch the small but tenacious piece of mirror on the counter, picks it up on his way out of the bathroom and takes it with him.Moving slowly he makes it to his bed and removes the towel, in too much pain to even try to get dressed, he sits, takes two Vicodin dry and lays on his uninjured side.He looks at the piece of mirror for a moment, then puts it on the nightstand, not taking his eyes off it as he drifts into an uneasy sleep.

xxxxxxx

**SUNDAY**

At 4:00 pm the next day, he wakes up in a world of hurt.He had slept for over 20 hours.He groans as he reaches for the Vicodin and takes two.He waits for them to kick in before he even tries to get up, taking the bottle with him.Putting on sweats and a t-shirt ratchets up the pain to 10.He wants to take another Vicodin but resists the temptation of a painless stupor.He puts his hands on the dresser, head down until he has breathed through the pain enough to move.He makes it to the kitchen, after what feels like a ten mile hike and grabs a couple bottles of water.He chugs one and opens the other and sips more slowly.He eyes the couch with longing but knows if he sits down he’ll never get up.He needs to get his truck.He still has a brain sucking headache but any other concussion symptoms are gone, (for the most part) so he’s pretty sure he won’t crash.He remembers the state of his neck and swears all the way back to the bedroom to grab a hoody, he continues his stream of cursing as he pulls it over his head.He sees the blood on his pillow and realizes he needs to address the cuts on his face also. 

Seeing the destroyed bathroom mirror he looks at his hand; bruised, a few cuts, but no stitches needed, he leaves his hand alone.He looks in the medicine cabinet mirror and wipes off the dried, smeared blood, puts new butterfly strips over the older cut and covers it with a bandage.He ops for just wiping the blood from around the cut on his cheek, hoping it won’t open and start bleeding again.He looks at his split lip, knows better than to touch it, so leaves it alone.

An hour later, and grateful for a quiet Uber driver, he is sitting in his truck staring at his dad’s house.He wanted to leave right away but realized that even if his head might have felt clear enough to drive it probably wasn’t. Sometime later, at a moment when he came out of zoning on his childhood home he started his truck and drove two blocks, made a right, drove another two blocks and parked. He would wait another hour then drive home.

xxxxxxx

**MONDAY**

All last night he had debated going in to work on today.As the night progressed he felt worse and worse.‘Worse’ and ‘worse;’ worse physically and worse emotionally.His head hurt, his back hurt, his face hurt, his neck hurt, his hand hurt…basically his whole body was pissed at the world.His heart hurt.

The debate of calling out was decided when he got a text at 7:00 am - they had a case.Shit.There was no hiding the cut on his cheek and new bruise to go along with it.There was no hiding the split lip.There was no hiding the butterfly bandages over the cut on his eyebrow from when face meeting counter popped the stitches.His despair increased with the inventory of his _visible_ injuries and what it would cost him.He was too tired to come up with an excuse for his appearance and he couldn’t just call out until his messed up face healed; Hailey and/or Voight would show up at some point.He knew they thought he had pulled another ‘Camilla’ but he’d be damned if he tells anyone the truth of what happened and his silence would probably cost him his job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One or two chapters to go. Thanks for reading and thanks for the kudos and comments, they make my day!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter...sorry...

He got to the scene in a reasonable amount of time, his anxiety rising with every mile, skyrocketing as he parked.He adjusts his hoody, pulls it a little tighter around his neck and got out of the truck.He was about two feet from his truck when he was stopped by Voight yelling, ‘HALSTEAD!’ and Hailey’s screechy moan,‘Oh my god, Jay!’He’s not sure if there was such a thing as a ‘screechy moan’ but that’s what it sounded like to him.

Voight’s yell caught everyone’s attention and they all look to where Voight was headed, like a bull, followed by Hailey.The rest of the team and the uni’s watch, the body in the weeds forgotten.

The look on Voight’s face had started as surprise, then worry, then settled on anger.Jay stood up as straight as possible trying not to react when Voight stopped in front of him.He didn’t quite pull it off, halting whatever Voight was going to say and replacing it with silence.Voight stared at him for what seemed like forever, Hailey behind him, making it a stare down of two against one.They eventually won when Jay looked away, then back at them, resigned to whatever was coming his way.

His voice low and deadly, Voight had had enough, “I’m giving you one chance, one, to tell me what the fuck happened.”

It took everything in his power to stand his ground when he wanted to turn tail and run but he was able to do it.His face, hopefully devoid of all emotion, voice just as gravely as Voight’s said, “Nothing, nothing happened.”

The rage flared in Voight, his detective had gotten himself jammed up again, the defiant answer to his question proved it and whatever he had done might not just take Jay down but the Unit too. Voight’s voice, the calm eye of the hurricane that was sure to come, orders his obstinate detective, “Go back to the office and do.not.leave.”

Hailey didn’t like that idea, she wanted answers now.“Sarge…”

Voight gave her a look, then gave Jay a look.One said, ‘you’re going to argue with _me?’_ The other said, ‘what part of go back to the office did you not understand?

xxxxxxx

Jay sat in the parking lot too tired to walk up the steps to the bullpen.The adrenalin that had been thrumming through his veins when he got to the crime scene had since dissipated, unmasking the physical pain and ramping up the emotional.He had been trying to come up with excuses for his appearance but his thoughts kept getting interrupted by his dad’s face when he choked him or by what Will’s reaction might be.Will would hate him.He caught his reflexion in the rearview mirror and sighed.Tears came to his eyes as he realized that he was, truly fucked. 

Refusing to let his fucking chicken shit tears fall, he ground the heels of his hands into his eyes and release a yell of pain and frustration.The idea of just leaving and avoiding the team crossed his mind but he was too fucking scared to do it.GOD DAMMIT MOTHER FUCKER!He goes off on the steering wheel, punching and pounding until the pain in his body became too great.

Powerless over the tears just like pretty much everything else in his goddam life, he let them fall.He closed his eyes, hoping to block out the world but all that did was trap him in another place he didn’t want to be, his dad’s.The hatred in his dad’s eyes as he choked him, then his dad leaning over him as he lay on the floor, the disgust on his face morphing into murderous rage when he called him _‘Dad.’_ He groaned as a lifetime memories flooded his mind.Reliving every kick, every punch making him flinch causing more pain to flare in his aching muscles. _Dad, please stop, Dad, Dad, stop.Daddy stop, what did I do, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ His heart clenched as his dad’s voice echoed in his mind, _little piece of shit, you’re not my son, Will is my son, you are a trespasser in my life, you exist against my wishes, she did not have my permission to have you, do not call me dad, you’re worthless, you aren’t good enough to be my son, you aren’t good enough to be Will’s brother, keep your mouth shut or your mom and Will will hate you, you want to be a murderer when you grow up, you are a murderer, you’re a murderer, you’re a murderer…_ his face crumbled and he let out a sob.He took a deep breath.He needed to quit feeling sorry for himself and get his shit together, he ground his fists into his eyes and pushed, not caring about the pain…GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER!

Breathe…he needed to get his shit together…he thought of the four Army Rangers in the airport, he thought of his Army unit, his brothers, he thought of Mouse.His thoughts circled back to the four Rangers and how he thought they would protect his heart from his dad, sighed and wiped his tears.He looked at his face in the mirror, red rimmed eyes to go with the cuts and bruises…great, just great.

He grabbed some napkins from the glove compartment and blew his nose.Shit…his lip was bleeding again.He held a new napkin on it as he got out of the truck and went up the back steps through the rollup. 

xxxxxxx

He sat in the break room, arms on his knees, forehead on the table, waiting for the axe to fall on his life, on his relationship with Will, on his relationship with the team.He hadn’t heard them come up the stairs and wasn’t aware of their presence until Voight yelled his name and came charging into the break room, causing Jay jump up, knocking the chair over in the process and move away from the table.

“I WANT AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW!WHAT KIND OF SHIT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO THIS TIME.”

Voight, so lost in his anger at his idiotic detective, didn’t take in the state of Jay, instead he got in his face, poking his chest, pushing him back into the corner.He ignored Hailey yelling at him to stop.He ignored the rest of the team.His only focus was the fuck up of a detective in front of him who would bring down his unit.He didn’t see the tremble running through Jay or the look of fear in his eyes, all he saw was red as his god dammed bleeding heart detective had gotten himself jammed up again and he likely wouldn’t be able to get himself out of it.

“NOTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”

Jay’s eyes flick to Hailey then focus back on his boss and responds in a hoarse voice barely above a whisper.”What…” it’s obvious it hurt him to speak, “…nothing.”

“HALSTEAD!”

Internally Jay flinches at that.God dammit!He feels the panic growing.Hailey takes a step forward and puts a hand on Voight’s arm and speaks quietly, “Boss, stop…stop.”

Voight is able to take a breath and calm down, allowing Hailey to take the lead,“Jay, what’s going on?Talk to me.”

Jay looks from Hailey to Voight, then blanches when he notices the rest of the team.

Voight softens his voice but is still pissed, “Halstead, it’s okay.We just want to help.Tell me what’s going on so I can take care of it.”Jay lets out a raspy chuckle at ridiculousness of that statement, which sounds more like a sob to everyone else.

The sob prompts Voight to take in Jay’s mien, the fear that has taken over Jay’s face, the tremble of his body, the defensive stance…he missed it.He goddam missed it.Voight might not know for sure what’s going on but he has an idea and is kicking himself for not seeing it, for letting Jay’s ‘save the world’ actions in the past blind him to the pain, physically _and_ emotionally, he now sees in the kid.He takes a step forward, Jay takes another step back which increases Voight’s worry and sets in stone what he believes.Voight steps back, pissed at himself for spooking the kid more, “At least sit down before you fall down.”Voight and Hailey exchange a look, they’re on the same page, abuse.Voight glances at the rest of the team, they’re in a whole nother book, better that way, at least for now.

Jay doesn’t take his eyes off Voight, misinterpreting Voight’s worry for anger. His panic increasing; he doesn’t know how to answer their question.Voight continues to scrutinize him, making Jay more and more uncomfortable, afraid, tired; the week is catching up with him.He’s on the edge and he’s going over.It won’t be a matter of ’if’ but ‘when.’ 

Suddenly Voight’s expression changes to rage as he catches a glimpse of the kid’s neck.He quickly steps forward, pulling down the neck of Jay’s hoody. Jay freezes in place at the aggression in his boss’s demeanor when he exposes the the bruises around his neck.The team reacts; gasps, what the fuck’s, exclamations of “Jay” that sound angry; anger not at him but whats happened to him.But the emotional tornado in Jay is unable to see that.

He jerks a step back and away from Voight directly into the counter.He lets out a half scream before he is able to shut it down with a clenched jaw.Pain radiates in his flank from where it made contact with the counter, and shoots down his legs, dropping him to his knees.He leans forward all the way to the floor and rests his head on his forearm, while the other hand reaches for his flank.He breathes and tunes out everything around him, focusing on not passing out.He CANNOT pass out! 

The team reacts, all rushing to him but not wanting to crowd.Hailey crouches near him and puts a hand on his shoulder.He tries to shrug it off but she holds her ground.Eventually he sits back on his heels, reaches for the wall but grabs the ledge of the windowsill and braces himself.

“Mmm.”He thinks he’s answering a question that hasn’t been asked.

“Jay…” she waits until he opens his eyes.Pain flashes in them, then just as quickly disappears.Tears come to her eyes, “Jay, please tell me what’s going on.I can help…” she gestures to Voight, then the rest of the team, “we can help…we’re family…”The pain flashes in his eyes again as they flood with tears.He puts his head down, _family._ It’s that thought allows a tear to escape. 

Voight and Hailey exchange a look…family.They need to find out who.They only know Will. 

_“…_ please Jay.What’s going on?”

He doesn’t answer, forcing Voight to take action.

“Adam, call a bus.”

Jay’s eyes fly open, panicked , “NO!No…I’m fine.Just give me a sec.”His voice is barely a whisper, cracking on every other word.It’s evident his vocal cords were damaged when he was choked.

“JAY!You are not fine.”

“Hailey, I’m okay.Just a cramp…Adam don’t call.”

“Boss?”

“Adam, call the goddamn bus.”

With the help of a surge of adrenaline, Jay stands back up, holding tight to the window frame, he rasps, “I’m fine.Christ, I don’t need a fucking ambulance.”

“Adam…”

Jay freaks and punches his arm through the window.“I said I don’t need a goddamn ambulance.Leave me the fuck alone!”The anger and fear are not lost on them even though his voice is but a whisper.He sways on his feet, Voight steadies him as Jay sinks to his knees again, hand sliding down the wall with him, leaving a bloody trail in its wake.Jay falls forward, head landing against Voight’s shoulder.Voight holds Jay up with a hand on the back of his neck and the other on his arm as Jay says in a desperate whisper, “Please Voight…please.”

Voight looks at Adam, he holds up and doesn’t make the call.Hailey crouches down next to Voight and Jay, “Jay, I’m going to lift your shirt.I wanna look at your back.”He whispers ‘no,’ but it’s not heard and he can’t make a move to get away or stop her anyway.She lifts his hoody as he slumps further into Voight.The area over his kidney is practically black.“God…” She lifts it further up his back and stomach showing further bruising.“…Jay.”

They can all see the tears streaming down Jay’s cheeks.All aware that they stem from emotional pain as well as the physical.“Please…”

“Okay kid, okay.Adam bring the car to the roll-up…Hailey…”

“Jay, your arm, can I see it?”She get’s no resistance as she looks at the cuts on his arm.Only one is deep and it’s bleeding profusely.Kim comes running back from the locker room with a towel.

“I don’t see any glass.”She wraps his arm and squeezes it to stop the bleeding.“Do you think you can stand up?”

Jay mumbles a silent response and between the two of them, they get Jay up and on his feet.Kevin takes over for Hailey and between him and Voight they get Jay down the steps and in to the car, taking more and more of Jay’s weight on the way down.Ruzek jumps out of the drivers seat and opens the back door.Once they are all in, Adam driving, Hailey and Voight on either side of Jay in the back seat, they take off, the others following in another car, lights and sirens blaring.

Jay collapses onto Hailey’s lap, not able to handle any pressure on his back.He’s not unconscious but mumbling and out of it.It isn’t until they are almost to the hospital that they realize what has been babbling, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ over and over.

Hailey looks at Voight and catches Adam’s confused look in the rear view mirror.She runs a hand over Jay’s head, “It’s okay Jay, it’s okay…no one’s mad at you…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! I kept complicating things for myself. Then, I wanted to have more wrong with Jay from the choking injury to Jay’s neck, BBBBBUUUUUTTTTT, I almost fainted while doing the research for it (Holy cwap!) So it will be what it is and might not be accurate, work with me people. Just know that whatever he says is kind of hoarse, cracking, croaky, airy and sometimes no words some out. Sometimes I specify what his voice sounds like but most of the time its a combo thing, especially if he’s upset. Hope you enjoy this chapter. It was kind of hard to write. (again, I kept complicating things. Did I say I was complicating things? ya, I was complicating things.) I couldn’t decide what I wanted to put in it. Sorry it’s short. 

Jay feels hands on him and flinches away causing pain to shoot through his flank, sending him back to the edge of oblivion…He hears soothing words that he can’t understand, feels himself being lifted and placed on a bed, more pain…His eyes flutter, but he isn’t able to keep them open, the lights in the room are too bright, sending chards of glass through his head.He hears people talking to him but can’t understand what they were saying.A bright light shines in his eyes and he again succumbs to the darkness.

xxxxxxx

_His mind spun as he hovered just below the surface of consciousness.This beating felt reminiscent of the last time his dad laid hands on him.His dad came looking for him that time.It was two weeks after ‘the argument,’ and Jay was well into his ‘fucked up beyond belief’ stage.The last person Jay ever expected to see at his door was his dad; he thought Mouse had just forgotten his keys.Jay was drunk enough to think he might have been hallucinating his dad standing in front of him, but the uppercut drove that thought right out the top of his head._

_He found himself on the dingy carpet of his apartment as his dad kicked the shit out of him. Apparently it was Jay’s fault Will was mad at their dad.Oh…Will was mad at their dad, on his behalf…that would have warmed Jay’s heart if his dad wasn’t currently breaking it but he held onto notion just the same._

_One might think he was passively suicidal, he lay there and took it, didn’t fight back, possibly to drunk to fight back, letting his dad kill him.Jay had no desire to kill himself but he also had no real desire to be alive and if he just happened to get hit by a bus, or die from alcohol poisoning, or be murdered by his dad, oh well, c’est la vie, he was a piece of shit murderer, after all. The beating stopped with the cocking of a gun.He opened his eyes to see Mouse standing next to his dad with a gun to his head, daring Dr. Halstead to kick him again.When his dad left Jay curled into ball and cried.Mouse sat on the floor, pulled Jay’s head into his lap and held him until he passed out, and that was the last time he saw his dad until Will’s favor._

xxxxxxx

“Jay! Jay, hey buddy.Open your eyes.I need you to open your eyes for me…there we go.Welcome back.Do you know where you are?”Jay’s eyes land on Ethan; Hailey and Voight behind him; then flick around the room, causing him to wince and shut his eyes.

He feels a hand lightly on his cheek.“Come on Jay, open your eyes…”Jay’s eyes flutter open, then scrunch shut.

“Okay, I know the lights hurt but I need them so I can check you out, okay…You can keep your eyes closed for now but no sleeping. Can you tell me were you are?”Jay swallows and winces, tries to answer, then gasps, reaching for his throat with his injured arm, leaving a trail of blood.

“Dammit…Maggie, grab his arm.Jay, I need you to lay still.April push 1 mg epinephrine, 4 mg lorazepam.Jay your throat is swollen, I need to palpate it to see what’s going on there.It’ll hurt but I’ll be quick, we’ll give you some medicine to help with the pain…April, 5 mg morphine.”Jay winces as Ethan palpates his throat, arms flailing as he try to grab on to Ethans arms to stop him.“Okay, okay, I’m all done.” 

April has been cutting off his clothes, leaving just his boxers.Significant bruising on his stomach, hips, thighs and flank is revealed.“Shit…Maggie, call CT let them know we’re coming down. He’s definitely got a significant concussion. Jay we’re going to roll you on your side so I can look at your back…1-2-3”Jay groans as they roll him,“Jesus…”He looks at Voight, “What the hell happened to him?…” Ethan, refocuses on Jay and palpates the area above Jay’s kidney and doesn’t notice the look Hailey and Voight exchange.But Maggie sees it as they roll Jay onto his back again.

Adam is a bit freaked, “We don’t know.He won’t say…He might have gotten in a fight.He’s been acting weird all week, angry.Friday he showed up with a black eye.”

“Happened during a bust.” 

Maggie watches as the rest of the intelligence unit seem to concur with what Adam said, then react with surprise and confusion at Voight’s response.Hailey is the only one who doesn’t seem surprised by Voight’s statement. 

Confused, Maggie is about to say something when realization rolls through her head like a tank, splintering all other thought and piercing her heart in the process.She looks at Jay, taking in his injuries and realizes putting two and two together does indeed look like it equals four.Sadness settles on her face as she turns to Jay for confirmation, “Jay, Jay…can you please look at me?” 

He’s in obvious pain, the morphine not touching it, so Ethan gives him another 3mg.Jay is trying but failing to arch his back off the bed.He looks at Maggie with his pain filled eyes, pain that she now suspects is not just physical.She gets close and waits a moment for the pain meds to do their trick.When he settles, she brushes her hand over his hair and says something only Jay can hear.He jerks with surprise and winces.The wince crumbles from his face, he closes his eyes, trying to keep in the tears but a few escape anyway.Maggie continues to look at him, then puts her hand lightly on his cheek when he starts to panic.She says something else, they only hear the ‘I promise’ at the end of her statement and he calms down.Maggie looks up at Hailey and Voight.Whatever she asked and the non-verbal response she got from Jay, filled her with sadness.

Maggie nods for the two of them to follow as she walks out of the room.When the three of them get to the doctors lounge, she gets to the point as soon as she shuts the door,“I think Jay’s dad did this to him.”

Voight has known Maggie a long time, respects her, trusts her and she believes what Hailey and he suspected but he needed to know how she knew.

Without giving away their own suspicions, he asks, “What makes you say that?”

“I just asked him.You saw his reaction.”

“What made you ask?”

She sighs, “I worked with Pat Halstead for eight years, he never once mentioned Jay but mentioned Will frequently.Will was pissed at Jay earlier this week because Jay didn’t want to look in on his father while Will was out of town.And, when he came in earlier this week to get stitches, I didn’t believe his story for a second but didn’t know why.Hind sight is 20/20 given his condition today.Jay strikes me as a person who would be pissed if a CI got the drop on him, instead he was sullen and quiet.”

Hailey looks at Voight then Maggie, “Jay has never mentioned his father.He never mentioned he was going there this week.”

“I’m not surprised.I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Jay growing up if Dr. Halstead pretended he didn’t exist at home as much as he pretended Jay didn’t exist at work.”

Voight grunts at that.“It doesn’t seem Dr. Halstead did much pretending at home.Jay’s reaction points to a lifetime of abuse, not a one off.”

Hailey leaves the room, unable to stand the weight of that sentiment as it lingers in the air, she needs to be with her partner. 

Voight rubs his thumb across his chin, “You know Will better than me, an indications he was abused?”

“I don’t know…No?It’s not unheard of for an abuser to single out one family member.” 

Voight grunts in affirmation of that as they walked back to the ER.This had the makings of a clusterfuck.They would need to tread lightly if they were going to help the kid.

xxxxxxx

They turn the corner and can hear the commotion from down the hall.Ruzek is pacing, visibly upset.“ADAM!What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know Sarge.I just asked Jay if he wanted us to call Will and he freaked.Hailey’s in there now trying to calm him down.”

Voight and Maggie run into the room to find Jay on the ground, twisted up in the sheet and hospital gown, blood everywhere, dripping from his ripped out IV and the cut from when he punched his arm through the window.

Hailey is kneeling by Jay. He has a vise-like grip on her shirt and is trying to roll onto his side and get up.His panicked voice is a raw whisper and painful to hear,“No! No! No…Please don’t say anything to Will.Please Hailey, please!”The last word is barely a breath, his eyes imploring, begging and it breaks her heart. 

She answers quietly, calmly,“Jay, Jay!Okay, okay, okay, we won’t call Will, but we need you to calm down.You’re going to hurt yourself.We won’t call him, I promise.” He groans in pain and if anything, the grip on her shirt has increased.She looks up at Voight for help.Voight crouches down next to Hailey and puts his hand on Jay’s shoulder, his voice low, “Don’t worry about it kid.We won’t call Will and for now we’ll say it happened during a bust.You have my word on that.”In his anxiety and confusion, Jay rasps, “Dad, no!” flinching away from Voight when he registers his presence. 

Voight backs away, “Christ!” 

Ethan takes that opportunity to inject something into Jay’s thigh.He calms down almost immediately.Grip loosening on Hailey’s shirt, she catches his hand and holds it before it falls to the floor, her other hand gently cups his face.He blinks up at her when her thumb wipes the tears from his face.“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.”Hopefully reassured, his eyes close and he slips into unconsciousness.

A few moments later, Ethan breaks the silence, “Can you guys help me get him back onto the bed?”

Hailey takes a breath and releases Jay’s hand, setting it gently on the floor.She stands up running her hands through her hair in worry and frustration as Voight briskly rubs his face. 

Voight, Ethan, Hailey and Adam gently lift an unconscious Jay back onto the bed.The room is silent as April starts another IV and Maggie puts a pressure bandage on Jay’s arm.Ethan rechecks Jay’s neck and slides a hand under Jay’s flank, feeling no rigidity for now.April checks the pulse ox.“Oxygen levels are good, BP a little low but in the normal range.”Ethan pulls the rail up on the bed as April pulls up the other rail.“Let’s get him down to radiology.” 

Ethan looks at Maggie for an explanation to the bullshit that’s flying around the room.She shakes her head at him and he lets it go, concentrating on Jay’s physical injuries, leaving the obvious emotional ones to the others.Ethan and April roll Jay out of the room and down the hall as everyone else stands there in stunned silence.

Adam watches them wheel Jay down the hall then turns to Hailey and Voight, “What. The. Fuck. Was. That? … Sarge, what the hell is going on?”

Neither Hailey or Voight answer Adam’s question.Voight shakes his head and closes his eyes before looking at his detective.“Not here.”

xxxxxxx

The team sits in the doctor’s lounge.Maggie sits by the door to stop anyone from coming in.Hailey hangs her head, wanting to block out the reactions of the team, wanting to unsee everything she’s seen.Voight rubs his face again and decides to lay it all out for the them, not knowing if what he is doing is right but not wanting them to speculate and ask Jay or Will the wrong questions or any at all, if any of them heard what Jay said in the ER.That wouldn’t help anyone especially Jay.

Voight, not one to pussy foot around, is blunt, “We suspect Jay’s dad did this to him and that he more than likely abused him as a kid.”

The reaction is instantaneous and in surround sound;

“WHAT!?”

“What the hell!”

“That’s why he said that thing about his dad?”

“Why, I mean how do you know that?”

“Sarge?”

Silence.

Adam puts elbows on his knees, holds his head, then knocks his knuckles repeatedly against it before he jumps up and paces.

Kevin, who had been sitting there stunned, eyes wide, mouth hanging open is the one to break the silence, “That’s why he didn’t want us to call Will…Will doesn’t know.”

Adam leans back against the wall hard and shoves his hands in his pockets, head down, head spinning.He can’t speak yet, not without tears or rage.He stews.All cases involving kids were the hardest, for all of them, but none more so than Jay.He used to think it was because of what happened to Ben Corson but now he knew it ran deeper than that.Jay needed to do for others what hadn’t been done for him.

Kim the voice of reason chimes in, “Why do you think it was his dad?Other than Jay not wanting us to call Will?Maybe he just doesn’t want Will to worry.”

Hailey keeps her head down but tries and fails to answer the question, “How Jay reacted…then…Will…it all adds up.Will asked…”

Maggie interrupts, “He told me…” All heads snap to Maggie,“…Jay, in the ER.Well, not so much as told me but I asked and his reaction said everything.I worked with Jay’s dad a long time ago.He never mentioned Jay, only Will.I thought he only had one child.”

That is what starts the tears for Kim.How could a parent pretend a child didn’t exist?

Adam doesn’t look at anyone.His facial expressions and tone of voice flip flop between anger and sadness.“This is so fucked up, so fucked up.Shouldn’t we have seen something?Wait…”He looks at them, “…the black eye when he came in on Friday…you think his dad did that?…What are we going to do?”Anger wins out, “Christ, can we arrest him.”

Hailey looks up then, eyes red, cheeks tear streaked.“We don’t do anything…”

Adam starts to protest.

“…yet.”She looks at Voight.

Voight sighs, “Wait here.I need to make a call.”

xxxxxxx

Voight leans against the wall outside the ER.He wanted more information, more indirect proof.He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to _legally_ do anything with it or if Jay would even allow that, but he wanted it just the same.He blew out a breath.He needed a clear head before he called Trudy and as of yet was unable to calm the shit storm of rage engulfing him.He stared at the back of an ambulance, not really seeing it, until a medic was unfortunate enough to cross his line of sight…if looks could kill is an understatement.He huffed and pulled out his phone as the terrified medic scuttled away, “…Trudy…I need you to check the GPS on Halstead’s truck for the last week…as soon as possible… 

He ends the call and heads back inside even though he still didn’t have a handle on his feelings.He’s almost to the door when he’s stopped in his tracks as if by an invisible force…He had only felt this level of rage one other time in his life…when Justin died… When he can finally move again, he growls, barreling through the doors, wondering when he stopped thinking of Jay as a subordinate and started thinking of him as a son.

xxxxxxx

Maggie looks away from the others and closes her eyes, wiping a tear from her cheek.She’s had a soft spot for Jay since the day he bound into the ER with a big grin on his face, looking for his brother.She was surprised, to say the least, when Will had introduced them.She shook his hand and looked into his eyes.What she saw broke her heart.She could see the secret that lived there; the forgotten child, the one that didn’t count in his father’s eyes. His genuine smile lit up his face and his mischievous eyes twinkled but she still saw the lonely little boy in them. She had held his gaze for probably a bit too long, making his smile falter for a moment, before he regained it in all its glory and gave her a wink.

Maggie looks at the ceiling, wiping the tears from her face.Jay Halstead is a good man, with a big heart and would do anything for anyone; fiercely protective of those he knows and loves.She looks back at the group and is engulfed in sadness, “if only we could have protected him.”

Hailey leans over covering her face with her hands; her shoulders shaking as she silently sobs.After awhile, her sobs subside but the tears continue to fall.She can’t stop her head from spinning until the vision of a tree fort grinds it to a halt and stills her tears. 

She thinks of her childhood and then of Jay and what she’s just learned of his.She realizes where a big part of their connection comes from now; the little kids within them know and hold each others pain, kindred spirits.

She thinks of the tree fort she drew in one of her therapy sessions a long time ago.It represented her safe place, a place where she could hide.It had one window, and in it she drew herself.On another day when they colored, she added a little boy to her picture.He was standing next to her with a big grin on his face.She finished the picture by changing the frown on her crayon self to a smile that matched the boy’s.The therapist asked her who it was.She said she didn’t know, he was just her friend. 

She has taken that picture out many times over the years and looked at that little girl in her tree fort, looked at the friend she had gifted herself.She thought of that crayon boy with his big smile and bright blue eyes that she had drawn some 25 years ago; and she thought of his likeness somewhere in this hospital and shook her head in awe, Jay was the friend she had gifted herself. 

xxxxxxx

They’ve been waiting for a little over an hour when Ethan comes back in.“He’s gunna to be okay.No fractures to his vocal cords, cartilage or any other structures in his throat.No permanent damage, just swelling which is easily managed with low dose steroids.He’ll be sore for awhile. No talking for at least a week to let the swelling go down but it’ll be fine in a week or so.His kidney is bruised, there’s blood in his urine but we’ll monitor his output for the next 24 hours.I don’t foresee any problems there as long as he stays in bed.The CT showed no brain bleeds or skull fractures.He’s does have a significant concussion. Right now he’s suffering from delayed concussion symptoms.When he woke up briefly, he was able to tell me his head hurts ‘more now than before.’ but again, I don’t see any future problems except that, along with the other bruising, he’s going to feel like crap for awhile.I’m keeping him in the hospital for tonight at least, two nights if I can get him to cooperate.”He closes the door and leans against it.“Now, would someone like to tell me what the hell is going on?”

Voight answers in a way that says don’t ask me again, “Bust. went. bad.”

Ethan locks eyes with Voight, “Hmh…and you’re just bringing him in today?Those bruises are at least 24 hours old, closer to 48 hours.” 

No one responds.Voight already answered that question so they sure in hell aren’t going to answer it again.

Ethan gives up.“Fine.I’ll take you to Jay’s room.”

xxxxxxx

_He is floating, not in as much pain but its still there.He stares at the ceiling of his hospital room, grateful someone dimmed the lights.He’s probably at med but is unsure of how he got here.He closes his eyes.He’s afraid of how he got here.Wondering if he said anything, wondering if anyone knew.He cringes at that thought.He wishes he could go with the drugs and just fall asleep but his mind won’t let him.He’s not quite sure what sure what happened, well he knows what happened, his dad beat the shit out of him again but after that it’s fuzzy.He sucks in a breath and blows it out.Angry at himself.He never thinks of fighting back in the moment.It was always an afterthought. His mind was always so twisted up after.A part of him wanted to fight back, wanted to beat the shit out of his dad.That same part of him also feared that he would end up killing his dad if he ever allowed even one punch to fly.Then there was the sicker, sadder thought, the thought that started the tears, the thought that would twist his mind and heart together, strangling them both: if he hit his dad he would lose any chance of ever receiving his love.It was that thought that sent him into oblivion._

xxxxxxx

They linger outside the door for a second before Hailey takes the plunge, going in first, followed by Kim.Everyone else hangs back right outside the door.Hailey moves right to the head of the bed, eyes roving over Jay’s bruised face.She doesn’t take her eyes off Jay and whispers to no one in particular, “He’s asleep.”She runs her hand over his hair when she sees the tears, swiping one away with her thumb.It brings tears to her own eyes. She lightly puts her hand on his shoulder and leans in, “It’s okay…we’re here Jay.It’s going to be okay.”Kim goes to the opposite side of the bed and looks down at her friend. Face falling, she whispers, “He’s crying.”She looks up at Hailey, who nods and runs her hand over Jay’s hair again.Even in his sleep he gets no respite.

Voight’s cringes when his phone dings, the noise amplified by the quiet, he’s grateful it didn’t wake up Jay.He moves away from the door, reads the text and sighs.He lifts his chin to Kim and Hailey, who join them in the hall. “I had Platt check the GPS on Jay’s truck for the last week.Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, it was parked outside of Dr. Patrick Halstead’s house.It was there overnight on Saturday and didn’t move again until Sunday early evening.”

The GPS is pretty much the last bit of confirmation that, at this point, they didn’t really need.They all let it sink in, processing that information and what they learned about their friend today.All were thinking variations of the same two things; how _not_ to react when they see Jay, they don’t want him to be uncomfortable, they want to be there for him.And revenge.How to nail Jay’s motherfuckerin father to the wall without hurting Jay in the process.

They are interrupted by the vibration sounding from Voight’s silenced phone, this time from Maggie.Voight reads the message, curses and shakes his head. 

“Boss?”

Will took an earlier flight.He’ll be here in two hours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come - hopefully soon! I have a looooooooooootttttt of time off right now. Hopefully my muse doesn't take time off at the same time. Next chapter - Will...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this short (sorry again) chapter has taken so long. Also, no Will yet, so please forgive me. Apparently, I needed to be mean to my TV boyfriend just a wee bit longer. 

He’s jolted awake when his body jerks, trying to stave off a blow.It takes him a second to realize he isn’t laying on his dad’s kitchen floor but in a hospital bed.He groans and closes his eyes as the adrenaline generated from the dream dwindles and his injuries make themselves known in full force.He breathes through the pain, a technique he’s all too familiar with, until the pain meds they’re pumping into him can again take over.Christ, he just wants to sleep and can’t seem to do it without finding himself back on that kitchen floor. He feels the pain meds taking over, his body feels heavy while his head feels light.It’s a feeling he’s always hated but for today is grateful there’s something to take the edge off his pain.He finally feels his pain and consciousness ebbing and lets go, hoping for a dreamless oblivion.

xxxxxxx 

They’re all sitting in the waiting room trying to figure out how to navigate this shit storm without drowning Jay in the process.They’ve tabled the “revenge/retribution/justice” part of the equation for now, which didn’t sit well with a few of them; mainly Ruzek, who was quite vocal, and Voight who’s silence reduced Adam’s rage to a whisper.They know Jay isn’t ready and maybe never will be for any plan of retribution.So setting the venting to the side, they moved onto the next part, how to handle Will when he gets there.They know they don’t have to worry about anyone saying anything out of turn.They, along with Ethan, Maggie and April are all on the same page whether they know the real truth or not…it happened during a bust.It’s finally decided that, as much as they want to, they can’t come up with any kind of a plan without talking to Jay first.So the non-plan plan was for Hailey to go sit with him until he woke up and then talk to him alone.

xxxxxxx

Hailey turns off the overhead light and turns on the one above the sink when she enters his room.Between that and the small amount of light coming in through the partially opened curtains, the nurses should have enough light to see what they’re doing.She rests her arms on the rail of the bed and watches him as he sleeps.He’s laying on his side, his peaceful face is such a juxtaposition against the cuts and bruises that litter it.She frowns.She wants him to wake up.She wants to talk to him before Will gets there.She wants to convince him to tell Will, to press charges, to let them do _something_. 

She thinks back on this last week and inwardly cringes at the pain Jay must have been going through but kept to himself.In situations like this, most people would think or even say to a loved one, ‘I wish you would have told me’ and although that may have saved a lot of pain, you can’t see it as a doable option when your in it. She knows why he didn’t tell anyone, for the same reason she never did…at first…fear, hope, embarrassment, denial, just to name a few.She sighs, she wants to be there for him, she hopes he lets her.

xxxxxxx

He wakes up slowly from a dreamless sleep, body radiating with pain, feeling the echo of every blow, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and pretend nothing happened…like always. But instead he opens his eyes, blinking to bring them into focus.Instantly Hailey comes into his line of sight.

She smiles, “Hey there.”

“Hey…”His voice is still barely a whisper, even the one word causes him pain.

She gets the glass of water and gives him a drink through the straw.He gives a slight nod when he’s done, wincing the whole time.

It seems like in the few moments of silence, the grogginess has cleared and the full realization of what’s happened hits him, the crime scene…the break room.She sees the blush creep up his face coloring the in-between places of the bruises before he looks down.

She starts to say something but knowing she won’t leave now that he’s awake, he interrupts her in his scratchy voice, “I have to go to the bathroom.”He doesn’t care how stiff he is, how much pain he’s in, he needs to run and the bathroom is about as far as he can get.

“Uh, I’m not sure you’re supposed to be out of bed.”She lifts her chin to the IV.You’re kind of tied down.”

“It rolls…” comes out in something less than a whisper.

“Um okay.”She’s about to suggest that she can grab a urinal but then realizes this is probably more about getting the hell out of dodge than actually having to pee. 

“Do you want me to help you?” She moves to the other side of the bed. “Can I help you?”

He blushes again but nods his head.

He holds back a groan as he clumsily pulls off the hospital gown that had only been draped over his upper half, revealing his bruised chest, neck and abdomen.The bruises around his neck are especially dark against his pale skin. 

She panics for a second when he weakly throws off the blankets, then relaxes when she sees he isn’t naked; they had put him in a pair of scrubs.Letting him set the pace of this excursion, she waits for him to sit up and swing his feet off of the bed.When he does and starts to sway, she puts a hand on his arm to steady him.He goes to slide off the bed and she stops him. “Hold on, take your time.”Jaw clenched, eyes closed to stop the room from spinning, he sits there a moment longer before he puts one foot then the other on the floor.He breathes in and out, one hand hanging onto the IV pole the other on the bed as he gets used to being on his feet. Hailey has one hand on his arm and the other hovering inches away from his chest in case he pitches forward.When he’s ready, they slowly make their way to the bathroom.She steps ahead and turns off one of the lights dimming the small room considerably.Then steps back making room for him to enter.

“Ah, I think you are supposed to use the urinal.”She points to the plastic jug on the shelf by the toilet.“They need to monitor your output.Your kidney is pretty bruised.”

He scrunches up his face but doesn’t say anything.“I’ll be right here if you need anything.”

He acknowledges her comment with a slight nod.She cringes at the bruises covering his muscular back as she closes the outward opening door as he steps in.The area over his kidney looks terrible and she can see bruises peeking out of the scrubs above his butt and hip.She can’t fathom how he is even standing up, let alone walking.

She waits outside the door, hands clenching and unclenching.She would like nothing more than to beat bruise for matching bruise onto Dr. Patrick Halstead so he could feel the pain that he has inflicted onto his son.She is pulled out of her imaginary revenge when she hears the water turn on. When it just keeps running and running, she knocks on the door, “Jay, you okay in there?”

When he doesn’t answer or maybe he did but there’s no way she would have heard it…she knocks again and opens the door, “Coming in…”He’s holding onto the sink for dear life, head hanging down, body trembling.His eyes quickly flash to hers in the mirror, then close.She looks closer and sees he’s holding one side of the draw strings in his hand holding onto the sink.She doesn’t say anything but moves to his side and takes it out of his hand.He straightens up a bit and turns slightly towards her, hanging onto the sink and IV pole.His eyes are closed as she takes the other drawstring and deftly ties them together.He looks down and gives her a slight smile which she returns before they make the trek back to the bed. 

He groans when they finally have him situated back onto his side.“I’ll be right back, I’m going to have the nurse give you some pain meds.”She power walks out of the room before he has a chance to protest.A few minutes later Hailey comes back followed by the nurse. ****

“Hi Jay, I’m Karen.I’m going to be your nurse for the next couple of hours.”She checks his IV, temp and blood pressure.“How’s your pain?I can give you a full dose or a half, Dr. Choi wrote the order for either or.”

He skips over the first question and mouths ‘half’ to the second.Once she’s got the meds onboard she goes into the bathroom and does whatever she needs to do with the “output,” then leaves the room.

He closes his eyes and shuts everything out, kind of hoping Hailey will leave.She sits, leaving the bed rail down and scoots the chair closer, watching him as he slowly breathes.If he’s trying to pretend he’s asleep, he’s doing a piss poor job.After a few moments she notices a blush has overrun the lighter shade of pale that was evident when he got back from the bathroom.She could tell by his facial expressions, he was replaying the events that led to him lying in this bed. ****

“Jay, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to be ashamed of.”

He opens his eyes, confused.Ashamed?Then realization comes to his face for a moment followed by utter despair.

“We figured it out.Voight and I first…and Maggie.”

He whispers, “Maggie?”

“Ya, Maggie.She knew your dad back when he had worked at Med.Do you rememberer her talking to you in the ER?”

He scrunches up his brow and when he remembers his face falls in resignation.He nods and closes his eyes.Not realizing it was even possible, his blush darkens, without opening his eyes, he rasps, “I was afraid of Voight…”He doesn’t need her answer, fuck. 

“Yes…but Jay you were hurt and confused…it was a normal reaction.”

Christ…he doesn’t believe that for a second.He thought Voight was his dad and fucking cowered away from him.He blows out a breath.

They sit in silence for a few moments.Then she takes his hand and gives it a light squeeze, “Jay, can you look at me for a second?”He sighs and opens his eyes but they don’t quite meet hers.“I need to ask you a question and I need you to answer it truthfully.”He meets her eyes then and gives a slight nod.She holds his eyes for a second, trying to convey her love and friendship and support, “Jay, did your dad ever sexually abuse you?”He winces at that but croaks out, “No.” Emphasizing the answer with a slight shake of his head.Their eyes remain locked and for that one moment the despair faded to the background and only the truth of his statement radiated from his kind eyes, before he closed them again, shutting out the world. ****

She waits there silently, just holding his hand, letting him dictate the pace.

“Do…” When no sound comes out with his question, he clears his throat, then winces. ****

“You have some bruising to your vocal cords.It’s going to hurt for awhile.You’re not supposed to talk for a week.Ethan said there isn’t any permanent damage.”Shereaches over to the rolling table, “Here…use this.”She hands him the marker and sets the whiteboard in front of him.

“Does…” He’s stubborn, determined to talk, “does the team know?”

She sighs, “Yes.”

She sees the look on his face and the slump of his shoulders.She sees the despondent, ‘shit,’ that makes it no further than his lips.She continues to hold his hand and rests the other one on his arm and gives a light squeeze. 

Suddenly Jay looks up, panic on his face, “Will?”

“He was only told you got hurt in a bust. He’ll be here in a couple of hours.”

Jay sags in relief, all tension leaving his body.He closes his eyes and whispers ‘thanks.’

“But can I say something Jay?”

He scrunches up his face.He knows what’s coming.“No.”

“Just hear me out…” ****

He goes to talk and she stops him, “Christ Jay.Use the marker.”

He defiantly looks at her but then caves and uncaps the marker in exasperation and writes in an angry scrawl, ****

**I know what you’re going to say, the answer is no.** ****

“Jesus Jay, your dad beat you!Don’t you think Will should know that.” ****

**Will and I had different relationships with our Dad.** ****

He gives up then, it’s too much to write.He puts the cap on the marker and tosses it aside.

His whisper is harsh and by his facial expression, painful,“…and our mom.The only difference was my mom had _two_ kids.She loved both of us the same.Will loves him more than anyone, always has.I can’t take that away from him, he’s all Will has left.”

Hailey stares at her partner, wondering if he realizes what he just said.“Jay, Will has you too, not just your dad.” ****

Jay looks down, struggling for composure.“I can’t, he’ll leave.”

Hailey looks at the ceiling, willing the tears that came to her eyes to go back to where they came from.Jay’s fear of losing Will breaks her heart. ****

They sit there in silence for a few moments, both fighting for composure.Jay’s mind wanders.He felt, after all these years, he finally had a big brother.He finally had his brother back. If he told, he might lose him or at the very least hurt him.He couldn’t crush Will’s heart like that.

A memory trickles in.He scrunches his eyes shut, forbidding it access to his mind, knowing it will cut his heart.But the memory has its way with him and he’s powerless to stop it. 

He was 11 or 12, and had tried to insert himself into Will’s life, tried to be what his brother wanted; but for the most part, no matter what Jay did he was going to be the “annoying little brother.”Will had some friends over, and he snuck into the TV room where they were playing video games.He didn’t engage with them, just sat silently in the chair by the window, listening, smiling at their jokes, watching.He was hanging out with his brother, his friends, and almost feeling a part of, but then Will saw him and yelled at him, kicking him out.Tears had flooded his eyes and he left, refusing to let them fall in front of Will.Cocooned in the hug of his blankets and hoody, he let them fall in his room, his sanctuary, the place where all his tears were hidden.

Hailey watched the kaleidoscope of emotions play on Jay’s face.“Jay…what can I do for you.What do you need from me?”He doesn’t look at her but uncaps the marker.It hovers over the whiteboard.He’s not sure what he needs but buys himself some time to figure it out.His hand trembles as he writes out the request.

 **A l o n e** He meets her eyes then in a silent plea.She gives a small nod and holds his hand for a second, gives it a squeeze then breaks the warms of the contact.

“Okay.” **** ****

xxxxxxx.

She isn’t even out the door before he rubs his bruised face in frustration.He sets the marker down and reaches for the cup of water with a shaking hand.He takes a sip lifting his chin as he swallows.The choking and the lack of being able to speak seem like a metaphor for his life.Once again he is unable to speak up for himself…That’s not true.Once again he is unwilling to speak up for himself.This time there just happens to have an unable to go along with it.

A whiteboard seems too easy, almost like a cop out.And in a way unfair to his dad.The bare bones are laid out without filling in…what the fuck.Did he just fucking think that?Did he just worry about it being unfair to his dad? This brings tears to his eyes that he can’t keep from falling.How fucked up he is knows no bounds if a thought like that can just slip in. 

Christ, he is still trying to stick up for his FUCKING DAD! _WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!YOUR DAD HAS KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, EITHER PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY, ALL YOUR LIFE AND YOU’RE STILL HOLDING OUT FOR HIS LOVE!_ He lets out a breath of frustration, of disgust, of self loathing that’s too loud and too forceful.He winces in pain.Tries to swallow and can’t.His throat feels like it’s seizing.He claws at his throat, at the same time searching desperately for the call button.Panicked he pushes back the blankets and swings his feet over the bed and slides off.As soon as his bare feet his the ground his legs buckle but he is able to straighten them and lock his knees.At some point in his struggle he has ripped out the IV.Blood is smeared on his bare chest, arm and blankets.Blocking out pain he leans over the bed to get his bearings, trying once again to get his breath, to swallow.He’s starting to see black spots, his vision tunneling.One hands holds his throat and rubs down, trying to remind it how to work…desperate to swallow and breathe, the other reaching out for whatever he can to steady himself and get to the door.His world is tilting, spinning.He holds on to the door jam, still unable to breathe.The tears are falling in streams.He looks down the hall looking for someone, anyone to save him.A person steps out into the hall and looks his way, their face probably mirroring his in panic…

“Voight…”He can barely mouth the name let alone put any volume with it.His lungs burn, feel deflated, his vision grays, the black spots bleed into the rest of his vision as he sees Voight run to him but he’s too late.His body gives out and crumbles.He doesn’t feel his head strike the door jam.He doesn’t feel his body ricochet and fall backwards.He doesn’t feel his head hit the cold tile floor and he doesn’t hear Voight screaming his name, screaming for nurses.He doesn’t see or feel anything.It’s probably better that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this, oh so short chapter. It was supposed to be longer with a really good cliffy but I couldn’t get the part leading up to it right. Won’t be such a cliffy in the middle of the next chapter but oh well. Promise - Will’s in the next chapter. Stay safe my lovely peeps!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay party people! Thank you so so so much for your patience. 
> 
> The italics are thoughts.

XXXXXXX

He’s laying on the floor in front of his room.The floor was cold on his bare back and seeped through the light weight scrub bottoms, sending a continuous shiver through his body.His right hand lay limply by his side, his right leg bent and resting against the door jamb.His left arm and leg are splayed out on the floor.

_Jesus Christ his head hurt_.He tried to keep his breathing steady; a relaxed, no nonsense rhythm of ‘dead to the world,’ hoping that would curb the pain but it wasn’t working.He was awake and just wanted to be asleep.He just wanted to not be in pain.He just wanted it to be a week ago so he could say no to Will instead of caving.He just wanted his head to shut up.He just wanted his heart to beat again.He mentally rolls his eyes.On any other day,he would chastise himself for that melodramatic bullshit of a thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, it was the truth.He sighs.He just wants to sleep.He wasn’t ready to face anything anyone, on the other side of his eyelids.

Voight crouches to Jay’s left, “Jay…Halstead…just stay still.Helps on the way.” 

_He doesn’t think he flinched this time.Hopes he didn’t flinch._ _It’s Voight.He sounds far away but he’s right here.It’s not dad, it’s Voight.It was Voight to his left.It’s Voight._

“uhhh…shhh…shht” He tries to grab his head but his arm runs into Voight and falls back.He tries again but gives up and just hangs onto a chunk of Voight’s shirt.

He hears a stampede of elephants coming down the hall. _God my head._

“What the...” leaves his mouth as a breath of air and the memory comes back before he can even finish the sentence. _Nothing cures a panic attack faster than passing out._ He doesn’t open his eyes but knows the rest of the team is around him now.He releases another ‘shhhhtt.’ That one wakes up his throat and he lifts his chin and painfully swallows, grateful though, that he can. He wills his head to simmer down so he can think.Willing it to stop spinning before his stomach gets involved and he throws up all over himself.

He breathes. _Hold on…just let me lay here_ , is his silent plea.He doesn’t want to see the team seeing him - he has more room to care less about what they think of him, he’s embarrassed that they know.He thinks it makes him look weak, that they will think he is weak.So ya, he didn’t want to see them yet.

He touches his tongue to his split lip and reluctantly opens his eyes.There they all are, surrounding him, standing, crouching, on their knees but above nonetheless, looking down at him like they’d found a shiny new penny and were debating if they wanted to pick it up or leave it.Or at least that’s what it looked like to him.He closes his eyes, drawing a curtain on the outside world.

The reality is, they are debating if they should, for his physical wellbeing, pick him up. The question is answered though, when footsteps are heard running down the hall.

Voight tries to make room for Ethan, but Jay still has a hold of his shirt, so he just slides over.

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure.I came out of the waiting room and he was standing in the door way.I don’t think he could breathe.He hit his forehead on the door jamb and the back of his head on the floor when he passed out.”

“Okay…Jay, Jay?” 

“Mmm…ya…”

Ethan would think he was having deja vu, if he didn’t know for a fact that he had just found himself in this exact position with Jay a couple of hours ago.He takes Jay’s pulse while looking over his body to see if there are any obvious new injuries.He could see where Jay his his forehead, there was a contusion but no cut.He’s bleeding from where the IV was ripped out but it’s not bad.

He palpates Jay’s throat which elicits a groan from Jay and a tug on Voight’s shirt.

“Throat feels fine.Probably had a panic attack…that’s the only thing I can think of why he was having trouble breathing since he’s breathing fine now.”

He felt the back of Jay’s head, a lump but no blood.He looks down the hall, “Karen, get a backboard up here and a gurney.He’ll need another CT.”

He palpates Jay’s abdomen and flank but doesn’t feel any rigidity.“Feel’s okay.”

“Move, move!”

Adam, who’s crouched at Jay’s feet, is practically shoved out of the way by Will, who moves to Jay’s right and drops to his knees next to Hailey.

“Shit, Jay, what happened?Ethan?”

“He’s okay, Will, more than likely just exasperated his concussion.We’re going to do another CT to make sure nothing else is going on.Looks like he had a panic attack and passed out.”

Will’s question is echoed as another voice joins the circle of concerned onlookers.“Will…what the hell happened?”

Jay’s eyes fly open and his entire body flinches.

“It’s okay Dad, he fell.”

Jay stares, body frozen.

Five heads snapped to the intruder standing behind Adam. 

Voight feels a tug on his shirt as Jay tightens his grip.

An invisible wall of hatred and rage from Intelligence goes up between Jay and his dad followed by a minute physical shift as they put themselves in a position to protect Jay.Will and Ethan are oblivious, their focus is on Jay.Drawn in by a volcano of rage, the elder Halstead meets Voight’s eyes.Fire meet ice.But the elder Halstead is immune to Voight’s death stare and doesn’t flinch.

Will continues, “… told me it happened during a bust…”The asshole momentarily forgotten, the team’s attention is brought back to Jay.Will brushes a hand over Jay’s head.He looks at Voight a second, waiting for the details when he sees the bruising around Jay’s neck and gently touches it, “Jesus…Jay…oh man…”He looks at Voight with tears in his eyes, “Did you at least get the guy?” He wipes his eyes and turns back to Jay, “Hey brother, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

Voight looks at Will then locks his death stare back on the asshole.“Not yet but we will.”

That statement brings Jay out of his frozen stupor and causes him to internally freakout.The embarrassment has ebbed a bit.There is a fear induced adrenaline rush that brings clarity and with it an overabundance of anger.And maybe it’s because he feels safe since the team is here or maybe its because he can’t believe the bastard is standing there pretending to care, who knows, but Jay can’t help it. He stares at his dad and croaks out, “What in the fuck are you doing here?”

Only half the words have any volume but there’s no mistaking what he said.His dad doesn’t react except for the slightest smirk that only Jay would recognize.Jay blanches; he’s had 10 seconds of strength before a lifetime of weakness crashes back in. It’s like Jay’s words died on the vine. The anger slowly melts from his face like wax from a candle only to be replaced by fear.And shame.

Now that he’s here, Will’s worry has subsided a bit, so there is room for anger at his brother, “What the fuck Jay? He’s here to see you, you’re hurt.”Will is oblivious to the undercurrent as he continues to watch Jay try to stare down their dad and its pissing him off. 

Hailey jumps in, putting a hand on Wills arm, “Will…”.

He cuts her off.“Jay! Jay!”When Jay looks at him he continues,“You don’t have to be such a dick…”

“HALSTEAD!”Voight makes both brothers flinch but he puts a hand on Jay’s shoulder and glares at Will.

Will glares back for a moment, then ignores Voight.He’s beside himself with worry and anger, at and for his brother, and not thinking right.“You’re hurt Jay.You guys might not get along but at least he’s trying.He asked to come with me, so at least see that for what it is.Christ, he cares about you.”

And doesn’t that bucket of bullshit just piss everyone off; but Jay’s goddam wishes have them are handcuffed, so they say nothing.

Jay tilts his head a little and looks at his brother.Will’s words feel like one of his dad’s body blow’s, but he is so earnest in his plea, Jay can’t help but nod.After a moment he turns his head and looks back to the ceiling.He doesn’t miss the brief smirk on his dad’s face though.He tilts his chin up so he can swallow the tears he is desperately holding at bay and closes his eyes.

Beneath the silence that follows, Intelligence hums with rage.They’re in a holding pattern, when really they would like nothing more than to throw the asshole out a window and get him away from Jay.

The asshole saves himself.“It’s okay Will, I’ll go.I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I’ll go see if Bob’s on, haven’t seen him in a while.” 

Will turns back to Jay,“Okay Dad, I’ll text you.”

The elder Halstead pauses and looks down at Jay. The moment is over in the blink of an eye but with that one look he takes in everything, all of the damage he did to the little shit and how Jay is now frozen in fear.His body trembles from the cold of the floor and more than likely, fear.Jay’s lean and muscular frame, only covered by a pair of scrub pants, is the canvas for his handiwork: the cuts and bruises on his face, the split lip, the bruising around his neck, the bruising on his torso and smeared blood on his chest and arm from an absent IV.His eyes flick to the bandage on his arm with new blood seeping through. That puzzles him but he takes it in just the same. He deserves every last bruise.

“Take your time Will.Just keep me updated.” And just like that it’s over.With just a hint of a smirk when Jay’s terrified eyes flick to him, he walks away.

Jay stares at the space his dad just occupied.

The whole of the Intelligence take a deep breath, either internally or externally. 

Will sits back on his heels and looks at his brother, shaking his head.That earns him a dirty look from Hailey.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Jay’s body is trembling.He scrunches his eyes shut. _Why was he here?WHY WAS HE HERE!_ He takes a breath and opens his eyes, trying desperately to keep his shit together.He looks around but doesn’t meet anyones eyes except Hailey’s briefly.He lets go of Voight’s shirt, pretending he was never holding on to it, and groans as he rolls over onto his left side. He pushes himself up with Voight’s help, growling at Will for trying to stop him from sitting up.He leans against the door frame letting pain and dizziness roll through him.He reaches for the trickle of blood running down his arm, but before he can touch it, Will bats his hand away with a cranky “stop” and takes care of the issue by putting pressure on it.

“Y’okay kid?”

He keeps his head down and eyes closed and sighs but doesn’t answer except for a slight nod. _A little bit longer…keep it together._

Karen comes back with the gurney and Jay, without opening his eyes, groans.“I’m fine, can I just go back to bed.” _Please._

“Don’t be an idiot Jay.You need a CT.”

_Breathe just breathe._

That earns Will a dirty look from everyone but Will doesn’t care.Because of the flight delays he’s been stressed out of his mind for hours, worried sick about his baby brother.Then he gets here and thank God it looks like Jay’ll be okay but then he’s got to, once again, be a dick to their dad.It was just too much.

Jay doesn’t respond, ignoring everyone. _He hates that more than anything he wants to grab back onto Voight’s shirt.Breathe._

Will takes a breath and tones it down.“Please Jay.We’ve gotta make sure everything’s okay, humor me.”

Jay feels Voight squeeze his shoulder, “Let’s go kid.”

_Fine._ “Wheelchair.”

“You got it.”

A moment later Atwater arrives with his transportation and they help him, slowly and painfully, get into the chair.He’ll be damned if he lays on that gurney with his dad lurking somewhere in this hospital.It’s hard to stand up to your dad when you’re laying on your back.After a moment, that thought fills him with shame, he puts his elbows on the arm rests and holds his head in his hands, all encompassing shame…sitting or standing, when it comes to his dad, he always lays down.

XXXXXXX

LATER

Hailey leans against the wall while Will hovers by Jay’s bed.The CT is clear.The rest of the team is somewhere getting food and he’s back in his bed miserable, emotionally and physically.He’s absolutely fucking miserable, he’s hypervigilant and it’s just causing him more pain.

Will looks at Jay’s chart.He’s flip-flopping between concern for Jay and pissed at how he treated their dad.Will scowls at his brother, still pissed, but can see his stupid ass brother is in pain and hasn’t asked for meds. 

Jay’s eyes flick to the door, Hailey, then settle back on his brother.He wants meds but knows his dad is here somewhere.There is a part of him that just wants to blurt out the truth to Will, to lay it all out there and let the chips fall where they may.But the part of him that wants to protect Will wins out again; Will 100, truth 0, no contest.

“Jesus Jay, you’re in pain.”He sighs, “We’ll get some meds on board and I’ll put in an order for a morphine pump, you’ll be able to control the meds yourself.”His brother frustrates him to no end.“I’ll be right back.”

When Will leaves, Hailey moves forward and puts her hand on his arm, “Jay?”He looks at her, eyes big with fear and disbelief before abject despair overrides both.He doesn’t say anything, just looks down as he tries and fails miserably to get a grip on his emotions. When she realizes he isn’t going to say anything, she gives his arm a squeeze and sits down.

XXXXXXX

Will is exhausted.He hates that he’s pissed at his little brother but can’t help it.The way Jay treated their dad was uncalled for.Even if Jay can’t forgive him for what he said in the “argument” years ago, he still doesn’t need to treat their dad like crap, especially when he is trying to do something nice; trying to build a relationship with his son. Instead of being a dick, Jay could live by the motto ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’It would make it easier for all of them.He’s trying to give Jay a pass because he’s hurt but it isn’t easy.

Will sighs in frustration.He realizes he’s also pissed at Voight and the rest of them for not protecting his brother.Jay got the absolute shit beat out of him.Where were they?Granted, he didn’t know the details but shouldn’t they have been backing him up?Covering him?Something?Or did Jay do something stupid again?Take a risk he shouldn’t have?He sighs again.He was too tired, too hungry, too emotionally drained.He would get Jay his meds, take his dad home then come back and camp out in Jay’s room.

Will walks by the waiting room but then steps back when he hears his dad say, ‘Something to say to me officer?’He stands in the door and sees Voight and his dad in the far corner going toe to toe.He watches them like a train wreck and knows they are yelling at each other but he isn’t hearing tone or volume.Everything has been sifted away and all that remains are Voight’s words bouncing around in his head. 

_Are you even human?What kind of a man would abuse his son, put him in the hospital and then have the_ **_gall_ ** _to show up and play concerned father._

“Will!”He blinks when he hears his dad say his name but is too stunned to move.The words play back in his mind.

… _abuse his son…_

He looks at his dad and can’t quite read his expression.Voight puts his head down and pinches the bridge of his nose and hears a soft ‘goddammit’

“Dad?”

The elder Halstead doesn’t address Will but looks back to the detective.“I don’t know where you get your information but don’t put your failure to protect my son on me.Do your job and find out who did this.

“It’s okay Will, just a misunderstanding.I’m ready to go whenever you are.I’ll wait in the lobby.”

Will watches his Dad walk away and looks back to Voight who won’t meet his eyes.He’s not sure how long he stands there but eventually he trudges back to Jay’s room but can’t bring himself to go in.

XXXXXXX

Jay and Hailey hear the yelling but can’t make out the words.There’s no mistaking though, who the voices belong to, Voight and the asshole.

“Hailey?” 

She looks at Jay and can see the panic in his eyes and the pain etched on his face.He shifts in the bed with a wince and pushes off the covers.“Jay.”She gives him the look, “Stay here.I’ll check.”

She gets to the door just as Will does.

“Will…”

He ignores Hailey and looks at his brother.

Jay stops trying to get out of bed and stares back at Will, searching, searching, hoping he won’t find what he knows is there…and then he sees it and his face falls; his breath hitches…Will knows.

When he can, Jay chokes out, “Will…please…”

Will remains silent as Jay’s tears start to fall.Hailey watches the exchange, “Will?”

Jay’s voice is hoarse, his throat burning but he needs Will to hear him. “Will…I’m sorry!I’m sorry Will…please…”

Hailey moves back to Jay when he starts to sob; and still Will does nothing, just stands in the doorway, as his own world has been turned upside down.He’s caught between belief and denial, anger at his brother and sorrow for his brother… _abuse his son, put him in the hospital…_

Whatever Will had going on inside that head of his, to Jay it looks like anger, condemnation, blame.Jay sobs harder, his heart breaking, wanting something, anything from his brother.

But he gets nothing as Will looks at Hailey then back at his brother and walks away.

Jay throws his head back and releases a gut wrenching cry.He presses himself against the bed, hands holding his head as he sobs; sobs that would have been heard down the hall if he had a voice.But instead they are a painful, hoarse exclamation of sorrow as he cries for his loss, repeating over and over to his brother how sorry he is. 

Hailey sits on the edge of the bed facing Jay as she pushes the call button.He is way overdue for his pain meds and his physical pain is starting to far outweigh the emotional. 

She gently gathers his trembling body in her arms, “Hold on Jay, helps coming.Hold on.”

Exhaustion sets in and his sobs finally start to subside but not the tears.She feels powerless to help her partner, her best friend, “Shh…it’s okay.It’s gunna be okay.”A slight shake of his head and a whisper against her neck of ‘he hates me’ punctuates his painful day before he sags in her arms unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to write. Hope you liked it and thanks for your patience! 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this you speak of? Another chapter? So soon? No, not possible! This chapter pretty much wrote itself. I hope you like it!
> 
> Oh and thank you to all of you who have been giving kudos or leaving reviews! They mean the world to me!!! 
> 
> You da bomb party people!!!

Voight had just come to the room and leaned on the door frame when Jay collapsed into Hailey’s arms. He sighs, watching her lay him back on the bed.Voight’s kicking himself for what he’s done, what he didn’t mean to do.He blows out an angry breath and moves to the side when the nurse comes in.

“Hey Karen.”

“What happened?”

“He was in pain and he passed out. Will was on his way to order a pump for him so he could control the pain meds himself.”

The nurse checks Jay’s vitals and leaves the room with the promise to get ahold of Dr. Halstead or Dr. Choi so they could put in the order.

Voight still doesn’t go into the room, just watches his detective as he sleeps.He shakes his head.He screwed up, bit when the asshole pushed.He puts his head down and slides a hand over his forehead, hoping to stave off the headache brought about by the confrontation. A headache he deservesHis heartache though, that was another story.He looks at the kid in the bed, still avoiding Hailey’s eyes, and as much as he regrets his actions - going against Jay’s wishes, a bigger part of him is glad.Now that it’s out, the asshole could get what he deserved.

Voight’s personal judge, jury and hangman is still out on Will. He’s been a cop for along time. It’s rare that _someone_ didn’t know what was going on when there was abuse in the house, especially someone living under the same roof.The reason he didn’t jump directly to hangman was two things. Will had been a kid himself when it started, he may not have recognized the signs. That was something he could possibly check; he could talk to the Jay, talk to Dr. Charles.

The second reason, and probably the biggest, was the multitude emotions that crossed Will’s face.At first it was shock and disbelief, then a “how dare you” anger when Will’s eyes locked with his.But it was the utter despair when Will looked at his dad that ultimately convinces him that Will didn’t know.Will had read something in his dad’s eyes that shattered his heart.After his dad left the room, Voight saw a flash of guilt in Will’s eyes.Given what he had just witnessed in Will, that guilt could only have been the result of one thing - realization that he missed a lifetime of abuse perpetrated on his brother.

Voight is finally is able to meet Hailey’s eyes,she’s pissed, but relief is also evident.

A sharp intake of breath resonates from the bed.Jay is waking up; his jaw is clenched and his eyes are scrunched in pain. 

“I’ll get the nurse to put a rush on the meds.”

He doesn’t wait to hear Hailey’s reply, just leaves like a coward, not able to look Jay in the eyes and apologize yet.And if he’s totally honest and being true to the asshole he sometimes is, he doesn’t really want to apologize for accidentally? purposely? (He’d have to look at that) confronting the asshole and getting everything out in the open.He knows it’s the only way to help the kid and that’s what he’s going to do come hell or high water.

He gets to the nurses station and lets Karen know Jay is waking up and in pain.

“Dr Choi put in an order for the pump. It should be here soon but I’ll give him an interim dose now.”

He gives her a nod and his thoughts travel back to Will.He again runs through the emotions he saw on Will’s face.The Hank Voight judge and jury are in and there won’t be a need for the hangman.He believes Will didn’t know and that adds a whole nother layer of pain to the shit show.

He takes a breath and follows the nurse back to Jay’s room. He’ll send Hailey home and wait for the kid to wake up. He needs to fix this.

XXXXXXX

Will didn’t realize he’d left his dad at the hospital until he was almost home. He turned back around to get him but somehow ended up in the parking lot of some random, virtually empty park, his dad forgotten.He stared at the merry-go-round lost in the absence of thought until at some point his mind re-engaged.

Even though his thoughts seemed somewhat jumbled, he began dissecting his childhood, not wanting to believe what Voight said but knowing in his heart it was true.That’s what bothered him the most - that he knew it was true in his heart.Why?What made his heart believe what his mind didn’t want to.What did his heart know that his mind didn’t? 

He stared at the merry-go-round and thought back to their childhood.He racked his brain.He started with what knew:

He knew that Jay didn’t get along with their dad. 

He knew that his dad had always favored him. 

He knew that he had been an ass to his little brother from a pretty early age. 

He knew that Jay was a mama’s boy. 

He knew that he and Jay hadn’t been close since they were very young.

He knew when they were kids he thought Jay was a brat.

He remembers his dad thought Jay was a brat.

Those last two gave him pause…both he and his dad thought Jay was a brat.Did Will really think Jay was a brat or did he just adopt his hero’s attitude?He didn’t have an answer for that.

That’s what his mind knew. 

What did he remember?His first thought makes him cringe.Jay was bullied a lot.He remembers Jay covered in bruises numerous times and not wanting him or his friends help to take care of the bully, to just leave it; their help would only make it worse.

He looks back on all of that and rests his head against the seat.Jay had bullies throughout grade school, since 5th or 6th grade.Even into high school he thinks Jay was bullied, though Will was away at college, he remembers coming home for holidays and a couple of times Jay had bruises.

What did his heart know even though he didn’t want to listen to it? 

That the bully wasn’t a bully but his dad.How could he not have seen?How could he not recognize what his dad was doing to his little brother? He wants to stop the next question from entering his head but it intrudes anyway and brings tears with it.Did he not want to see it?Did he purposely turn a blind eye, not wanting to see that his dad, his hero, might be something or someone other than who he thought he was?

He thought about their mom.He doesn’t remember any talk of Jay being bullied from his mom, but she had to have known about them.You can’t hide a black eye.Jay probably said the same thing to her that he said to him. When he had come home from school for the holidays she treated their dad the same.His mom loved Jay.She wouldn’t have let his dad get away with hurting him.Was Jay that good of an actor?Was his dad that good of an actor that they couldn’t see what was going on right under their noses? He laughs but it sounds like more of a sob.Here he thought all of their adult lives, that his brother was being a dick, when really it was his dad…and it was him for not seeing what his brother was going through.

If anything, the “argument” when Jay got back from the war should’ve shown him what kind of a man his dad really was, but he was blind to it.He was close to his dad, so he chose his side even though he didn’t agree with what he had said to Jay.He had even gotten into an argument, after the “argument,” with his dad but somehow his dad convinced him Jay was at fault.It was easy for his dad to do because his dad was his hero.Hell, he even expected Jay to forgive their dad for the cruel things he said and then was pissed at Jay when he didn’t.

He breaks into full-blown sobs, knocking his head against the seat, yanking violently on the steering wheel as he yells about how blind he had been.How blind he had been all their lives to his brother’s pain. He thought about the isolation that Jay lived in as a kid.He thought about himself and how lonely he would get when he was sick and had to miss a couple of days of school.A couple of days was excruciating for him but that was Jay’s life on a daily basis.

He hated that hind site was 20/20.Why couldn’t hind site be blind?

He sobs his brother and for how alone Jay was.He never remembers a friend coming over.Not once.When they were little, he was the only friend Jay needed.He knows they were close for a while maybe until Jay was seven or eight but they grew more and more apart as they grew older.Actually, _they_ didn’t grow apart. _He_ grew _away_ from his baby brother.Jay tried to come along but he pushed him away; by the time he was 12 or 13 he didn’t have time for Jay.God he was a fucking asshole.He wants to give himself a break, that he was being a typical brother.And that may or may not be true but that doesn’t really matter.Add typical brother to abused brother and you get one lonely kid. 

Jay had probably spent 75% of his life in his room.He saw it in a whole new light now.Shy, sullen, loner, any of those words he had used in the past when he thought about his brother’s absence, was overridden by what he now knew, his brother grew up alone and afraid and he never saw it. 

His thoughts travel back to his mom. What the hell did she think?He had heard her use the word ‘shy’ when describing Jay.He wonders if she ever encouraged him to try and have friends.Probably, but she also wouldn’t push it.That’s kind of how she rolled.Her and Jay had each other and they were both fine with that.Except mom also had him and his dad.Mom worked a lot, did a lot of charity work.Jay had mom.Mom had all of them, so quit trying to rationalize your behavior.You were an ass, no if’s and’s or but’s about it.

He goes on another sobbing jag.Loud, snot inducing sobs that drown out his thoughts.But when he is done crying, there they are, his thoughts, waiting in the queue to stomp across his mind and kick him in the heart.

A thought slams into his heart then, demanding he pay attention while his mind spins.He thinks back to a time and it might’ve even been more than once…he hopes to God it was only once, but at the same time thinks God would tell him otherwise, how he would act towards Jay when his friends came over.

He blows out a breath and drags his hands down his face.There were times when he would be hanging out with friends and suddenly he would notice Jay just hanging out in the background.Jay never talked to them, just kind of lingered, being with them but not really with them at the same time.

A sob escapes when he remembers one time vividly, when he didn’t just shoo Jay away but was mean about it. _He had caught Jay just hanging out while he and his friends played video games.When he first noticed him, Jay had a big grin on his face, probably because Pauly was being Pauly and Pauly was a dork.He closes his eyes and thinks of Jay’s smile and how it reached his eyes, a rarity for him.A smile so genuine and happy even though his lip was split and he had a black eye.And what did he do, he yelled at Jay and told him to leave. He saw the smile fall from Jay’s face and his eyes fill with tears, but he didn’t care, he kicked him out.Jay left without a word, doing, as always, what Will wanted._ Looking back on it now, that memory felt like deja vu except it was his dad and Jay.His dad had a way of wiping the rare smiles we got from Jay right off his face.How could he not see?How could he be so fucking blind!

 _He had gone up to Jay’s room later while his friends continue to play games.He was going to apologize…_ He shakes his head at himself.He was going to apologize but that’s as far as he was going to go.He wasn’t going to ask Jay to join them.God he was an ass of a brother. _Jay’s door was locked and he could hear Jay crying but he didn’t do anything.He didn’t knock.He didn’t call his name, he just lingered outside the door for a few minutes until Brian yelled it was his turn._ _He had run down the stairs and thought he would talk to Jay later and say he was sorry._

He puts his hands on his head like he’s trying to squeeze the memory out.He realizes only now, that he never talked to Jay later, he never apologized.He went back with his friends and the whole incident was forgotten.That’s what he did with brother.That’s what he did to his brother all their lives.Jay didn’t choose to be alone, it forced upon him.

_Oh God.What have I done.How could I be so fucking blind._

He sits there for awhile, crying on and off for Jay and the loneliness he must have felt.For not having someone to play with, for not really having anyone to talk to.He thought about how afraid Jay must have been and he had no one he could go to.

He is leaning his head against the seat, exhausted, thinking he is finally cried out, when the tears start again.They aren’t sad tears at first.He thinks about the Army guys at the airport.He had never seen Jay so happy.The quiet kid talked a mile a minute about the Army, Army Rangers specifically.Even after his dad shut him down and called them murderers, Jay didn’t let up.He just didn’t talk about them when his dad was around.He was going to be a Ranger and read everything he could about them and talked his moms ear off any chance he got.He laughs.Jay was such a dork.He was 10 or 11 and declared he was going to start training.He sits in that somewhat backhanded happy memory for a moment.The moment is fleeting. 

Thinking about the army guys at the airport bring about another memory. _His mom bought Jay a bag of those plastic green army men for his birthday that year.Jay was ecstatic.He had thought Jay was weird because of how he played with them or more accurately, didn’t play with them.He caught Jay putting them strategically around his room, all 100 of them; then never touched any of them again, except the five on his nightstand, those he did play with._ He starts to sob again, wishing he could have protected his little brother. _He had asked Jay what he was doing with the army men and Jay had looked at him with all seriousness and said, “they are going to protect my room and be my first line of defense.”_

XXXXXXX

He sat there for awhile, spent, elbow leaning on the door, hand holding his head, just staring out into the night.Finally he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, more confused now than before.More angry with himself now than when he got here.He thought he would find absolution in his memories but all he found was more guilt.

He wasn’t sure where he was headed when he left the park but he found himself sitting in the dark by his mom’s grave.His mom always made him feel better, so he poured out his heart to her; all his fears and guilt and disappointments and excuses and ultimately sorrow for the loss of his hero, his dad.His dad wasn’t who he thought he was.And then he poured out his resentment at Jay for taking his hero from him and then he poured out his anguish for being mad at his brother when Jay did nothing wrong.He poured out the regrets of his childhood that, until a couple of hours ago were nothing more than benign memories. 

He brushes his fingers across his mom’s gravestone - _Loving wife, mother and friend._ His dad had been pissed beyond belief when he saw the marker and how ‘and friend’ was added to it.His dad thought they had screwed up and wanted his money back. But when they called Kornick’s, they found out that Jay had had them add ‘and friend’ to his mom’s gravestone.He had gone to bat for Jay and was able to justify it to his dad because it was something he also believed, mom was a loving friend, it was evident by her packed funeral.He releases a sad chuckle as that memory is clarified for him.Looking back at Jay’s lonely childhood tonight, he now saw the true reason for the ‘and friend’ and why it was so important to Jay.

It was the middle of the night before he finally decided to leave.He was cold, tired and cried out.He pulled out his phone and checked the time, 4:40am. He just wanted to go home, take a shower and get back to Jay.It was because of the light from his phone that he saw them and they were the reason he spent another two hours at his mom’s grave bawling.There at the base of the gravestone, watching over his mom, were four plastic green army men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry. Happy’s coming I promise…but we’ve got some more sad to get out of the way first.
> 
> Thank you again for all of your reviews! They mean the world to me and inspire me to keep going!
> 
> Stay safe!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey dokey then! Two chapters coming at once. Thanks for reading guys! You da bomb! Stay safe!

_Jay had left the house through the backdoor and cut through the neighbors back yard.He went to the park and hung out in his secluded corner for a half hour or so and then walked home as if he was coming from school._

_They were playing frisbee golf when Benny saw Jay walking down the street._

_“Oh my God, Will…”_

_They all turned to see what got Benny’s panties in a bunch.As soon as Will saw his brother, he took off to help him.Jay had had the crap beat out of him._

_“Jay, Jay…what happened?”He grabbed Jay’s arm then when he swayed._

_“Nothing…” answering caused Jay’s split lip to bleed more.He had the start of a black eye, the split lip and was holding his ribs._

_“Doesn’t look like nothing.I’m taking you to dad.”_

_“NO!I’m fine!I’m fine!”_

_“No you’re not Jay.”_

_“I said no!”He took off then, running to the house, then thought better of it as his pain increased, and walked instead, swaying like a drunk the whole way.Will and his friends followed and watched him go up the stairs to his room and shut the door._

_“He is so freaking stubborn.I’ll tell my mom, she’ll be home soon.”_

_As soon as his mom got home, Will told her about Jay.She dropped everything at the front door and rushed up the stairs immediately.She found Jay sleeping on his bed, face streaked with tears and smeared blood._

_“Jay, honey, I need you to wake up for me.”_

_Jay blinked his eyes opened and looked into the worried face of his mom, sitting on the edge of his bed._

_“I’m fine.”_

_“You are not fine.What hurts…besides the obvious?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“Jay Halstead!”_

_He looks down and says in a quiet voice, “Just my side…a little bit.”_

_She pulls up his shirt and sees the red marks that were starting to turn into bruises._

_She sighs, “Come with me.”_

_He knows he doesn’t have a choice, so he slowly gets up and follows his mom to the big bathroom._

_“Take your shirt off honey.I want to see if you are hurt anywhere else.”_

_He released the “Mommmm…” of a 12 year old boy but complied just the same._

_As soon as his shirt was off, she looked at the rest of him and found no other new bruises.She had him sit on the lid of the toilet and cleaned up his lip, wiping away the smeared blood and tears; then felt his ribs to see if any were broken.He tried to hold in the wince but didn’t pull it off.He also wasn’t able to hold back the few tears that escaped._

_His mom leaned down and lifted his chin, “Can you tell me what happened?”_

_He shakes his head ‘no,’ while his traitorous tears fall._

_“Sweetie, I can’t do anything to help you if you don’t tell me who did this to you.”_

_He shakes his head again,“It will only make it worse.”_

_The look on his face breaks her heart.When he puts his head down in what looks like shame, it shatters it._

_“Oh, honey…”. She pulls him into a hug, when he returns the hug like he’s holding on for dear life and starts to cry in earnest, her own tears fall._

_He holds on to his mom willing himself to not say what is on the verge escaping his bruised and split lips.He wants so desperately to tell her…he cries harder and almost pulls it together when Will comes to the door._

_“Mom…is he okay?”_

_“He will be.Do you know who did this?”_

_“No…he won’t tell me.”_

_She looks back at her battered and bruised son, “I wish you would tell me sweetie.I don’t want them to hurt you again.They might seriously hurt you next time.”_

_He shakes his head no again, “Can I just go to bed.I want to go to bed.”_

_She sighs, and follows him back to his room, grabbing a pillowcase from the linen closet on the way._

_“Change your pillowcase sweetie.I’ll get you some aspirin and an ice pack.”_

_When she leaves, Will sits on his bed while he changes the bloody pillow case._

_“Jay, you’re worrying mom…you need to tell us, so it will stop…”_

_He doesn’t look at Will, afraid that if he does he will tell him the truth and he can’t do that.It would screw things up and make his mom and Will sad…and his dad even more mad…he might even make him leave._

_“No, it’ll just make it worse for me, for everyone…It’ll stop, I’ll steer clear.”_

_“That’s what you said last time.”_

_He doesn’t respond to that.Just puts the dirty pillowcase in his hamper._

_His mom brings him his aspirin and has him lay down with the icepack on his eye until dinner.Will goes back outside to his friends, exasperated with his brother, but happy his friends can stay for dinner._

_“Go ahead and take a nap.Your dad had to go back to his office for a bit.When he gets home, I’ll send him up to check on you.”_

_If she had been looking at him at that moment, she would have seen the fear and would have known in a heartbeat what had happened.But luckily she was retrieving his bloody pillowcase from the hamper so she could put some stain stuff on it.He forgot she did that.He should have left it on top of the hamper._

_When he has his room to himself again, he puts on his hoody and grabs the five army guys from his nightstand and pulls up his covers so only his eyes are showing.He curls up, fear causing him to hold himself stiff as a board, his aching muscles scream at him in response as he waits for his dad to walk through the door._

_His dad comes up 20 or so minutes later.By then he is trembling from the fear coursing through him.His dad does what he has done before; walks in, shuts the door, lingers for the appropriate amount of time before getting in his face and telling him, ‘you’re asleep and don’t feel like coming down to dinner.’Then he leaves and tells his mom the same thing._

_At the same time downstairs, his mom did what she had done before, shoot off an angry email to his teacher, to which she would receive a response in the morning; a promise from his teacher to do what she could to get to the bottom of it._

_Jay did what he was supposed to, pretend he was asleep. When his mom brought him dinner and when Will came to check on him he didn’t stir.Later, he put the five army guys back on the nightstand facing the door, adjusted some of the army guys stationed throughout his room and cried himself to sleep._

XXXXXXX

“Jay.”

_Breathe… Sleep…you’re sleeping…_

A sigh then, “Halstead.”

 _Shit._ He’s torn between wanting to continue feigning sleep and just facing the music.This was Voight so, “Sarge.”

“How ya doin’ kid?”

He sucks in a breath and releases it.His throat doesn’t feel quite as bad but the rest of his body is killing him, especially his head.His answer is to open his eyes and them slam them shut again.

“Hold on.”

He hears the dull click of the magnet holding the door open, then the room eclipses into a notch just above ‘dark’ as it closes.

He opens his eyes.Voight is still standing by the door, then slowly moves back to his chair now that the kid’s eyes are open.Jay turns away and shakes his aching head in disgust, embarrassed by how he reacted to Voight before and how Voight must have thought he would react again when he walked towards him.

“It’s okay.”

Jay tries for exasperation to hide his embarrassment but when he looks at Voight, he knows he failed.

“You got nothing to be embarrassed about kid.It’s a normal reaction.”

“Ya…well…”His throat feels like one big kink so that’s all he says but gives a slight nod and keeps his head down.Trying to avoid Voight when he is sitting three feet away is an Olympic event he hasn’t trained for.

Voight doesn’t take his eyes off him, the kid’s in pain.He’s getting pissed the kid is choosing to sit there in pain instead of pushing the button.Finally, he’s fed up and pushes the button himself.

“Jesus kid…”

Jay’s eyes light up in panic, flick to the door and then back.

Christ. 

“There’s a security guard at the nurses station and one of us will be here until you’re out, so take the meds.He won’t get back in.We’ve got you covered.”

Whether it’s the meds or knowing that they won’t let his dad near him is up for debate but just the same, Jay takes a breath and lets himself relax a bit.He’s surprised he’s not more embarrassed that his boss knew he was scared, something else he’ll chalk up to the meds.

They are silent for awhile, it teetering between comfortable and uncomfortable, which is actually pretty amazing, since sitting silent in a room with Voight is never a comfortable affair.They are both lost in their own heads.It’s Voight who finally breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry Jay.I know you didn’t want Will to know…”

Jay blows out a breath, “I think the cat was already out of the bag, even if no one realized it was a cat yet.It’s okay…”

“No, kid, it’s not okay.It wasn’t my place to say anything and I did it anyway.I tried to convince myself that it was an accident.It was an accident that Will heard the argument but the argument itself wasn’t.I didn’t have to bite but I chose to do it.”

There is more silence.Jay doesn’t really know what to say to that, until he does.

“To be honest, I’m grateful.There were a lot of times I wanted to tell Will, usually when I was mad at him for trying to push me into forgiving our dad…”He meets Voight’s eyes, “…kind of as a fuck you, you know?But I could never do it.”He shakes his head.

Tears come to his eyes, he shrugs, “You were mad for me…protecting me…” _I never had that._ “I never had that…”He nods his head to himself and looks at Voight as the tears spill.He shrugs, not able to get the words out… …“Thanks for that…” His breath hitches and he can feel the sob coming, but before it escapes, Voight is sitting on the bed pulling him into a hug, one hand resting gently on the back of his neck.It’s then that the sob escapes, followed by a life time of tears.

XXXXXXX

Later that morning Will goes to the hospital, not to see Jay, he couldn’t face him yet, but to see Dr. Charles.He needed to know why he didn’t see.He needed someone to tell him he didn’t purposely turn a blind eye to the abuse inflicted on his little brother.He needed absolution.

“Why?How?I mean, did I not see on purpose?Should I have seen what was going on?Shouldn’t I have been able to tell? 

“Well hello to you to Will.Wanna come in and shut the door and we’ll see if we can get this sorted out…start at the beginning and we’ll see if we can find some answers to your questions.”

Dr. Charles waits patiently, hands folded and resting on a pillow of messy paperwork, while Will sits down and takes a breath.

“Take your time.”

Will puts his elbows on his knees and holds his head in his hands.He breathes for a moment and poses his first question to the ground.“Did you know they brought Jay in yesterday morning?”

"I was told he was hurt in a bust and they might need a consult but that’s as much as I know.”

Will scoffs, “A bust…”He chews his lip and looks at the peanut on the carpet between his feet, it seems easier than actually looking at Dr. Charles, so he talks to the peanut.“Jay wasn’t hurt in a bust…”

When Will doesn’t go on, he prods a bit, “How did he get hurt?”

“My dad beat him up…bad.”That initial, painful statement opens the gate and he can’t stop.A waterfall of failure and sorrow, anger, fear and guilt escape his lips.The peanut long forgotten, Will lays it all out, eyes never wavering from the doctor’s, challenging him to hear it all and then judge.

When Will is finally done, he goes back to his stare down with the peanut; that has somehow been crushed into the carpet during his diatribe.

Dr. Charles lets Will’s emotions settle into the nooks and crannies of the room.“What would you like from me, Will?”

He doesn’t know how to answer that.He somehow thought he was done talking.Now Dr. Charles wants him to continue talking and he doesn’t know what to say; so he asks a question and flings the ball back into Dr. Charles court.

“What do you mean what do I want?”

“I mean, are you here for comfort…advice…absolution?”

Will sits back in the chair and clasps his hands on his head.After a moment he scrubs his hands over his face then crosses his arms on his chest, saying nothing while saying everything.

“Will…”

He lets his hands drop to his lap, his eyes following, “I want you to make it better, so all of the above.”

“I can give you one and two and an open door whenever you need to talk.You will have to give yourself number three.Not even Jay can give you that.”

His head snaps up on that and a few tears fall, “That’s really the one I wanted.”

“I know.If I were sitting in that chair, it would be the one I would want also.”

“I don’t know how to do this…any of it…Do you think I did it on purpose?Saw it but ignored what happened?”More tears fell then, silently, painfully.

“Again, not a question I can definitively answer…” He raises a hand to stop Will from interrupting.“…but, I can tell you based on what you have told me, that no, I don’t think you did it on purpose.Kid’s in a household were there is a target child will often miss the abuse.It more than likely feels like you turned a blind eye because hind site is 20/20.You have new information that is turning your childhood experience, your memories upside down.”

Dr. Charles lets that sink in.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Will.You were you.Were you maybe a jerky brother at times?Possibly, but what sibling isn’t at times.You are magnifying everything you have ever ‘done’ to your brother and adding it to the abuse.Your dad, not you,physically and emotionally abused your brother.You saying you weren’t there for Jay is something you are seeing from this side of it.Give little Will a break, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“You don’t and I’m not expecting you to right now.But someday you will…it’s just gunna take some time to get there.”

For one reason he feels heavier now than when he first arrived. He wanted a quick fix, he wanted someone to tell him it wasn’t his fault, he wanted the problem to go away but that wasn’t realistic and more importantly, it wasn’t fair to Jay.He rests his elbows on his knees and puts his head back in his hands and lets the tears roll as he looks at the crushed peanut.

He needed to see his brother and he was scared shitless.

XXXXXXX

Adam and Kevin are sitting on Dr. Halstead’s house.At the time they reported in, they had no idea if he was even home.There are no lights on and it’s still dark out.He could have gone anywhere after he left the hospital, but it’s a place to start.Their only choice right now is to watch.If he’s not in the house, they can’t exactly put out a BOLO.

For now they are handling everything in-house.Well in-house plus Platt and two officers she trusted to keep their mouths shut. The officers had eyes on the two entrances/exits that the elder Halstead could use to get to his office.They didn’t know why they were watching and knew not to engage, just inform her when he arrived.They had assumed it was some kind of protection detail and she was more than happy to let them believe that.

XXXXXXX

The first thing Hailey and Kim see when they walk up to Jay’s door is the blood.There’s not a lot but it’s blood just the same.Hailey uses her key and lets them in.The apartment is well lit, turning off lights would have been the least of Jay’s worries.They check out his small kitchen and are brought to an abrupt halt when they take in the living area.

Hailey’s heart drops as she takes in the outward manifestation of Jay’s pain.Her eyes meet Kim’s and both see unshed tears in the others eyes.The coffee table has empty beer bottles and the TV is destroyed.Hailey walks over to unplug it but sees Jay had the wherewithal to take care of that.She picks up his cell phone, broken beyond repair.She sighs and they make their way to the bedroom.

They are silent as they continue their inspection.The pillowcase is smeared with blood, as is the sheet and on closer inspection so is the comforter.The towel on the floor also has quite a bit of blood.They make their way to the bathroom and that is where the true destruction has taken place.There is a pile of bloody clothes on the floor.The mirror is destroyed, its pieces litter the counter and floor.Random drops of blood are everywhere; counter, toilet seat, floor…there is more blood smeared on the shower wall and floor.

Hailey leaves while Kim continues to survey the mess.She finds herself sitting on the corner of Jay’s bed, elbows on knees, hands combed through and then hidden in her hair as she lets her head rest in her hands.“Oh Jay…” she whispers.The task to help her partner is daunting.She will do it without a doubt but where to start.There were so many moving parts, Will, Jay’s dad, Jay’s apartment, Jay’s physical wounds, Jay’s emotional wounds and what…and what were they going to do about the cause of those wounds, who was still walking around out there.She didn’t have the answers.One step at a time.She would start with the bedding and make her way from there.

Kim comes out of the bathroom, her sadness, no doubt mirroring her own.

“I’ll start with the living room.”

Hailey finishes running her hands through her hair, then pulls it up into a ponytail.“I’ll start in here.”

It’s when she picks up the bloody pillow to strip the case that she sees the broken bit of mirror on the edge of the nightstand.She sits back down and picks it up.She turns the small piece over and over in her hands, her mind following suit as she puzzles out its significance.A small smile plays across her lips when she thinks she’s figured it out.She’s about to put it back, when she notices the plastic army man on the floor between the bed and nightstand.She knows from her own experience, this isn’t just a childhood toy.She tilts her head back and sighs, holding the army man and the bit of mirror in her hands, letting the sadness wash over her.She finally puts the piece of mirror back on the nightstand, further from the edge than where she found it and sets the army guy in front of it.Tucking the thoughts of her own childhood protector, her yellow Power Ranger away, she stands up and goes about the business of putting her partner back together.

Two hours later Jay’s apartment is as cleaned up as it’s going to get.

“I’ll call Kerry in the morning, he’s the super…see if he can replace the mirror and take out what’s left of the TV. He’s a retired captain from the police academy.He’s cool.”

Kim nods, shouldering the back pack with a change of clothes for Jay.Hailey picks up the trash bag to dump on their way out and locks up.She’ll get the guys to comeback and replace the TV.Right now she just wanted to get back to Jay.

XXXXXXX

When Jay is all cried out, he leans back on the bed wipes his eyes, and gives Voight a small, grateful smile. 

“What do you want to do kid?"

He isn’t quite sure what he wants to do.He’s an emotional mess on top of being a physical mess.Finally he makes another non-decision decision.

“Can we just…can everyone just…” he sighs “…can we just leave it alone for now…please…just leave it…for now.”

“You got it kid.I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

Before the door closes, he sees Voight talk to the uni in the hall, sending him away before taking over his seat.Jay lets his head fall back onto the pillows and blows out a breath. 

He’s had ten seconds of quiet and already the thoughts are seeping into the cracks of his psyche.He doesn’t want to think any more.He beg’s for a reprieve from his thoughts but that isn’t in the cards.He hates to admit it, but that actually may be a good thing.He had a lot to figure out.

His resolve to work everything out doesn’t last long.Thoughts of Will leaving, Will hating him and basically ruining Will’s life snuff out any productive thoughts.Even though he doesn’t need it yet, he pushes the button, opting for a drug induced sleep, rather than facing his problems.With all he had faced overseas, with all the shit he ran into as a cop, he would’ve never in a million years thought of himself as a coward.Heck, the word wasn’t even in his vocabulary.But he couldn’t deny it.When it came to his dad, there was no doubt in his mind, that he truly was a coward.And that was the thought that carried him into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and as always, thank you so much for the lovely comments! They truly make my day! Stay safe you awesome people!


	9. Chapter 9

_He is 16 and Will is away at college.His mom is at a church retreat.His dad isn’t home yet…he is sitting on the porch swing…in the kitchen drinking milk out of the carton…eating Oreo’s in his room…he hadn’t hear his dad come home…reaching into the cupboard for the Oreo’s…kidney punch…head slamming onto the counter…the hand on his neck holding him down…his dad’s breath on his face asking why he is there…I wasn’t supposed to go with mom…was I?_  
_The hand releases him and he stumbles…he is on the floor…knee on his back, head pulled back by his hair then slammed into the ground…a kick to the groin and he is alone curled on the cold floor, tears flowing…_

He jerks awake sending a bolt of pain through his body, vanquishing the dream.He leans his head back and attempts to breathe through the pain instead of hitting the button for the meds.He wipes his face, surprised to find tears…shit.At least he’s alone in the room and Voight didn’t witness his nightmare.

As soon as the pain subsides and he’s got his wits about him, his mind starts up like the fucking traitor it is.His first thought, of course, is about his dad, the nightmare and he pushes it away. His dad wasn’t around and as far as he was concerned, he would never have to see him again.Time to grow up.What a laugh.He hoped he could get out of that 10 year old ‘scared of his dad’ mentality.But then a thought struck him like a gut punch.The 32 year old was afraid of his dad also.He didn’t like that thought at all and thought it had to be bullshit.He closes his eyes.He wants it to be bullshit, but ultimately knew it wasn’t.

He sat in the cesspool of that thought for a while, in danger of drowning in it, when another thought settled in and threw him a life preserver.He wasn’t afraid of his dad the same way his10 year old self was.His 10 year old self was afraid of the pain, physically and emotionally that his dad perpetrated on him.32 year old Jay was afraid of his dad because he lost who he was, who he had become, whenever he was around him.

No, that was bullshit.He was afraid of him.His adult armor was only so strong.It was easy for his dad to chip away at his adult self with his mind games, until who he is now is gone and all there was left was a 10 year old boy; and that little boy was no match for the sadistic bastard. His dad’s cruelty this week, resulted in his gradual ablation and when the last bit crumbled away, there, cowering in the corner, sat a scared and lonely little boy wondering what he did wrong to make his dad not love him and why he couldn’t call his dad ‘dad.’

XXXXXXX

He slowly gets out of bed and gives himself a second to see if a face plant is in his immediate future; and when it doesn’t look like it, trudges like an old man to the bathroom, using his IV pole for balance.He feels like one big bruise.He’s not sure if he’s still supposed to use the urinal but opts to forgo it since it would just be proof that he got out of bed when he wasn’t supposed to.

He catches himself in the mirror while he washes his hands.With no shirt on he can see what a mess he is.At first he was just seeing the bruises, the cuts, the split lip, the bandaged arm.But the longer he looked the less he saw the injuries but the reason for them.He closed his eyes and watched is dad beat him.Felt every blow while he watched his dad’s face.He went back further and watched his dad beat him until Mouse showed up and saved his ass.He repeated the process until he watched that first blow and the look on his dad’s face…with every blow his dad’s face radiated hate.Pure hate.That was what he had the hardest time wrapping his head around. 

Okay, he knew he was an accident, a happy accident it seems, as far as his mom was concerned.He knew, since his dad was kind enough to share, many times, that he didn’t want another kid.But how did that equate to hate?He looks at the bruises on his torso and thinks, for the hundredth time, that if hearts bruised, that’s what his would look like.

He rolls back around to the question he’s asked himself for years, what did he do to make his dad hate him?He stared at the bruises.Stared at his bruised face, looked himself in the eye and saw the truth, whispering it out loud, “nothing…you did nothing…” …putting another squeeze on his heart…it’s what hurts the most… 

It hurt that there wasn’t anything he could fix, anything he could make better, anything he could do to make it up to his dad, for what?Existing?At this point, maybe his head is ‘screwed on’ a bit ‘right’ because he doesn’t feel any desire to apologize for his existence; any desire to earn his dad’s love. He’s been here before…every fucking time…it’s Tuesday…a week since this whole shit show started…he wishes he could take back…what?What do you wish you could take back? 

Maybe it was him…maybe he didn’t give his dad a chance…that thought only lingers for a second…he used to toss that one around a lot…it was the thought that always put him at the starting line of the race to make his dad love him.Why in the hell would he even want that man’s love?He was a horrible human being…

But was he? 

He had seen his dad with Will growing up.They had fun together, laughed, joked around, looked forward to spending time together.That was what he wanted but never got.He wanted what Will had…he was jealous…probably…he coveted what Will had.He didn’t want Will to NOT have it, he just wanted to share in it with him and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t have it. 

He had reserved a place in his heart for Dr. Patrick Halstead’s love but he didn’t take him up on the offer.Instead his dad took that love elsewhere or maybe just divvied it up between Will and his mom.They got an extra helping, like what you got when you were extra hungry at dinner time or like the extra piece of cake you got on your birthday.They got his, while he was over here starving.He didn’t understand and he didn’t understand why he needed _so badly_ to understand.It wasn’t going to happen.He already had the answer.His dad didn’t want another kid.But to hate that kid… Christ…this is what happens every time.This was the merry-go-round of thoughts he rode on every goddamn time this happened.

He knew that Hailey and Voight and the rest where pissed and wanted to beat the shit out of his dad or run him over with a truck or throw him in jail; and in Voight’s case, put him in jail then call in some favors from an inmate or two to make his dad’s life miserable.He understood that and appreciate it…and maybe if he didn’t have to consider Will he’d let them have at it, but there was Will to consider…so no…nothing was happening right now…

He refocuses on his face in the mirror and sees the tear tracks.His body is starting to lag, the pain starting to makes itself known.He knows he won’t make it back to bed without passing out.He has the IV, could push the button for the meds but would just face plant in a step or two when the meds knocked him out.He opts to slowly and patiently ease himself down to the ground.He would rest here.He pushes the button hoping for a little respite from the pain and hopes he doesn’t fall asleep in the mean time. He’s sure that’ll freak out whoever finds him…hopefully the absolutely freezing tile against his bare back will keep him awake while the morphine does its thing.

He leans his head back, not understanding why he was still in so much pain but then he realizes it’s Tuesday…he’s probably still in the height of the pain since his dad kicked his ass on Saturday.He pulls his bare feet towards him so he can rest his head on his knees…the adjustment starts a storm of pain rolling through his body.He breathes through it, willing himself to not pass out.When the pain has leveled out again he wishes he had his own clothes.He thinks he should call Hailey and ask her to bring some, but he has no idea where his phone is. 

Bored, riding out the the pain and trying not to spin, he notices the dirt in the corner underneath the sink and laughs…he’d have to tell Will about that subpar bit of housekeeping…but that thought…dammit…brings the tears again as he thinks he won’t get to make that sarcastic remark to Will. 

He’s not sure if he dropped off to sleep, if he did it couldn’t have been long…the nurses come in every half hour or so to check on him.He looks at the door…wondering where his dad is and would he be bold enough to show up here again…he figures that’s not going to happen…not after the run-in he had with Voight.When he thinks about going home, it’s like turning the ignition to a panic attack.His dad has shown up there before…no reason to think he wouldn’t show up again…he wasn’t strong enough to fight back yet…he lets out a growl of frustration and chastises himself for thinking for one second he would have the balls to fight back.GODDAMMIT!He taps his head against the wall in frustration and that just sends spikes of pain through his head as he hits the knot from his last spill.He keeps his eyes closed and breathes through his frustration.He’s doing a shitload of breathing and it doesn’t seem to be doing a shitload of good…

He feels nauseous when he thinks about Will.He’s worried about him for one thing.He basically dropped a bomb on Will’s life.He’s not sure though, if he destroyed Will’s relationship with their dad.Will hasn’t been around, so more than likely his dad has convinced Will that he’s lying. If that’s the case then the bomb blew up _his_ relationship with Will.He sucks in a breath and doesn’t bother to try and stop the few tears that escape.He can’t help but spin about what his life will be like without Will in it.Will his only interactions with his brother be the few times they have to go to the ER to question a suspect or victim?Or if one of the team get hurt?Would he still feel comfortable going to Molly’s knowing Will is going to be there?Will they end up treating there favorite hangout like a kid stuck between his divorced parents?You get Molly’s Monday, Wednesday and Friday, while the other gets Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.They go every other week for Sundays?He doesn’t feel the need for that.But Will will probably want that, he’ll be uncomfortable being in the same room with him.He fists his hands and scrunches up his face, willing the tears away. 

His “relationship” with his dad has been incinerated, with no hope of there ever being any kind of, any kind of what?He hates that line of thought.He shouldn’t want a relationship with his dad.His dad has had nothing but hate for him for as long as he can remember.He remembers how he felt the few times his dad actually had to be civil to him in public.He is embarrassed and sad for that little kid that wanted to hold on to those interactions as if they were real.As if his dad really did care about him, really did love him. 

Enough of this.Time to get up…he’s freezing…the dose of morphine has taken the edge off and his weak-ass body has recovered enough to walk ten goddamn steps back to bed.

Standing up was the problem but eventually he made it.He gave himself the side eye in the mirror and felt a little bit like his dad for being mean to himself…he briefly thought, ‘you deserve it’ but shut that down right away even though another part of him thought just because you aren’t currently saying the words in your head doesn’t mean there isn’t a part of you that believes it.There is a part of him that knows he believes it.He wonders if he’ll ever convince that part of him otherwise…give it up…it won’t work…didn’t work with your dad, won’t work with you…

He was about five seconds away from passing out when Voight found him leaning against the wall near the bathroom.Jay waited for the lecture the whole time they were getting him back to bed but it never came.With Jay was situated, all he got from Voight was, “Go to sleep kid.Then he pushed the button for his meds, sat on the chair near the bed and closed his eyes.His last image before the meds took him was Voight sitting in that chair.The feeling he had when the meds took him was that he had never felt so safe.

XXXXXXX

Hailey pauses at the door.Jay is sleeping.In the chair next to the bed, arms crossed, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles, is a sleeping Voight.She sets the duffle bag of Jay’s things on the floor as quietly as she can and takes a seat.Neither Voight nor Jay stir, both dead to the world.She looks at her partner and has to stifle a laugh as once again he isn’t wearing a hospital gown and has chosen to go shirtless.She sees the gown lying on the floor, wrapped in the wheels of the rolling table.The guy hates everything about hospitals.She sighs.The bruises on his body and face are darker, a neon sign advertising his physical pain.She rubs her forehead, Jay hasn’t asked to go home, that in and of itself tells her where his mind is.She thinks, and she’s pretty sure she’s right, that he’s feeling stuck right now.He hates being in the hospital but for right now, it’s feeling safe to him. 

XXXXXXX

She woke up a few minutes ago to find Voight gone and Jay staring at her.Once the cobwebs are out of her head, she stares back, lips pulled tight, eyebrow raised.She’s waiting to see if he’ll ask to be alone; when he doesn’t, she asks the question she knows he’s sick of but asks him anyway.Because out of all the people in the world, she feels she will always have a right to ask that question, whether he likes it (he won’t) or not (ding ding ding winner.)

“How are you?”

He surprises her with the truth.

“I’m such a fucking mess.”

“How did it go with Will?” 

His voice is a little stronger, the steroids are working but he still isn’t supposed to be talking; but he’s Jay, so…

“It didn’t. I haven’t seen him since he found out.”

She blows about a breath.She’s angry.

“Don’t be mad at him Hails.I basically just destroyed his…”

“NO!No, goddammit Jay, I’m not going to let you do that.YOU…”She closes her eyes and takes it down a notch, “…you didn’t destroy anything.That honor belongs to your dad.”

He really has nothing to say to that. 

She continues to watch him as he bites the unspilt side of his lip and stares at the foot of his bed through squinting eyes.

She pushes the button for his meds.

“Dammit Hailey.”

“You’re in pain.”

“Jesus, what is it with you guys pushing the button.I need to think.”He takes the button and tucks it under the covers.

“Well, if you don’t want to be in pain and you also want to think, have Ethan reduce the dose.”

“Has anyone seen Will?I’m…”. He clears his throat and swallows down the emotion.“I’m worried about him.”

She doesn’t really care where Will is, he left his brother high and dry.Jay is already mess and his brother has abandoned him.

His voice is thicker, “What’s up with my dad?”

“Don’t know.He won’t make it back into the hospital.They PNG’d him.There’s also security at the nurses station incase he slips by.”

They are silent for a while.She is determined to let Jay set the pace and direction of the conversation.He continues to find the foot of his bed fascinating. 

“He never used to punch me…in the face…I mean a couple of times he did, early on…but he’s a surgeon, gotta protect the hands…”He squeezes his hands into fists then relaxes them again in his lap.“…he would mainly punch me in the stomach, back…softer…”. He clears his throat and winces.“He would knock my head into stuff…”

She winces at that but stays quiet.

“He would kick me once he got me down on the floor…”

There is a long silence.She can see the emotions running across his face.It’s the shame that breaks her heart.

“Jay, you don’t…”

“I used to wipe up the blood.”

He gets his thoughts in order.“Afterwards, he would leave or I would leave.I always said it was bullies…I would clean up the blood before I left…so Will and my mom wouldn’t find out…my first undercover gig…”His laugh is hollow, “We had hiding it down to a science.”

More silence.She can see the wheels turning

He clears his throat again, “I cleaned up the blood…on Thursday…he slammed my head into the wall…I cleaned up the blood…off the wall…then I took out the trash…” His eyes flick to her face, trying to gauge her reaction, does she find him revolting or weak…he sees only empathy.

“I’m struck.”He looks at her then, face scrunching up, eyes filling with tears,“I feel like I’m 10.”

He huffs out a breath at the ridiculousness of it and gives her an uneasy smile.

“That’s when he first hurt you?”

He thinks on that.“Physically, ya.”

She leans forward and puts her hand on his arm, “Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, I feel like I’m seven.I would like to promise you that once you get passed this, you’ll never feel like a 10 year old again, but I can’t - because you will.”

His voice is stronger but still a bit raspy and cracks, “Great.Just fucking great.”

She gives his arm a squeeze, “You will get through this Jay.We, I, will help you get through this.You’re not alone here.”

He is choked up and doesn’t want to cry…again, so he just nods at her statement, knowing it’s true.

She sees him start to spin and wants so desperately to get him out of his head, that she takes another crack at a joke, “And look at it this way, you’ll only feel 10, you won’t be 10, so at least you won’t have to go through puberty again.”

He smiles and lets out a genuine airy chuckle, grateful for the gift of light in his darkness from his partner.

“Well played Upton, well played … … thanks.”

XXXXXXX

Hailey is nodding off again when she sees Will stop just inside the door.She gives him a smile and gets up to leave.She doesn’t feel the need to lash out at him as she did when she first arrived this morning.It’s sunk in a bit more that Will is hurting also, so she is granting him a temporary pardon.

She gives Will’s arm a squeeze on her way out.“He’s been sleeping a while.I’m going to get some coffee.” 

He gives her a nod and continues to look at his little brother.All of those bruises…all those bruises on his brother, came from their dad.He sucks in a breath to stop a sob from escaping.He continues to stare at Jay’s sleeping form, memorizing every bit of the evidence of who his dad really is.He’s struggling to reconcile his version of their dad and Jay’s version of their dad.It seems impossible but he believes to the depths of his soul that Jay lived the truth of their dad while he lived the lie.And as much as he believes it, he can’t wrap his head around any of it.A few tears escape as he looks at the bruising around Jay’s neck.His dad did that.His dad did that.His hero did that to his brother.He steps outside the room and leans against the wall, stifling a sob with his hand.Eventually he covers his face with his hands and folds over, silent sobs escaping. 

When he is able to compose himself, he wipes away the tears and steps back into the room.Jay is awake…and looking at him with, what?Expectation?Fear? 

He doesn’t know what to say to his little brother.He doesn’t know what to do.He’s not ready.

When the look on Jay’s face turns to anguish, he realizes that Jay has misread his silence and rushes to his brother, pulling him into a hug. Jay holds tightly, burying his bruised face into his brother’s chest, gripping Will’s shirt afraid to let go, afraid Will will let go.Jay can’t stop sobbing and his heart rate escalates, his physical pain over taking the emotional.He’s had no pain meds the entire time he’s been sleeping. 

Will looks at the PCA pump, based on the readout, Jay hasn’t had any meds for awhile.Will pushes the button, hoping relief comes quickly for his brother.

“Shh, brother, it’s okay, we’re okay.I’m going to get some meds onboard.I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Jay’s sobbing is infiltrated with groans of pain, the meds aren’t touching it.Jay needs a supplemental dose but Will doesn’t want to leave him.

Ethan runs in just then, responding to Jay’s heart monitor going off.

“He needs a supplemental.”

“That’s what I figured.”Ethan pushes the morphine while Will continues to hang onto Jay.The meds take effect quickly and Jay’s arms drop to his sides as he passes against Will.

Will lays his little brother back on the bed and gently wipes Jay’s face with a corner of the sheet, careful to avoid his split lip.He gives Ethan a nod, not able to speak for the lump in his throat.He turns around when Voight and Hailey rush into the room, then turns back to his brother.He brushes through Jay’s hair and holds his hand.They see the tears in Will’s eyes and although Will didn’t say anything, the devastation was there.Relief floods through both of them with the realization that Will hasn’t abandoned his brother.Will will be there for Jay and they silently make a commitment to be there for both of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems like the longer my stories get the harder they are to wrap up…too much new stuff keeps flooding in…oh well…what can you do but write another chapter!
> 
> I think this is usually the time I say “only a couple of chapters left.” But if you have read any of my other multi chapter stories you will know that that will end up being an accidental lie. So I’m not saying anything.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment. You guys are awesome! Stay safe!!!!!!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! Finally! Sorry it’s taken me so long. I didn’t realize how long I had dilly dallied! It was a struggle, that’s for sure. Thanks for sticking with me guys, I appreciate it. There are definitely parts of this chapter that didn’t turn out quite how I wanted, but sometimes ya just gotta let it go and send it on it’s way. 

Will has been sitting on Jay’s bed for what feels like hours.He’s almost comfortable; butt on the bed, feet on a chair, elbows on his knees, head in his hands…almost comfortable.He lifts his head up and looks at his brother’s battered face and bruised neck and chest.How could he not see, how could he have not seen the pain his brother went through?He grabs Jay’s hand and holds it, hoping Jay can feel his love even though he is out cold.

He puts his head back down and rests it on his one hand.Not willing to let go of Jay’s and looks at his feet on the chair.He wants Jay to wake up so badly but at the same time, is terrified of the ‘must have’ conversation when Jay wakes up.He wants to help his brother, erase the hurt but doesn’t think either are possible.Jay might not want help from him.Might blame him, with reason, for what his dad did.It seems like every third thought he is jumping back to _how could I not see?_

He closes his eyes and continues planning in his head what he’ll say to make Jay believe that he loves him and is sorry he didn’t see, didn’t protect him.He is so lost in his thoughts that he isn’t aware that Jay is awake and watching him.

Jay opens his eyes and sees Will sitting on his bed.He’s not sure what to make of that…but it leaves him hopeful…and then sad as he quietly sits there watching Will blink away the tears that threaten to fall. Finally Jay is brave enough to ask a question he has only ever asked himself, causing the pain in his heart to become so great that his clenched fist presses against it, like that could relieve the ache or protect him from the answer he fears will come.

His voice is soft and filled with pain, “Do you think I deserved it?”

Will is startled when Jay speaks and it takes him a moment to register what Jay asked.Shocked by the words, Will looks at him and the tears flood his eyes and overflow down his cheeks. 

He can’t get the words out of his mouth fast enough.“God Jay! No!Don’t even think that! Christ no, no Jay!No way, no way in hell!” 

By the end of his heartfelt declaration Will is bawling but words don’t seem to be enough so he grabs his brother into a brutal hug letting his heart speak to Jay’s.Any physical pain Jay might feel from the frantic hug, is numbed by Will’s heart begging him to believe the truth of this.

When Will is finally ready to release him, he puts a hand on each side of Jay’s head, letting his thumbs brush away Jay’s tears. His eyes are locked with Jay’s begging him to believe that he didn’t deserve this. Searing it into his mind just as his heartbeat hammered it into Jay’s heart. He. Did. Not. Deserve. It!He can only hope Jay believes him.Only when Jay finally acknowledges that he heard him, does Will drop his hands.

Jay’s tears continue to roll, “I’m sorry Will…”

Will cuts him off before he can say more, grabbing and holding the hand Jay had clenched over his heart.

“God Jay, you have nothing to apologize for.Please believe me.”

The emotions overwhelming him, Jay can’t get his breath for a moment, he has no voice, he shakes, then nods his head, taking a shuddering breath as more tears fall. ****

They sit there for a while, Jay’s tears evaporating, being momentarily convinced by Will that he didn’t deserve it. They are both silent, each lost in their own thoughts, trying to figure out how to start the conversation and what to say when they do get started.‘Uncomfortable’ wouldn’t be the correct word to describe the silence.Sad and hopeful would probably be more fitting; with maybe a little fear.It’s the fear that spurs Will to action.

He starts to stand up, wanting to run, afraid he will say the wrong thing, “Are you hungry?You must be hungry.I’ll get you some jello.”

“Will…”

He shakes his head at himself and sits on Jay’s bed again, taking Jay’s hand in both of his. ****

“I’m so sorry Jay.I am such a shit for a brother…”

Jay interrupts, “No, Will…”

“No, wait.Please just listen a sec.” 

Jay takes a breath and nods.

“I am a shit for a brother but until this, I thought I was just a shit brother when Mom died…when you came back…not being there for you…Last night I took a hard look at us growing up… …

“I’m sorry I stormed out of here…I know that just hurt you more…made you think…”Tears come to his eyes and he looks down to compose himself but the tears are still there when he looks up.“God…I was so mean to you, called you a brat.I basically shunned you.I should have looked out for you.I…I should have seen.I should have realized.I should have protected you…”. He pauses then, so many ‘should’s.’How could he ever make up for them all…it was daunting looking at the damage he needed to undo… “I wish you would have told me…I could have protected you…done something.”Will looks down then, guilt and remorse seeping from every pore.Words weren’t enough.

‘ _I wish you would have told me’_ …Jay thinks about that statement and even though he knows it came from a place of love, he feels the blame from Will even if Will doesn’t realize what he just said, or what it implies: if he only would have told someone, we wouldn’t be at this point.Jay sighs internally and lets that go for now…it compounds the sadness and guilt of ruining Will’s life or at least tainting his childhood.

Jay clears his throat, which makes him wince.He takes a drink of water,but his voice still comes out in a rasp, “Will, I think I would have done the same thing…left…that had to be harder than hard to hear…I know how close you and dad are…I know dad is your hero…I could imagine what I would have felt if the tables were turned and you told me mom was cruel to you all our lives, beat you…belittled you…I would be devastated…knowing the one solid love I had in my life would be tainted…” … … Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He wishes he wouldn’t have said all of that.It would just make Will feel worse and Will felt bad enough as it was.This was too hard. _I don’t know how to have this conversation._ His head hurt and he just wanted to sleep.He didn’t know how to make Will NOT feel guilty.He didn’t even know if it was even possible.

Internally Will feels like a bigger pile of shit.Jay believed that only one person in his life loved him.Their mom and he lost her and that left him alone.Where he, on the other hand, felt the love of both their parents and Jay.Hell, he knew Jay loved him and worshiped the ground he walked on when they were kids.Jay had constantly tried to show him how much he loved him as kids and he had just pushed him away and couldn’t be bothered with “a brat.”

Needless to say, Jay didn’t think he would have reacted differently if the tables were turned and he was in Will’s position. He wasn’t sure how he would get through that.That’s why, maybe, who knows, even as adults he didn’t tell Will.He thought it was a problem that would take care of itself by avoiding his dad.There was no good reason to put it out there.

“Will…I think you didn’t see because dad…he manipulated you.I really believe that.I think he manipulated mom too.” _I won’t believe any thing different…I wouldn’t be able…I would go nuts if I found out mom knew…No…she didn’t know…I see every step dad took to cover his tracks…I know everything_ ** _I_** _did to cover his tracks…I was too good at my first undercover for my own good._ He sighs, believing to the depths of his heart his mom didn’t know.

Will sees Jay has checked out…maybe this was too much for him…he’s in pain physically on top of the emotional crap.

“Jay…where are you right now?” 

Jay blinks and takes a breath.“Huh? Oh…just thinking about mom.”

He nods.“Do you need some meds?”

“No, I’m good.I’m good.”

Will starts to talk but Jay stops him, needing to finish his thought.

“You did what I think normal big brothers do, who hasn’t called their little brother a brat or told them to go away when they want to hang out with friends.It was just a mixture of a lot of fucked up stuff.You were a kid.There was no way you could know I was alone or lonely…” 

Will thinks _But I did know_. _I did know you were lonely._ And that just ratchets up the guilt. It takes everything in his power not to run…he didn’t want to know how much of a bad brother he was…he is…what he knows…it’s already too much.He doesn’t deserve to have Jay as a brother.

“…you didn’t know I was sad or hurt, so you wouldn’t realize that any of your normal little kid actions might affect me more than the norm.”

Will blanches at that and takes it in, lets the words, _alone, lonely, sad_ and _hurt_ sink in.In a way it felt like a back handed pardon but really Jay was just letting him into his childhood, which differed so much from his.He thinks again about Jay’s big eyes filling with tears when he kicked him out of the tv room and feels like an even bigger shit.How many times had he done something like that to his scared and lonely little brother. 

Will can see the pain Jay’s in.The emotional pain is no longer working as a pain med to numb the physical.

“You’re in pain.Push the button…please.We’ll talk again.You need some rest.”He gets up to leave but stops and grabs Jay’s hand.

“I love you Jay…you believe that don’t you?”

“I believe it Will.I’ve always believed it…I love you too.”

Will squeezes his little brother’s hand, mouth closed tight, unable to speak.He nods as his eyes fill with tears, gives Jay half a smile, nods again as the tears start to fall and walks out of the room.

XXXXXXX

He has been sitting in the doctors lounge, hidden in the corner between the wall and the end of a sofa, bawling.His knees are pulled towards him, elbows resting on them so he can hide his face is his hands. He’s surrounded by used tissues and all he has done for the last hour is replay his conversation with Jay and bawl.Bawl for Jay’s pain, for his own lack of insight and for how he feels he royally fucked up the conversation.Especially when he said the thing about wishing Jay had told him.He basically put the blame on Jay for his childhood. _Jesus Fucking Christ!_

He reaches down for more tissues and sees Hailey sitting in front of him crossed legged and lets out a yelp in the middle of his sob.

“Jesus, Hailey!You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to.Jay’s asleep and I just thought you shouldn’t be alone.”

He nods his head and as embarrassed as he is, he doesn’t stop crying.He lets out a strangled chuckle.

“You’re stealthy.”

She smiles and shrugs, “Eh, comes in handy with the job.”

They sit there in silence for a few minutes, comfortable for Hailey, uncomfortable for Will. 

As much as she wants to know if Jay is okay after their conversation, he’s sleeping; so she doesn’t know if she should be comforting Will right now or punching him.She goes for the comfort figuring there would be time for punching later if need be.

She gives him a few more minutes to compose himself, then, “How did it go with Jay.”

His tears flow in earnest again and it takes him a moment before he can speak and when he can his voice is thick with emotion.

“I don’t know…fine, I guess…okay…Oh God…I fucked it up so bad.”

That worries her a bit for Jay but she’s able to keep her cool.“It wasn’t an easy conversation Will.What makes you feel like you fucked it up?”

He shakes his head and covers his eyes, releasing a sob.“I said something I shouldn’t have…something stupid…something that basically blamed him for what happened to him.”

“You said to him, he should have told you?”It was a question but comes out as a statement.

He looks at her with wide eyes, tears and snot forgotten, stunned that she knows what he said to Jay.When he shakes himself from his stupor and wipes his face and nose, he asks,

“How did…”

“A lot of people ask that question or make that kind of statement.It comes from a place of love but it does, more often than not, suck for the recipient.They already feel like it’s their fault and now someone else is also, accidentally, piling on blame.”

Hailey doesn’t hold back, doesn’t candy coat it.She isn’t lashing out at Will, just telling him the truth, her truth, and she knows it is the truth for many others and that it will be the truth for Jay.It hurts like a bitch to hear those words.

Will is looking at his knees, letting the words sink in and stab his heart.The last thing he wanted to do is hurt Jay more but he did exactly that.

“Do you know why he didn’t tell you Will?”

“I think I have a pretty good idea.”

“Good.Then tell him that.These conversations won’t be easy for either of you but they need to happen if you want to move forward.And talk to someone.It will be painful and Jay doesn’t necessarily need to hear all of that pain, or your anger.”

“What the fuck Hailey!I’m not mad at Jay!”

“I’m pretty sure you are and maybe your dad and it’s obvious your mad at yourself.It’s perfectly normal.You and Jay need to talk but you both need your own support system.”

Will looks at her and realizes she is speaking from experience, “I’m sorry Hailey…”

“It’s okay Will…It was a long time ago and I got help pretty much right away.I’ll be able to help Jay and for that I’m grateful.”

“You are pretty damn amazing Hailey.I’m glad Jay has you.”

She gets up off the floor.Wanting to be with her partner, more than ever now, when he wakes up.

“I’m glad I have him… You okay?Can I get you anything?Anyone?”

“I’m good…just going to sit here a bit.”

She grabs a couple of waters out of the fridge and brings one back to Will before leaving. 

“Text me if you need anything.”

“Will do Hailey, thanks.”

XXXXXXX

Hailey hears Voight call her as she walks by the waiting room.She stops at the door, not wanting to get caught up in whatever everyone is doing.She wants to get back to Jay.

“What’s up boss?”

“Wanted to update you on where we are with Dr. Halstead, then everyone is going to go home and get some rest.”

Hailey ignores the ‘everyone is going to go home…’“Did you find him?”

“He’s in Indianapolis at a medical conference. He wasn’t supposed to fly out until tomorrow but he took a red eye last night. He’s the key note speaker so he’ll be gone until, more than likely, sometime Sunday.He speaks on Saturday night and is leading a workshop on Friday.We’ve got him flagged if he boards an earlier flight or rents a car to come back early.” 

“Has he actually been seen at the conference?”

Kevin pipes up, “We’ve got him checking into the hotel attached to the conference center, the transaction and video.The conference starts tomorrow night.We’ve got eyes in, thanks to Platt’s buddy, so we’ll able to track him.”

“Great.”

“Trudy was also able to pull in a favor and get a no name warrant to check the house for trace evidence…”

“Voight, you know Jay…”

“Hailey…stop.We aren’t going to do anything with it.It’s a ‘just incase.’I want a safety net.The asshole’s not falling through the cracks.”

“Got it…let’s keep this between us though.Jay doesn’t need to know.”

They all nod their heads in agreement, “Understood.”

Voight addresses Hailey, “Has he tried to get in touch with Will?”

“Will didn’t say anything when I was talking to him, but then he was more focused on the conversation with Jay.”

“How’d that go?”

She shrugs and is noncommittal in her answer,“It’s going to be rough for them.”

Adam gives a nod, understanding she won’t share anything further.“We’ll do what we can to help.How’s Jay been?Every time I’ve peeked in there he’s either sleeping or pretending to be asleep.”

“I guess you probably answered your own question.”

“Ya, ya…”He sighs.He wants to be there for Jay but can’t if he keeps avoiding him or them.

“He knows you’re there for him Adam.He might be pretending to be asleep but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know you were there.Look guys, it’s Tuesday…I think…shit, yesterday alone felt like a year.It was just three days ago that his dad beat the shit out of him.The physical pain alone is too much, then add all the emotional to it…”

They are silent for a minute, letting everything Jay has been through, sink in again.They had gotten so lost in finding the asshole, they had buried the details of why they were looking. 

“Ya, guess you’re right.”

She gives Adam a pat on the arm and a grin she wishes was authentic, “Of course I’m right…”

That gets a bit of a chuckle out of all of them.Not that it was even that funny but they need something, anything to break up the crap cloud that is hanging over their heads.

“I’m going to go sit with him…don’t want him to be alone when he wakes up…We still gunna keep a uni at the door even though the asshole’s in Indiana?”

Voight won’t ever be able to hear the word ‘asshole’ again without thinking of Halstead senior; he would end up being the shit stick all other assholes would be measured against.

He sighs, “We’ll leave one at the nurses station for now, don’t want any surprises.”

“Got it.See you guys later.”

After Hailey leaves, they all start to pack up to go home for some much needed rest.“I don’t want to see any of you back here until tomorrow…” And reading all of their minds adds, “and you are all going _home_ now…if any of you show up at the precinct, I’ll have Platt throw you out on your ear.”

Adam turns to Kevin as they make their way out the door, “She’d do it too and thoroughly enjoy it.”

“You got that right…probably have someone film it too.

XXXXXXX

_You are a worthless little shit…pain…why are you even here…pain…I hate you…pain…you are a murderer…pain…a murderer…pain…a murderer… …ungodly pain…why are you here…pain…where is your base…pain…how many platoons…pain…tell us what we want to know and we can end the pain…where is your base…pain…where is your armory…pain…pain…pain…Dad no!_

He blinks open his eyes.Lost in the aftermath of the nightmare.He can still hear the laughter of the insurgents when he begged his dad to stop and tried to cower away from the blows, which was impossible, tied up in four point restraints.

“Jay?”

He moves his leg and discovered it wasn’t tied down, he wasn’t tied down.He curls up on his side and put his arms over his head.When no blows come, he opens his eyes… _shit._

“Hailey.”The word croaks out in nothing more than a whisper.

_I should have told them where I had stationed the army men in my room…probably would have been painful but it would have been worth it._

“Jay…you back with me?”

“Ya, ya, I’m here…”

He sounds so disappointed in himself, it breaks her heart.

“You wanna tell me where you were?”

He blows out a breath and with an edge to his voice says, “Laying on my dad’s kitchen floor in Afghanistan.”He rolls onto his back with a groan and puts an arm over his eyes.“Fuck…”

She pulls the chair closer and rests her hand on his arm, giving him an anchor.

Eventually he puts the arm down covering his eyes and stares at the ceiling, a new skill he has perfected.

“I talked to Will.”

“I know.How are you?”

“I made it worse.Made him feel more guilty.”

She laughs, which surprises him, so he gives her a side eye, “You guys are of like minds.”

He scoffs, “Figures…”

“Jay, no matter what you say, Will is going to feel guilty.With every new piece of info he gets, his guilt will increase.The important thing to remember is, this isn’t going to be fixed in one conversation.You guys are coming at this from two sides of the same story.You’ve lived with the knowledge and the physical and emotional pain of this for 22 years. For lack of a better word, Will was living in a lie.It’s going to take some work for you to get used to the fact that he knows now and for him to get used to the fact that he didn’t know then.”

He is watching her now, as she bestows the wisdom of experience on him.

“You’ll both feel guilty, you’ll both feel mad…at the situation…at your dad… at each other.But you’ll come together.You’re both strong, you’re both…Guinness book of World Records worthy in stubbornness and that will get you through this.And we’ll all be here for you…for both of you.Neither of you have to do this alone…let us be there for you.”

“Well said Detective…I hope you’re not gunning for my job?”

Hailey and Jay look to the door where Dr. Charles has his hand poised to knock. 

Hailey gives him a big smile, “Nope Doc.It’s all yours…” She cringes inwardly and decides to put herself out there a bit with the doctor, so Jay knows there is no shame in it, “…just have a bit of my own experience in this area.

This is not news to Jay, but he appreciates Hailey showing him, whatever it was that she just showed him, that seemed to lift some of the weight off his shoulders.

“I heard the last few sentences of your conversation…I didn’t mean to eaves drop, but I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

He takes a few steps forward and pats Jay’s shin.

“My door is always open if you would like to chat…you know where to find me.”

Jay gives the doctor a stoic nod even though he was honestly trying for something more friendly.He likes Dr. Charles and has no doubt he would end up talking to him but had a feeling he would be talking to Hailey more…that thought gave him comfort, he closed his eyes and let himself sink into that comfort for a moment.

Smiling as much as his battered face and split lip will let him, Jay answers in a stronger version of his raspy voice, “Thanks Doc.I’ll probably be taking you up on that…maybe Will and I could come together.”As soon as it’s out of his mouth he is afraid.No…no no no… _I can’t do this. I can’t._

Dr. Charles nods at the young man before him, having seen Jay in one sentence go from hope, to fear and despair.

“Well…” Dr. Charles pats Jay’s shin again, “until then…”

XXXXXXX

He knows it’s a stupid plan.But he has to get out of here.He’s all over the place.One minute he’s fine, the next minute he’s bawling, the next minute he’s…fuck…curled up in a ball…weak…so, so weak.He needs to go home.He just needs one thing, one fucking thing, to be normal.He sighs and rests his head against the glass, _I just want to go home._

It’s been 20 minutes now, that he’s been standing by the window, waiting for anyone to come in.He doesn’t want to look like an invalid, laying in bed, when they do but if someone doesn’t come in soon, they were going to find him on the floor and his whole case for going home will be down the toilet. 

He adjusts his grip on the IV pole and looks at his bare feet.He refuses to wear those stupid fuzzy socks, so he’s only wearing sweat pants.That may or may not work against him.He had wanted to put on a shirt, had tried to put on the t- shirt they brought him, but there was no way he was getting it on by himself, and he sure in hell wasn’t going to ask someone to help, so it lay discarded on a chair.He even thought of wearing a hospital gown with the sweats but he didn’t have one, so that option was out the window. 

He wanted to have the bruises on his body covered, so maybe they would forget about those when he asked to go home, wishful thinking, but worth the try.It was really a toss up on what would work.Hospital gown or bare torso, but he only had one option at this point, so he stood there in his sweats, his gloomy colored bruises visible to all.

Finally, fricken finally, Voight arrives.

The instant he saw Jay standing, he knew what he was up to.

“Hey kid, your up, no you’re not going home.”

No beating around the bush, how very Voight of him.Two can play that game.He needed to cut to the chase so he can get the fuck back into bed before he takes a header.

“I’m fine…better…good enough to go home…Where’s my Dad?”

“We’ve got eyes on him.He’s in Indiana at a medical conference.He’s booked on a flight back for Sunday night.”

Jay thinks on that.He wants to get out of here because he feels like a chicken shit hiding in a hospital.Granted, under normal circumstances, they probably wouldn’t have released him yet anyway, but, under normal circumstances he probably would have tried to go AMA by now. He’s also “uncomfortable” aka “a chicken shit” about being home.He doesn’t really know what to do, because really, no matter where he is being a chicken shit, he needs normal.Home seems like the only normal he has right now.

He was hoping, in their next conversation, a conversation he wanted to have at home, Will would bring up the next step regarding their Dad.He didn’t want to ask and have Will feel pressured into or guilting himself into doing something he didn’t want to do.That just planted the seed of future resentment.Not that resentment wouldn’t come; he’s sure at some point they will end up butting heads on that one.

“I talked to Ethan.He told me you asked to go home.He doesn’t think you are stable enough to be at home yet.”

Stable?What the fuck.All he can do is stand there and look at Voight.Yes, he’s still on pain meds, yes, he _sometimes_ needs help walking to the bathroom.But he no longer needed to use a urinal.So, he is stable physically.If you didn’t count the morphine pump.The only reason he is still here is because of his dad…who is out of town. 

“Emotionally stable…that’s what you’re talking about right?I am stable…physically and emotionally.I need to go home.I need to get out of my head.Staying here isn’t helping.”

He closes his eyes in frustration and grips the IV pole tighter, _Great.I just contradicted my ‘I’m stable’ argument in my own ‘I’m stable’ argument._ _God, I am all over the place.I can’t get a handle on anything._

Ethan picks that moment to come into the room.

“Jay, come on man. You need to get back in bed.”

Voight moves a little closer, Ethan right behind him, wondering how long the kid was going to keep up his, ‘I’m fine, I can go home’ act.Whoa, yep. There he goes.

They caught him as soon as he started to go down and where able get him seated on the bed.

“Christ kid…” 

He sits on the bed for a second, embarrassed and with eyes closed, trying to get his equilibrium.

“Ethan…hey, can you go ahead and discharge me?I’m ready to go home…The food here sucks…and I feel better.”

“Really Jay?You can barely stand.You got the shit beat out of you three days ago, you have a significant concussion, a bruised kidney and are basically a walking bruise.No.You’re not going home.Your brother would kill me if I discharged you.You shouldn’t even be out of bed.”

Defeated, Jay shifts his weight so he can lie down and isn’t able to stifle a barely audible groan.

“I’m not letting you out of here if you don’t take the pain meds, man.Your body won’t heal if it’s too busy fighting the pain.”

Ethan moves the morphine pump closer to the bed, pushes the button to dispense the meds then waits for Jay to lay back in the bed.But that wasn’t going to happen. 

In the back of Jay’s mind, it might have registered that they had all pushed that button for his own good, especially Ethan since he was his doctor after all, but he had had enough.Everything felt out of control and that goddamn button put him over the edge.

In a whirlwind of blind fury that catches Voight and Ethan off guard, Jay rips out his IV and pushes the pump to the floor, causing Voight and Ethan to jump back.

“QUIT PUSHING THE GODDAMN BUTTON!All of you goddammit!” 

The adrenaline kicks in, pain forgotten, he’s off the bed. “FUCK!” 

He sweeps everything off of the rolling table, his untouched dinner slamming into the wall, then upends the table onto the floor.

In 30 seconds, he destroys half the room, ignoring the pleas from Voight and Ethan to ‘calm down.’Emitting a rage filled growl, he rips the pillows and bedding off the bed in a fury.He throws a plant and flowers off the window sill, sending them into the same wall as his food.He shoves a chair across the room and picks up another, throwing it into the bathroom door where it skids out of sight, hits something and comes to a loud, abrupt stop.

Hearing the commotion, Maggie runs in, stunned at the destruction of Jay’s room. 

“Maggie, 5 of morphine!”

Maggie takes off as Hailey rushes in and stands by Voight, her question of ‘what happened?’ ignored. 

Now that Jay is running out of things to throw, Ethan moves a little closer with his hands up in a calming gesture,“Okay.I’m sorry Jay.I shouldn’t have done that you’re right. You’re right.But I need you to calm down.You’re still hurt and I don’t want you to hurt yourself further.”

Jay isn’t hearing him though.With nothing left to throw, he tries to flip the mattress off the bed but is only able to get it to slide half way off and that’s what brings him down.He lands hard on his ass with a pain filled yelp.His rage waning and frustration taking its place.Breathing heavy, he lays back on the floor, hitting it with his fist. 

They let him lay there a moment, then Ethan crouches down beside him and puts hand on his shoulder.“Breath Jay, just breath.”

Maggie hands the syringe to Ethan then stands by Hailey and Voight.Jay clasps his hands on top of his head, trying to catch his breath.“Just…fuck…just gimme a sec.”

“Jay, I need to give you some morphine…please.You’re going to have an adrenaline crash in about a minute and be in a world of hurt.”

Out of breath and in barely a whisper, Jay begs, “Just fucking discharge me Ethan.I can’t stay here anymore.Let me go home, please.”

“We’ll talk about that later, I promise.Can I give you the shot?”

Jay lays one arm over his eyes and moves the other towards Ethan, ignoring everyone.Once Ethan gets the meds on board, he gives Jay’s shoulder a squeeze.“Just lay here and let the meds do their thing while we get your bed made up.”

Three minutes later they have the bed put back together and Voight and Ethan are helping Jay to his feet and back into bed.Ethan raises the bed to 45º to ease Jay’s breathing and makes a point of raising both rails on the bed, while Jay watches everything with a drugged out detachment.

Ethan turns to Voight and Hailey, “Give me a few minutes.I’ll meet you in the waiting room.Maggie…”

Maggie steps up to the bed while Hailey and Voight exit the room. 

Jay, scowls as Ethan hooks up a nasal cannula. “Humor me…just until your levels are up.”

Jay gives a poorly executed eye roll but doesn’t fight it.

“Maggie give him five minutes then set up a drip, 3mg morphine qh.Vitals every 15.Check his oxygen in 30.If the levels are good, we’ll take him off.”

Ethan turns back to his patient when Maggie leaves to get the supplies.

“You with me Jay?”

“Ya…not going anywhere…apparently.”

“We’ll talk when you wake up about going home okay? For now I need you to sleep.I’m putting you on a continuous drip for the night.I don’t think you did any damage except upped your pain level from the movement.”

“mm..k”

“Go to sleep.I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ethan pulls up a chair and sits.He’s worries for his friend as he watches Jay’s breathing level out but he’s not quite asleep.

Jay blinks his eyes open, getting them to half mast, with what looks like a tremendous amount of effort, “Ethan…”

He gives Jays arm a squeeze, “Ya bud?”

His voice is no more than a whisper, but the desperation rings loud and clear, “Ya gotta send me home man…ya gotta send me home…”

Ethan hates that he doesn’t have the full picture,“Go to sleep Jay, I’ll get you home, I promise.”

Jay sighs and gives a barely perceptible nod and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I struggled with this chapter, but thank you so much for your patience and sticking with me! I have the next chapter outlined. Hopefully I won’t over think it, which seems to be my M.O. You guys are the best! Stay safe!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the super delay on this and thanks, thanks, thanks for sticking with me. I spend way to much time in my head trying to figure things out rather than letting the story figure out itself. I don’t think I like a lot of this chapter, but once again I had to let it fly free and hope it doesn’t run itself into a tree. Hope you like it. It was ssssuuuuuupeeeerrrr difficult to write.
> 
> And thanks to everyone who left kudos and reviews! They make my day!!!

It’s been a long couple of days.Once Ethan knows that Jay is completely out, he starts checking him for more injuries, something he didn’t want to do while he was awake.He was too stressed and Ethan knew it would be painful for him.When Maggie comes in he asks her to help him roll Jay on his side so he can check the area over his kidney.

“Looks good.No change.Once you have Jay set up, take him down for a CT.If everything checks out, we’ll discharge him tomorrow afternoon.”

“Sounds good.”

He gives Jay’s arm one last squeeze, _sorry buddy_ and shakes his head.His sadness for his friend dissipates and is replace by anger the second he leaves the room.He doesn’t know why Jay had such an extreme reaction to a doctor pushing meds.It’s done all the time when the patient isn’t dosing.Jay’s reaction was that of someone… … he sighs…he needs some answers.

Ethan strides into the waiting room and shuts the door with restraint; a huge achievement considering he would like nothing more than to slam it off the hinges.Will has joined Voight and Hailey and he can only assume they’ve told him what happened, given that it looks like he’s five seconds away from an epic melt down.

He points in the direction of Jay’s room.“I just hurt my patient, which wouldn’t have happened if I knew what the hell was going on.So one of you is going to tell me.”

Voight and Hailey both look to Will, who scrunches his eyes shut and puts his head down. 

Voight lamely tries to explain.It’s probably the first time he’s ever tried to explain his actions. But this is Jay.There’s a first for everything.

“Hailey and I also pushed the button for his pain meds.The kid was in pain…”

“It was my dad.”

Ethan jerks his head towards Will.

“My dad’s the one that beat him up.”

Ethan blows out a breath and shakes his head, “It wasn’t the first time…”

It’s a statement.No need to ask the question.Jay’s reaction says it all.

Voight and Hailey stay silent letting Will decide how much he wants to tell his co-worker.

When no one talks, Ethan jumps in again.

“It would’ve been nice to know since I’m his doctor.If I would have known, no one would have been touching that button. What happened to Jay, taking away his controlexasperated his emotional health and because of that, his physical health. So going forward, I would suggest that you let his _doctor, me,_ know what’s going on so I can treat him accordingly.Is there anything else I need to know?”

The question is met with silence.His shoulders sag and his anger ebbs, leaving room for the sadness flow back in.“Maggie’s taking him down for a CT. I want to make sure he didn’t do any damage.If that checks out okay and there’s still no blood in is urine tomorrow morning, I’ll send him home.” 

He cuts off their protests.“Jay doesn’t need to be here.He can lay in his own bed and recover just as well or probably better than he can do here.Being here is just adding on to the stress of why he’s here.” 

He sees the looks on their faces.Shit.“Unless, it’s not safe for him to go home for another reason?”

Voight sighs and keeps an eye on Will.“No.There’ll be no issues there.Halstead senior is in Indianapolis.”

Will leaves the room as the realization hits him, they think Jay is at risk.They think his dad will go after Jay.Will feels naive, borderline stupid, to think this was just dysfunctional family drama, to be resolved within the family.It never dawned on him that his dad was actually a criminal.

XXXXXXX

An hour later Will is leaning against the wall outside of Jay’s room, watching the steady rise and fall of his brother’s bruised chest.He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this sad, not even when his mom died.He loved his mom, but with her he had more time to prepare.She was sick.With her it was like the reality, the sadness, was coming out in a steady drip.With Jay, his dad, all of this, it’s the breaking of a dam and he feels like he is drowning.

He wallows in a moment of self pity and feels like he should be sitting in front of a gravestone that reads, ‘The Life Will Knew and Loved.’ 

He sees Jay start to stir and wince in his sleep, hand clenching and unclenching the blanket.He walks down to the nurses station to look at Jay’s chart, texting Ethan as he walks.

**Jay’s breaking through.** ****

**…** ****

**…** ****

**Be right up.**

Ethan finds Will in his room five minutes later, running his hand over Jay’s head.He goes directly to the morphine pump and resets the levels.“We’ll up it to 5.”Then he hangs a bag on the IV pole, connects it to an empty port and sets the dose.“I’m adding a sedative.I want him to sleep.He probably set his healing back a day or two.”

Will hasn’t even acknowledged his presence, focused solely on his brother.“Will…”

Will is released from his thoughts and looks at Ethan.

“You need anything?”

“No, I’m good.Thanks Ethan.”

Ethan squeezes Will’s shoulder, “He’s going to be out for awhile.Try to get some rest.Text me if you need anything.”

Will nods and turns back to his brother, running his hand through Jay’s hair again before Ethan is even out of the room.“I’m so sorry Jay, I’m so so sorry.”When his thoughts start to turn dark, he runs his hand through Jay’s hair again, kisses his forehead and walks out of the room.

XXXXXXX

After a few laps around the floor, Will takes up his place outside Jay’s room again, keeping an eye on his baby brother.He doesn’t know what to do about his dad...He should be in jail for what he did to Jay. _We should cut him off forever._ He doesn’t deserve to have them as sons. _He doesn’t deserve to have me as a son._ Will doesn’t think he’s better than Jay, but his dad deserves to lose something he cares about and he only cared about Will. _He shouldn’t get to have me._ His dad took so much from Jay that he’ll never get back. He took something from all of us...what would our lives be if my dad had loved Jay too. What would my life be? _I might have been closer to Jay._ Jay deserved the love an attention he got from his dad. _Jay deserved more love and attention from me!_

Despite all Jay went through, he’s an amazing person.An amazing brother, partner, friend.He is where he is today because of his past, what happened to him. _No, that’s fucking bullshit._ He might have been exactly who he is, except without the fucking pain.

His thoughts cycle back to his dad. _Dad’s an asshole, he should be in prison._ He hates these fucking thoughts and he closes his eyes to them but they slog in anyway.His dad deserves to lose him because his dad loves him. _I’m an asshole_. Because... _fuck_... because _I don’t want to lose my dad._

He loves his dad. _He is, was, is, fuck! He was my hero_ and his heart hurts knowing he’s going to lose that, lost that, but at the same time, he hates knowing what he knows now.He can’t wrap his head around it yet. His head is a merry-go-round, the ‘why I love him’ thoughts are followed by the ‘why I should hate him and want nothing to do with him,’ thoughts.

That is when a thought rolls through his head that makes him want to put his own goddamn asshole of a head through a wall, _I can hate him and be mad at him now and eventually maybe we can reconcile._

He shakes his head at his selfishness and slides down the wall to his butt, bends his knees and lets his arms dangle over them.He hates himself for these thoughts.

Hailey comes around the corner and sees Will outside Jay’s room.He’s in his head again, a place he’ll be spending a lot of time for the foreseeable future.She shakes her head and sighs.So much pain for the Halstead boys, and unfortunately, the only way out, is through. 

Will’s deep in his thoughts when she sits down and helps him hold up the wall.He startles a bit when she joins him and even though it annoys him a bit, doesn’t call her on her stealth this time, choosing to remain quiet.

To anyone else it would appear that they’re ignoring each other, but she’s watching Will with the passive intensity she watches a suspect in an interrogation.She breaks the silence when Will becomes aware of her scrutiny and fidgets in discomfort. 

“What you’re thinking right now Will, whatever it is, I can guarantee you they are normal thoughts.They don’t make you the asshole you are thinking you are.Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean its the truth…you’re still figuring stuff out, so _everything_ is going to roll through that mind of yours.”

He looks at her, mouth slightly agape, “I don’t know how you do that, but it’s a little creepy.”

“It’s my job.Sometimes it helps us get the bad guy, sometimes it helps me help the good guy.”

He gives her a minute smile…it’s all he can muster at the moment.

“Do you need anything?”

“You could put some bells on so you don’t give me a heart attack next time.”

She chuckles, “Now what fun would that be?”

She stands up and gives his shoulder a squeeze, then walks into her partners room.She stands by his bed for a moment with her hand on Jay’s shoulder **,** then sits down and holds his hand in hers.Will sees her give it a squeeze and is grateful she’s Jay’s partner.Not just for Jay, but for himself.She’s kept him from running, from falling over the edge.She’s given him hope that he and Jay can trudge through this mess together.She’s helped him move his dad to the back burner so he can focus on Jay and help get him through this, because right now he needs to not give a flying fuck about his dad and for this moment he doesn’t.

XXXXXXX

When he woke up this morning, Ethan gave him the okay to go home in the afternoon.His CT and urine test checked out, confirming he hadn’t damaged anything in his tantrum, his word not Ethan’s.Or at least not Ethan’s word out loud. 

He was only going to get to go home on the stipulation that he kept a steady regiment of pain medication. ‘Your body won’t heal as fast if it has to fight the pain.’He could do that.Was actually, more than willing to do that given how he felt.

The other stipulations where a bit more annoying.He didn’t get to be alone and he needed to have someone help him to and from the restroom and help him in the shower.As in, not help him get into the shower but help him get into the shower and then help him while he was there.Christ.Ethan and Will said this was nonnegotiable because he would, without a doubt, end up on the floor and end up right back here.Bed, bathroom, maybe couch.That would be his world for the next two or three days.He agreed to everything.He needed to get the hell out of here.Going home would be the first step in getting things back to normal.

With everything settled about his upcoming departure, Ethan wanted to sedate him for the rest of the morning and into the late afternoon.The additional healing rest would help him _get_ home without setting back his recovery more.Ethan would also give him another dose of pain meds via IV before he left the hospital.Okay, yes, to all of it, yes, if it meant he could go home.

XXXXXXX

He was on the cusp of awareness and not so sure he wanted to continue in that direction, but apparently he doesn’t have a choice.His eyes flutter open and in that brief moment he takes in the whole team and…Platt… _shit_ …sitting in various spots around the room.He closes his eyes and keeps them closed, hoping to fall back into oblivion but no such luck.

They all see him open his eyes but remained silent, waiting for him to make the first move.They’d decided early this morning, with the help of Dr. Charles, to “confront” Jay, for lack of a better word.Which basically meant, they were going to sit in his room, wait for him to wake up and let him know that they felt no different towards him.Or at least not in any negative way that Jay would probably dream up in his head.If anything they all had a greater respect and admiration for a man that they already had a lot of respect and admiration for.

For Jay to be the man that he is despite all the shit he has gone through is pretty remarkable and only speaks to his strength.So, they’ll sit here until Jay “decides” to wake up and they’ll support him in any way that he needs. 

When Jay doesn’t open his eyes again, they exchange looks and settle back to wait.

Practicing normal…fake it til ya make it.He wasn’t sure if they knew he was awake but if they did they weren’t calling him on it.He knew the discomfort would pass and truthfully, it was probably why they were all sitting there.Someone decided to rip the band-aid off and get it over with.In an hour he would more than likely appreciate that but for right now it was weird and it sucked.

_How to open my eyes and be normal.How to open my eyes and pretend nothing happened.How to open my eyes and be me.This wasn’t normal.Something did happen and who and the fuck am I now…to them?_

He felt like he couldn’t be himself.

When the weirdness eventually goes away, he realizes he would actually be more, _who he is,_ than before. A box was unlocked, smashed and unable to hold the secrets it once held. That was probably a good thing. He just wasn’t comfortable with it yet. He had wanted to fix that box, mend it, glue it, weld it so it could once again hold the pain of his past. But he wasn’t as good of a box builder as he used to be. _Maybe that was a good thing._

A voice rings out from his immediate right, way too close for comfort.

“Chuckles!‘Wake’ your lazy butt up. We know you’re not sleeping.”

The only person on the planet that is probably scarier than Voight, is Sgt. Trudy Platt, and since Platt’s version of ‘pay back is a bitch’ is unmatched, often painful or embarrassing or more than likely, a grotesque cocktail of both, you don’t defy an order from her.

_Normal…normal…_ He squints his eyes open, “Sarge.”

“It’s about time.”She moves closer and engages him in her patented stare down. 

“Some of us have jobs to do.We can’t be lazing around all day waiting for you to wake up from your beauty sleep, which you’ll have to work on, by the way, because your technique sucks.”

Her voice cracks on that last part.

She puts her hand on his shoulder and by the light squeeze and look in her eye, she’s conveyed her message.

“Will do Sarge.”

“Good. See that you do.”

On her way out of the room, she gives Adam an, ‘if looks could kill’ glare because she can never resist a chance to mess with him, exchanges smirks with Voight and leaves the room, thrusting the ball back in Jay’s court, because, of course she has.

He sucks in a breath and takes in the room again, “Guys.”

He’s greeted by everyone simultaneously, which makes him chuckle because the greeting’s are all so distinctly each person.They were Intelligence, a whacked out, out of key choir.

And then it was silent…

And continued to be silent…

Until Adam happened.“I think Platt has a crush on me.”

“Oh my God.Did you really just say that?”

“Oh Jesus Adam…”

“Bro, Bro!That ain’t right man.That ain’t right.You’re putting pictures in people’s heads that are gunna land them in the ER.”

“What I’m just saying…”

Voight leans in while the rest of them jump on Adam’s case and pats his shoulder.“I’ll drop by later tonight.”

“Okay.Thanks Sarge.”

As Voight exits, Jay lays his head back on the pillow and smiles as much as his split lip will let him, while everyone razzes Adam… _Normal…_ It would be okay.

XXXXXXX

Even though the elder Halstead was in Indiana, their motto was, ‘better to be safe that sorry.’They had covered as many bases as they could on the off chance he would try to sneak back into the city.Indianapolis was less than a 3 hour drive with good traffic, 40 minutes by plane.Rental car companies were flagged, as were Lyft and Uber.They would get an alert if the asshole tried to use any of them.

As an extra precaution, as soon as they knew Jay was being released from the hospital, they set an unmarked out front of Jay’s apartment building, one in the parking garage with a view of the back entrance and had another in the security room watching cameras. They were taking no chances.

XXXXXXX

As soon as they walk through the door, Jay makes a beeline to the couch, albeit, the

the slowest beeline in the history of the world.He was glad Ethan gave him the heavy meds before leaving the hospital.Without them he would’ve probably been on the floor of the elevator crying like a baby. 

The first thing Jay notices when he sits down, is that his apartment is clean and he has a new TV.Hailey.And more than likely Kim.He had forgotten what he had done to his apartment until he saw the TV and then it all came back to him and shame over took the feeling of relief he had from being home.He sucked in a breath to halt whatever sound his heart was going to release and leans back on the couch.Normal suddenly felt out of reach. 

Will could see the pain etched in Jay’s face and something else he couldn’t put his finger on.But the doctor side of him overrode the brother side so he focused on the pain.Jay should still be in the hospital, even though at this point, since all tests have come back in the clear, it’s just about pain management.With anyone else, that part would be easy.With Jay, it was the hardest part. 

For the next couple of days he’ll be cooperative and take his meds religiously, but by day three he’ll be fighting us on it.The important part will be keeping him as close to pain free as possible without taking over control.The loss of control would screw with Jay emotionally, so it would be a fine line they’d be walking and they would definitely be tripping over it.

Will hands him a bottle of water and his pain pill and sits by him on the couch.

“Half dose. If you need more you can take another one.”

Jay takes them, ignoring the tremble in his hands, grateful Will is getting how he wants to work his pain meds, and grateful Will is pretending not to notice how his hands shake.He sighs, it is good to be home. He really needs to get the hell off the emotional rollercoaster he’s been on.Here he can do that…he hopes… _fake it til ya make it._ He looks at the TV again…ya, _fake it til ya make i_ t…that was going to be harder than he thought.

“Jay..”

Lost in his own thoughts, Jay startles when Will speaks.

“Shit sorry.Um hey, look, I’m not sure if you’re ready to talk about this yet and if you’re not just let me know and we’ll revisit it when you’re ready.”

Jay looks a little leery. Afraid of what’s coming but nods his head.

“I’m not sure if there’s some kind of legal time table of when we need to do this...but I think we need to figure out what to do about dad.”

Jay’s whole body tenses. He wanted to have this conversation, and wanted Will to initiate it, but now that it was hanging in the space between them… _breathe…_

“I just want you to know that whatever you want to do I’ll back you 110%.”

He takes a breath then rushes on, not able to gage Jay’s reaction. 

“Dad deserves to be in jail for what he did to you. I don’t want you to make any decisions based on what you think I want or what I might think. For once in your life I want you to do what’s right for you.And whatever that is, we’ll get through it together.”

… _breathe…_ Jay takes in the information, a little stunned by Will’s words. His heart is soaring that Will is backing him, while at the same time breaking for all that Will has lost and Will lose… _breathe…_

“We’ll?”

“Yes. ‘We’ll.’ Together. We’ll get through it together. If you decide you don’t want to press charges, I just want you to know that I am cutting dad out of my life. If he has a hard time with that, I’ll get a restraining order if I have to. But I want you to know I am in your corner, will always be in your corner.”

… _breathe…_ Jay just nods his head. He’s a little overwhelmed at the moment. He blinks away tears that he didn’t know were ready to spill.

He releases a long breath and clears his throat, not sure what to say… _breathe…_

“I don’t know.Thanks Will.I don’t know right now.I’m a little overwhelmed with all of it….let’s sit on it for now.”

“Whatever you need.”

Jay leans back against the couch and stares at the ceiling.

A moment of silence turns into minutes.

Finally, Jay closes the door on that conversation and opens the door on a much desired shower.He complains when he can’t negotiate Will into letting him do it by himself, so with Will’s help, they shuffle in slow motion to the bathroom.

When they get to the bedroom, Jay once again is reminded of how he had left it.The shame is so overwhelming it stops him in his tracks.

“Hey, you okay?Need to sit down?”

“No, no…I’m good.”

He takes another step then stops again.

“Jay?”

Jay ignores him.He can’t take his eyes off the small piece of mirror on his nightstand and his army guy that protects it… _Hailey…_ He can’t help it and a small sob escapes.

“Jay?”

Will follows Jay’s line of sight and sees the army guy on the nightstand.Tears instantly fill his eyes.He doesn’t know the purpose of the mirror but he understands the purpose of the army guy.It takes everything in his power to not wrap Jay in an overprotective hug and never let go.After all these years, an army guy still watches over Jay as he sleeps and that just breaks his heart for his little brother all over again.

XXXXXXX

When they finally make it to the bathroom, Jay sees the lack of a mirror above vanity and the burn of shame once again courses through his heart.

Will, who is oblivious to the shame that has been rolling through Jay in waves since they got home, updates him on the status of the mirror when he sees Jay glance at the empty space.

“Hailey said a new mirror should be here in a couple of days.”

Jay doesn’t really have anything to say to that and the fact that Will doesn’t ask what happened to it, says loud and clear he knows exactly what happened to it.He sighs and lets it go for now and takes a seat on the toilet lid.

“Need any help getting undressed?”

“No I’m good. Thanks Will.”

He stands in the hall and waits for Jay to call for help getting in the shower. When five minutes go by and he doesn’t, he knocks on the door.

“Jay, you good?”

“Ya. I’m good,” but Will can hear the dejection in his voice.

Will opens the door and sees Jay sitting on the toilet seat still wearing all his clothes. He had gotten as far as unzipping the hoody but is still clutching it tightly to his body.

“Need help?”

Jay lets out what could only be considered a harrumph, “Shit…ya.”

Will kind of smirks. “Ya, you’re good alright.”

That elicits a brief smile from Jay.“Christ I’m sore. I feel like I ran a marathon then got hit by a mack truck when I crossed the finish line.”

“You’ll feel better after a shower.”

It’s a slow process but they eventually get Jay’s clothes off him.Will gets the shower going while Jay, wrapped in a towel, sits there a moment and rests before he takes on the arduous task of relaxing under hot water.

One of the stipulations for going home had been that Will would stay with him while he showers but to Jay’s surprise, Will caves.It’s been nothing but a whirling dervish of emotions since they walked in the door and he knows Jay needs a few minutes to regroup.

“I’ll be right out here. Let me know if you need anything and call me if you need help, _before_ you end up on your ass, not after.” 

Jay doesn’t answer. He’s in his own world, already standing under the hot water, head resting on his arms as he leans against the tiles.

Will sits down outside the partially opened door in case Jay needs him.It was painful to get Jay undressed. Physically for Jay and emotionally probably for both of them. Jay hates having to ask for help and for Will it killed him to see all of Jay’s bruises in full bloom. There are bruises all over his chest and back. His right side saw the brunt of his dads fists and feet. He’s got bruises littering his right side, front and back, from his shoulder to his knee. The area over his right kidney, hip and butt are are the darkest. He wonders how Jay is even able to stand.

25 minutes later Jay exits the shower with a groan, so Will peeks his head in, “You okay?”

He tucks the towel around his waist and starts out the door, “Ya I’m good. That was a good groan not a bad groan.”

Jay walks a little easier and sits down on the bed.“God, I needed that.I could have been out of there yesterday if you guys had hot showers as part of my treatment plan.”

“Ya, no.Need help getting dressed?” 

“I think I got it this time.”

“Ok. I’m getting snacks, and a beer.”

He sees the look on Jay’s face, “…for me. You can have water or pop."

Jay rolls his eyes. “I’ll have water.”

He sits on the bed and smiles when he looks at his nightstand.Hailey’s kindness and empathy are no surprise but the way she sees right through his bullshit and breaks through his walls to who he truly is, still catches him off guard sometimes.And although there were times it annoyed the hell out of him, he has never been as grateful for her insight as he is right now.

He looks at the equivalent of a day of parkour sitting on his bed; his clothes.He disregards the t-shirt since he would definitely need help with it, socks-waste of energy, and lastly, he contemplates the boxer briefs and sweatpants. It all seems like too much work but he can’t exactly go around naked.

He doesn’t want Will to help him again.Once was too many times.He laughs when an idea strikes him and proceeds to put the boxer briefs inside the sweats and lines them up so he can pull them on at the same time. Very proud of his accomplishment and how he achieved it, he rests a few moments then ambles into the living room.

Hailey shows up an hour later to find the Halstead brothers asleep on the couch.If Jay didn’t look so terrible with his bruised face and chest, she would have taken a picture.Will is sitting back, snoring, with his feet crossed on the coffee table and from the looks of it, Jay tipped over at some point onto his brother’s lap and is fast asleep.

XXXXXXX

He woke up a half hour ago to find himself smack dab in the middle of the ‘normal’ he’d been craving.He was sprawled on the couch, Will had gotten called in to work, Hailey sat on the other end of the couch sipping a beer and they were in an argument.

_Normal. Normal. Normal._

“Jay…”

“Hailey, come on, I’m starving.It’s two blocks away.You’ve got three plainclothes watching my apartment and he’s not even in the city.I’ll be fine for the 10 or 15 minutes your gone.

“Ugh…Halstead…”

See, _normal._

She calls Voight.“We still got eyes on the doctor?”

_“Last check in he was still in the meeting.”_

“I’m going down the block to get Jay some food.I’ll let Platt’s guys know on my way out.”

_“Text me when you get back.”_

“Copy that.”

“Okay big baby, you get your way.I’ll be back in a few.Don’t answer the door.”

“Great.Thank you.”He lays back on the couch and takes a steadying breath.

“Oh and no tofu!That wasn’t funny! This is no time for food jokes.” 

“That was one time Jay and it was funny but okay, no food jokes.”

XXXXXX

When Dr Patrick Halstead went after his youngest son for destroying his life or more specifically the relationship with his “real” son it was truthfully a surprise to everyone even with all of the safety measures they put in as a ‘just in case.’

First, the asshole had no idea if charges would be filed against him. They thought, more than likely, Halstead senior would let it lie and see what happened or talk to Will and take the temperature of the situation.If no charges were filed, he would be free to convince Will that Jay was lying. Second, he was supposed to be in Indianapolis.

So when Dr. Pat Halstead showed up unexpectedly at his door, Jay was stunned to say the least, though not quite as stunned as when the right hook landed on his cheek. He stumbled and fell back, his sore side hitting the table in the entry way, breaking it as he continued his decent to the ground.

Stunned and trying to pull air into his lungs, Jay landed on the floor with a sense of déjà vu but this time there would be no Mouse to save him.Mouse was thousand’s of miles away.

Dr. Halstead looked at the being on the floor with disgust.Adrenaline pumps through his veins, partly for the beating he was about to met out but also because of the look on the little shit’s face when he hit the floor and stared up at him.He knew that look and it was satisfying. 

The brat got as far as rolling onto his side before he delivered a hard kick to his ribs, hard enough to lift him off the ground.The grunt of pain and forced exhalation of breath just spurred him on more.He delivered another blow to the ribs that threw the brat against the base of the wall.

This time proof of the pain escapes Jay’s lips, “Ahhhhhhgg.”

That’s what he was looking for.

He continues the physical and verbal beatdown of his son, punctuating his diatribe with kicks to various places on the brat’s body.No matter where Jay moves, he can’t escape the blows.All he can do is try to cover his head.

“You fucking little shit!” _…kick…_ “You think you can destroy _my_ life.” _…kick…_ “You think you can get away with what you’ve done?” _…kick…_ “No.” _…kick…kick…_ “Will loves me.” _…kick…_ “He thinks you’re as worthless as I do.” _…kick…_ “He’s a doctor.He saves people…” _…kick…_ “…you murder them.” _…kick…_ He puts his hands on his hips a moment to take in his handiwork and watches his “son” writhe on the floor in pain, blood on his chin from the reopened split lip. “You think Will doesn’t know that.” _He nudges Jay’s hip with his foot, forcing him onto his back._ “Will…he’ll come around.” _Kick…kick…_ “He’ll believe me.” _…kick…kick_

For a second Jay believes it, believes all of it.

The asshole saw the pain land on the little shit's face, the familiar despair that took it over anytime he laid into him.It was gratifying and the little shit deserved it.It was probably more satisfying than the physical hurt he put on him…

The emotional pain and physical pain are at war in his body.He groans and for a second Jay believes all is lost…but only for a second… _NO!_

…but now, now the despair slips off the little shit’s face and something he’s never seen before, defiance… rage, takes its place.It scares him and pisses him off at the same time.How dare he.With a roar, Dr. Patrick Halstead threw a punch that would send the fucking little shit to oblivion…

…but Jay reacted and blocked the punch, grabbed his dad’s wrist and pulled him down to his knees.Adrenaline is a two way street.In a move he had learned in basic, perfected in the Rangers and used many times while on the force to subdue suspects, Jay went from defense to offense.With a turn of his hand, Jay broke his dad’s wrist and followed that up with a punch to his jaw. 

It surprised him to be on the offensive and in that moment of surprise he was on the defense again. 

His dad clutched his injured arm to his side but that didn’t stop him from striking out with his left hand and landing a blow to Jay’s temple, hard enough to send him sprawling onto his stomach.Jay tired to rise.He was trained for this, trained in hand to hand combat, but because of the previous injuries, the pain meds and his damaged psyche when it came to his dad, he couldn’t get the upper hand. 

The blow to his temple rang his bell.He was using his energy to remain conscious, which left little room to defend, let alone fight back.When his dad grabbed the hair on the back of his head, he knew what was coming but before he could react, his dad slammed his head into the floor, stunning him and splitting the skin at his hairline, releasing a stream of blood down his face.

“F…f…uck.”

He rolled onto his back breathing heavily, and willed the cobwebs out of his head.No…this isn’t happening…fucking no…not again.

Dr. Halstead sat back on his heels, cradled his injured arm and cursed the piece of shit next to him.He watched as the shit’s eyes flutter and close, and the look of defeat relaxes from his face when his entire body goes limp.

He sat there for a moment, breathing heavily, watching the rise and fall of the brat’s bruised and bloody chest.He hadn’t thought this far ahead.He had let his rage guide him here, then he sat on it as he snuck into the apartment building and waited for them to bring the little shit home.He laughed at the thought that they had placed guards to protect the brat on the outside of the building, when he was already sitting in the empty apartment two doors down.

He knew he did some serious damage and at this point, he could leave and it would be blamed on an intruder.But then arandom thought enters his head, one word, … _Will…_ the thought of his son brings the blind rage back in an instant.

He leaned back over the brat’s body and grabbed the bloody hair with his good hand squeezing it to get a good grip… _Will…_

His dad grabbing his hair was Jay’s cue to quit playing possum.With all the strength he could muster, he struck out with his right hand and threw a fist into his dad’s throat, sending him to his back, gasping for breath.He was not above fighting dirty and it felt appropriate against his dad. 

He struggled onto his knees and pushed his dad’s shoulder back as he tried to sit up.

“Stay down,” he breathed out.

Again his dad tried to get up and grab for him.

Jay grabbed his dad’s hair and banged his head onto the floor, stunning him.

“I said stay down, asshole.”

He sat back on his feet and hoped the world would stop spinning but no such luck.He looked at his dad laying, hopefully, unconscious on his floor and felt nothing.Nothing except tired.But then he felt the tears drip off his face and sighed, not sure what part of this fucked up situation he was crying over.He wiped them away and caught a glimpse of the red on his hand.It wasn’t tears.He wasn’t crying, it was blood.He touched his head and again looked at his hand,

“Oh…”

He didn’t feel himself hit the ground but found himself there sometime later staring up at Hailey’s face.

“Jay, Jay!Stay with me.” 

She frantically runs her hands along his chest and belly,“Where are you hurt?”

He tries to catch his breath and figure out which of the three Hailey’s leaning over him he should talk to but closes his eyes instead and laughs.

The laugh worries her and she puts her hands on the side of his face to help him focus.

“Jay, where are you hurt?”

He opens his eyes and grimaces, then gives the Hailey triplets a bloody grin. “Three blows to the head, none to the heart,” then promptly passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it. I had a lot of fun writing the beat down. A chapter or two left to go…probably…  
> Thanks again for sticking with me you lovely people! Stay safe and don’t let anyone breathe on ya!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when we were little and I said in my A/N for chapter 2 there were only 1 or 2 chapters to go? LoL I guess I have absolutely NO control over my muse. Oh well. What can ya do. Thanks for sticking with me you lovely people. I appreciate your support. I love this story, love writing it but it does get the better of me. The thing could be 30 chapters long with all the stuff that comes into my noggin while I write and at times it is hard to weed through.
> 
> This is a pretty short chapter. I was having a hard time with the second half so thought I would post this as a chapter since there was kind of a natural break.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and your reviews and your all around awesomeness
> 
> Hope you like it.

**_Previously on that chapter I posted a million years ago:_ **

_He didn’t feel himself hit the ground but found himself there sometime later staring up at Hailey’s face._

_“Jay, Jay!Stay with me.”_

_She frantically runs her hands along his chest and belly,“Where are you hurt?”_

_He tries to catch his breath and figure out which of the three Hailey’s leaning over him he should talk to but closes his eyes instead and laughs._

_The laugh worries her and she puts her hands on the side of his face to help him focus._

_“Jay, where are you hurt?”_

_He opens his eyes and grimaces, then gives the Hailey triplets a bloody grin. “Three blows to the head, none to the heart,” then promptly passes out._

XXXXXXX

She grabs the hoody off the back of the couch and presses it against the gash at his hair line. 

“Hey you…Jay… can’t go to sleep…ugh…dammit Jay.”She checks his pulse and even though his respirations are shallow, moves away from him to take care of some business.

She slides over on her knees and leans over the asshole, roughly pulling both arms behind his back.He cries out in pain when she grabs his broken wrist and again when she puts the cuffs on him.

“Shut it, asshole.”

He then either passes out or dies but she can’t be bothered to find out which.She leaves him in the uncomfortable position of being cuffed on his stomach and goes back to her partner.

She pulls out her phone and tries to wake Jay one more time, putting her hand on his cheek, then moving it to his shoulder.

“Jay!”

He doesn’t stir but while she’s waiting for the line to connect, the asshole wakes up…not dead _._ He looks at his son and smirks.Letting a chuckle escape his bloody lips.

She found a better use for the hand on Jay’s shoulder and pulls her gun, pressing it against the asshole’s forehead as the line connects,“Fuck you asshole.”

_“Hailey?”_

“Sorry boss.Not you.”She pushes her gun harder into the assholes forehead and pulls it away, growling because she can’t shoot him.

_“Hailey!”_

“I need you at Jay’s.The asshole showed up.Gunna need two ambos.”

_“Bad?”_

“Not sure.They’re both pretty much out.”

_“Be there in 10.”_

She hangs up the phone and holsters her gun and keeping one eye on the asshole, leans over Jay.He’s a mess.His face and chest are covered in blood from the cut on his head.There is blood soaking through the bandages on his arm, indicating he’s probably popped stitches.His lip is split open and the cut on his cheek is bigger and bleeding but at least all three cuts are starting to clot.The asshole really did a number on him.She can see every place Jay’s been kicked, as big angry splotches of red make up a tapestry of colors along side the older bruises.Arms, chest, belly, there’s not an area on Jay’s torso that is free of contusions.

Hailey feels a particularly dark area on Jay’s right side.She’s not sure but thinks she feels some rigidity, which means internal bleeding.

“Goddammit…”

Jay opens his eyes and groggily looks up at Hailey.

“There’s three of you.”

She smiles, glad he’s awake again.He tries to sit up and when she stops him, eases himself back down to the floor and groans as the adrenaline starts to seep from his body. 

“You said that already…Stay still.”

Now that he’s more awake, it’s obvious he’s in a tremendous amount of pain.

He looks over at his dad, cuffed and unconscious on the floor.

He breathes out, “Did I kill my dad?”

“No.It’s okay…” She brushes her fingers lightly over his hair, “He’s not dead, just unconscious.I need to know where else you’re hurt.I know he kicked you…how’s your head?He hit you hit three times?

His speech is slurred and breathy, like he’s not breathing deep enough.

“Technically… … … he… hit me twice… …and the floor hit me once.”

She rolls her eyes and stops him again when he tries to move.

“Jay, ya gotta stay still.I don’t know where else you’re hurt.”

He sucks in a breath and groans.“My back…I need to roll on my side.”

“Jay…”

He clenches his jaw, then barely gets out a whispered, “Please.”

She helps him roll onto his side and he groans again from the movement. 

He scrunches his eyes shut, “No…no…no…aghhhh.”

“Okay okay okay…do you want to roll onto your back again?

He’s panting and the pain is written all over his face.His answer comes out in a number of exhales.“No…n…gm a sec…”

“Just breathe, breathe through it.Helps on the way.”

He sags against her hand on his shoulder and passes out, “Shit, Jay…” just as one of the plainclothes officers runs through the door and takes in the scene.

“What the hell?How’d he get in?We’ve had eyes on since this morning.”

“Not sure.I have a feeling he was already inside the building before you were in place, maybe even since yesterday.Go down to the lobby and bring the medics up when they get here. Voight’s on the way.”

“Will do.”

“Jay…”

His eyes flutter open and he winces. 

“Hailey…”

He looks around like he is trying to figure out what happened until he lays eyes on his dad and it all comes back.He squeezes his eyes shut as he rides out a wave of pain.

“Hailey…”

He looks like he’s in excruciating pain and she hates that she can’t do anything to help him.“Ambos on the way.Just hold on okay.”

“Did I kill him?Are you sure I didn’t?”

“I’m sure Jay.You didn’t.”

He nods, closes his eyes again and sucks in a breath as he winces.She can tell he is barely holding on to consciousness.She runs her hand over his head again, then leans down to look into his face.“Just stay still.”

He opens his eyes half mast and looks at her.She tilts her head to the side and looks into his eyes, aching to take his pain away.

“Hailey…”

“Shhh.It’s okay. Hold on partner.Helps coming.”

He gives her what could almost qualify as a nod before his eyes roll back and he is out.

“Dammit.” 

She blows out a frustrated breath and leans over him to look at his back, feeling helpless sitting here doing nothing.

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

She can’t help herself and turns back to the asshole and punches him as hard as she can in the kidney…Then punches him again.

“Hailey!”

She looks up as Voight is coming in the door.

Her face is tight with anger but tears are rolling down her face.

“Look at his back boss!Look at Jay’s fucking back!”She can’t help it.She punches the asshole again.

“Hailey…stop.”

Voight steps around her and looks at Jay’s back.In addition to the dark bruises Jay already had, his back is littered with dark red contusions, that soon enough would be as black as the other bruises.He clenches his jaw and would like nothing more than to beat the asshole within an inch of his life, then beat him again.

He gets on the radio. “I need the status of those ambos, NOW!”

_“They’re pulling up.”_

“They’re here.Has he come to at all?”

“Briefly.He wanted to roll on to his side.I can see why now.”

Voight moves back around to the other side of Jay and crouches down ass to heels.He puts a hand on the side of Jay’s face and leans over, “Halstead…come on. I need you to wake up.Come on kid.Open your eyes.”

Jay’s face scrunches up but then he opens his eyes.

“Boss…”

“You’re going to be okay kid…”

“Boss, did I kill my dad?”

Hailey scrunches her eyes shut, “Shit…”

“What?”

“That’s the third time he’s asked that.”

Jay groans and starts to roll over onto his back.Voight and Hailey help ease him back.

“Just lay back.Helps coming.”

“Where’s…Will? … … Is he…okay?”

He tries to get up again.But is stopped by a hand on the shoulder from Voight. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open and his breath sounds more labored.

“Just stay down kid…stay down.”

“Okay…”He mumbles something else then passes out.

“What did he say?”

“Not sure.I think he asked for Will again.”

Sylvie and Emily arrive then, followed by two paramedics they don’t know.The two unknowns go to work on Dr. Halstead while Sylvie and Emily take Jay.

“Can you uncuff him?”

Voight growls.The last thing he wants to do is uncuff the bastard but does it anyway, then orders the uni that came up with the medics to keep an eye on him.

“Oh jeez, Jay, what the hell happened?”

“Fight… this is Jay’s place.He…” Voight lifts his chin towards the asshole, “broke in.”

“Has he been conscious?”

“On and off.He’s been confused.Asking the same question multiple times but not remembering the answer.He said he got hit in the head three times.”

Sylvie continues her assessment while Emily takes in all of the information Hailey is providing.

“His left side…”

“Looks like he might have a slow bleed given the amount of rigidity.Anything else you can tell us?”

“His back looks like hell.He had a concussion a couple of days ago.The darker bruises are from then…Saturday.”

“Okay…line in.Let’s roll him so we can take a look and get him on the back board.”

The paramedics with Hailey and Voight’s help roll Jay onto his side, which elicits a groan out of Jay.

“Sorry, Jay, sorry…almost done…I just need to look at your back.He groans again while Sylvie takes a look at Jay’s back. “Shit…” She can’t help the expletive that escapes.“Okay, let’s go.One of you coming with?”

“Hailey will come with you.I’ll be right behind you.”

As soon as they get Jay on the gurney and out of the apartment, Voight addresses the other medics while they load up the asshole onto the gurney. 

“How’s he doing?He gunna live?”

“He’ll be fine.Broken wrist and more than likely a concussion.”

Voight points to the uni.“Ride with them.If he gives them any trouble cuff him.I don’tgive a rats ass about his wrist.”

XXXXXXX

The first time she calls it goes to voicemail.She’s about to call again when he calls her.

“Hey Will.”

“Hey. You guys get settled in?”

“Will.”

He can tell by the tone of her voice that something happened.

“Hailey what’s up?”

“Will we are on our way in. Jay’s hurt.”

“What what happened?”

She sighs, hating to tell him this.“Will your dad…he attacked Jay in the apartment."

“No wait…what? Are you sure?I thought he was in Indianapolis.”

“Somehow he came back without us knowing. We’re about 5 minutes out.”

“How bad is he? What happened?”

“Looks like Jay opened the door, probably thought it me or you. They got in a fight.I’m not sure how he is. He’s unconscious. He was still conscious when I got there though.”

There is silence on the line.“Are you sure it was my dad?”

"Will...we’re bringing your dad in too. He’s hurt. I don’t know how bad but he’s conscious.”

“Will…"

“Ok. Ya. Okay ah thanks…you riding with Jay?”

“Ya. I’m with him. See you in a few.”

XXXXXXX

Both ambulances arrive at about the same time.Dr. Halstead is being wheeled in first yelling for his son; following close behind, a barely conscious Jay, with Hailey and Voight right behind.

“Will!WILL!”

Will has no time to give his dad nor does he want to acknowledge his existence. He rushes right by his gurney to Jay.

Jay heard his dad call out to Will. Through blurry eyes he saw Will barreling towards them and for just a moment his heart felt that familiar ache thinking Will was going to their dad, but when Will ignored the gurney carrying their dad and came straight to him, his heart ticked up a beat. Will at his side was a salve on years of emotional wounds, ripped open once again by his dad’s most recent attack.

‘I’m good.’ He wanted to say to the crowd and then get off the gurney because everything felt right with the world. Then the gurney hit the small bump between the common area of the ER and the bay they rolled him into and everything that had felt right, was gone in a flash as his body was jarred, and all encompassing scream left his lips and he plunged into darkness. 

Jay’s scream puts them all into an almost frantic high gear and brings Voight and Hailey to a jarring stop.Will continues to ignore his dad while they get Jay settled in a room.

Ethan rushes in with Maggie right behind, while Natalie and April go to Halstead senior.

Maggie works on cutting off Jay’s clothes, while Ethan checks his eyes, “Oh man Jay…Will, what happened?”

“My dad went to his apartment and attacked him.”

“By the looks of Dr. Halstead, Jay gave as good as he got.”

“Ya, almost, I don’t know.”

Dr. Halstead’s angry voice is booming throughout the ER.

“Will, WILL!Get in here! I want to press charges. I went to talk to him and he attacked me. I had to fight back.” 

Voight walks calmly into the room and looms over the asshole.

“Why don’t you tell that to the judge,” and like a magic trick the asshole finds himself cuffed to the rail of the bed. 

Voight gets in his face and gives him an evil grin.“You and me…we’re gunna have a little talk later.”He gestures to the uni, “do not leave his side,” then walks to Jay’s room and stands by Hailey looking in through the glass.He’s relieved to see Jay is conscious again.

The old man was still screaming.“Will!WILL!”

Frustrated beyond belief with his dad, Will rushed from the room.Watching Will disappear and go to his dad was what ultimately undid Jay.The physical pain coursing through his body had been overriding any emotional pain he should be feeling, but as soon as Will left, it all came to the forefront.He was a mess, unaware of the tears rolling down his cheeks.

For a brief time he thought he had his brother but their dad had always had the stronger pull on Will than he did.In his head he was screaming for Will, begging him to come back but on the outside he said nothing.

The physical pain was now 10+ and he couldn’t stop moving to get away from it.He felt Ethan’s hand on his shoulder and heard him speaking but it might as well been in a different language.

“Stay still Jay, I need you to calm down.Take a breath, breath through it.We’ll get some meds on board soon. I promise.”

The sliding door to the next room slammed shut, muting his dad.When Will comes in a moment later, shoves the door closed and curses their dad, Jay thought he was hallucinating.Will sees what’s going on the second he looks at Jay and rushes to the bed. _Shit._

“Hey, hey, I’m right here.Not going anywhere.I promise you Jay, I’m not leaving you.I just couldn’t stand hearing his voice.”

Jay blinks his eyes closed, “k…”

“We gotta check you out now bud.See how bad you’re hurt.”

Ethan checks Jay’s pupils, causing him to groan.

“Definitely exasperated your concussion.We can give him 5, Maggie…”

Will is just about to speak when Ethan pats his arm, “We’ll do a CT.”

Maggie gets the meds on board and Will nods in relief.Jay doesn’t say anything but his body relaxes.He is barely conscious, mostly unaware of what they are doing.Will stands by the head of the bed with one hand on his shoulder and the other brushing through his hair.

Jay is laying on the bed like a rag doll letting them move him however they need.Only with the catheter did Jay have a reaction but that was just in the form of a slurred, ‘what?,’ and ‘shit,’ and a weak groan.

As soon as that was done, Jay went back to being a silent rag doll.Eyes fluttering occasionally but for the most part out of it.

“Dammit!!”

Will looks at the drainage bag and scrubs his face in fear and frustration.

They roll Jay and the area over this right kidney is bruised and rigid.When they roll him back, Jay to arches his back and calls out for Will before passing out.

“Jay!”

Ethan and Maggie quickly unlock the wheels on the bed and start rolling it out the door.

“That’s a lot of blood.Hopefully it’s just a bleed and not a rupture.Maggie call OR and let them know we’re coming up.Page Marcel.”

A second later, Jay’s out of the room and on his way to surgery.Will’s dad sees him by Jay’s bed and starts to yell for him again, “Will!He attacked me!I was just defending myself.”

Will doesn’t acknowledge his dad, doesn’t even hear his words, as he helps move Jay to surgery, anxiously hoping and praying his dad didn’t just kill his little brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me guys! I soooooo appreciate it! Stay safe, vote, your voice matters and every vote counts!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! Will you look at that, a chapter! With everything going on, I’ve been trying to use writing as a distraction but I was distracted by what I was trying to be distracted from. Thanks so much for your patience guys and sticking with me. This was a hard chapter to write. It’s mostly narrative with not a lot of dialogue, but that’s how it wanted to come out so I had no choice but to set it free and see where it went. I think there is just the epilogue thingy to come after this. Gunna wrap everything up in a tattered, messy bow.

They had figured out while Jay was in surgery how the asshole slipped by them. Getting out of the conference room unseen was easy, he slipped out through the door the staff used when serving meals.The door led to the back of house, kitchen, dishwashing, etc. He went in the room for the morning session and as far as anyone knew, didn’t come out.The cops watching him were at the best sloppy and could have cost Jay his life.

How he got into the empty apartment to wait for Jay to get home, or even knew about it, they were still trying to lock down.But given the layout and slack in how the management office was run, he could have snuck in there easily and got keys. Pretty shoddy setup. Fact is, he got in and he nearly killed Jay.

Dr. Halstead had got to Chicago by one of the few ways they were unable to really track.He paid someone to call him an Uber to downtown Indianapolis, but once he was in the car, he paid the driver $500 cash to bring him to Chicago.

The asshole had worked it all out but whether it was planned or compulsion, and he figured it out on the fly, they probably wouldn’t ever know. The rest of the particulars could be sorted out later. The damage was done.

All of them were feeling guilty. They thought they had all angles covered but on this side of it, they could see all the holes the asshole could have slipped through.No matter what they had done, the asshole would have found a way, so they would have to work through their guilt on their own. If Jay would just wake up it would probably take the edge off it but the stubborn bastard was making them wait.

Then again, Jay’s injuries turned out to be pretty severe, so they would more than likely be waiting a while.They had to go in and stop a bleed in his right kidney and a more significant bleed in his liver. Luckily they were able to do it laparoscopically, so the healing from the surgery itself wouldn’t be as significant than if they would have had to cut him open.His liver and kidney would heal up with no permanent damage.

It was the brain bleed that had everyone worried. There was no need for surgery at this point. Their hope was it would resolve on its own.But they needed him to wake up to see if there would be any lasting issues from the two significant head traumas just days apart.

The problem with him waking up is that they wouldn’t be able to give him more pain meds until after they did the neurological exam. It should/could take less than a minute and that’s what they were hoping for.More pain, even for a minute, was the last thing they wanted to see after witnessing all the pain he had been in the last two weeks, physically and emotionally.

The rest of his injuries weren’t as significant or at least not life threatening. His body was an absolute mess. He had ripped the stitches in his arm.The kicks to his torso caused bone deep bruising. He would be colorful for awhile.Two broken ribs, three cracked and most of the others bruised to some degree. He would have to be diligent with his pain meds when he wakes up, he couldn’t fight Ethan or anyone for that matter, on taking them this time.He needed to breath deeply so he didn’t get pneumonia and painful ribs wouldn’t make that possible. But at least his oxygen levels were better.He spent the first two days in the ICU with an oxygen mask.When they moved him to a regular room he had graduated to a cannula.Somehow the cannula made everything seem less dire and they all needed less dire, because he looked terrible.

The most disturbing thing was the almost constant tremble in his body.That was explained in medical terms and then simplified for their tired brains to; ‘his body has been through a lot.’Ethan said it would lessen in a day or two as he heals.It was painful to watch Jay go through that even if he was so drugged out he probably couldn’t feel it.

We couldn’t see most of his bruises but we knew they were there and based on the bruising of his face, and the dark purple bruising on his arms and the part of his chest we could see, we knew they were bad.His face looked terrible between the stitches on his cheek and brow and the big gash at his hair line.Two black eyes-one worse than the other, a cut across the bridge of his nose, bruised and scraped jaw, split lips, he looked like hell.The bruising around his neck wasn’t quite as bad but it was still there and dark enough to paint a picture what happened.The only bruising that didn’t really bother them was the bruising across the knuckles of both hands.He fought back.

They had been rotating in and out of his room, making sure Jay was never alone, that most of the time, two of them were in the room with him. More often than not there were four of five of them, since Voight, Hailey and Will were frequent flyers.

The day after Jay was brought in, Voight and Hailey were keeping vigil by his bed.Will was just walking into the room when he got a phone call, and by his reaction, it wasn’t a good one.

“Jesus!”

Hailey and Voight look at him in expectation. The expression on his face started as anger, went to sadness, and when it turned on a dime and went to rage, Will stormed out of the room.

Hailey looks at Voight, “What the hell was that?”

She found Will halfway down the hall with his forehead pressed against the wall and his fists clenched at his side. She sighed. She had a good idea who the call was from.

Hailey cleared her throat halfway to him. She seemed to have a knack for unintentionally startling him and she didn’t want to do it again.

“Will?”

She leaned against the wall next to him and after a moment, he straightened up and leaned with her, both staring at the godawful picture across from them.

He grinds the heels of his hands into his eyes. _Everything was so fucked up. This is so fucked up._

“That was my dad.”He shakes his head in disbelief. “Calling collect from jail.I guess I was his one phone call.”

Hailey starts to speak but he interrupts her with a harsh laugh. “That was a wasted call. Guess he’s stuck.“

“They’ll give him another. If he wastes that one they’ll give him a public defender, who’ll then get in touch with his lawyer.”

“Hmph...what’s weird is I kind of...”

When his phone rings again, he rejects the call without a thought.

He finishes what he was saying. “What’s weird is I kind of don’t care.Let him figure it out and leave me out of it.”

She knows he has more to say so she stays quiet.

He grinds the heels into his eyes again and growls in frustration.“Shit!”

He pushes off the wall, paces back and forth a bit, then looks at her like he’s afraid to say his thoughts out loud.

“Dammit…uhhhh! I feel guilty.”

She smiles in understanding. “I feel bad for not taking his call... and then a second later I feel bad for feeling that after what he did to Jay and I’m angry at myself that I would even feel guilt. The asshole doesn’t deserve it.”

He looks at his shoes and shakes his head.

When he speaks again, his voice is raw with emotion.“My dad almost killed my brother.My dad almost killed Jay,Hailey.”

His face twists in pain as the truth of that hits him to the core.A second later, she is wrapping him in a hug as he sobs into her shoulder.

She offers no platitudes, no ‘it will be okay’s.’Right now those are just words. So she hugs him in silent support, offering him the truth of the matter, that he, they, are not alone in this.

XXXXXXX

Once Jay had passed out in the ER and gone into surgery, he didn’t come to again until 3 days later - briefly, less than briefly - he opened his eyes for about two seconds. On day 4, his eyes fluttered open twice as he surfaced to the land of the living, only to close again seconds later, not quite successful in his endeavor.They also started passive PT with Jay twice a day.Voight and Hailey refused to leave and Will told the therapist it was fine but after that first day, they waited in the hall.It was disturbing to watch someone move Jay’s legs and arms, hands and feet while he was unconscious.

On day 5 and 6 of his hospital stay, Jay would occasionally jerk in his sleep and then groan. He would always settle, the wince on his face would smooth out as the drugs did their job and sent him back into a drug induced sleep.It was hard to watch, knowing that he was probably reliving the bullshit of the last couple of weeks. 

The evening of the 5th day, Voight left the hospital in a rage.They didn’t see him again until the next afternoon. He didn’t say anything when he came back, just sat in the chair next to Jay’s bed and leaned against the wall looking rather smug.No one needed to ask where he had gone.We all knew.

XXXXXXX

He took a seat across from the asshole and smirked at the disappointment that bloomed on Dr. Halstead’s face. He was hoping the asshole would be expecting Will and he was more than happy to disappoint him.Once the prick got past the disappointment though, he had the gall to look smug. Hank would wipe that look off his face soon enough.

Voight had made him wait 45 minutes before he came in, gave a nod to the guard and sat down.He didn’t say anything for another 15 minutes, just sat there arms crossed, letting the asshole see who had the power here.

“I heard there’s a deal on the table. 5-7, chance of parole if you’re a good boy.”

The asshole didn’t say anything but the smug did slip for a moment.

“You should take the deal. You don’t plea, we’ll throw the book at you. You’ll be lucky if your out in 15.”

The smug look was back. “No. I’m not going to take a deal. Let the little shit testify in court, with all the lights and cameras and reporters.Put everything out there for the world to see, that a cop, a thug, beat his father, a renowned physician. I fought back. It was self defense.He’ll lose his job, go to jail, he’ll lose any kind of relationship he ever had with Will. You know what happens to cops in jail.So, no.I don’t think I’ll be taking any deal.”

If you’ve ever seen a shark right before it bites into its next meal, you’d see all teeth. Just a toothy grin in anticipation of its dinner.That was the look that graced Sgt. Hank Voight’s face.

“I was hoping you would say that.”

All the smug was wiped off the assholes face.It was an expression he would never wear again.Even though he tried for it one more time.

“You don’t scare me Voight. But good try.”

Hank just grunted at that and turned his focus to the guard.

“We’re done here Jimmy. How you doin?”

“Can’t complain Hank. Come by the club sometime. I’ll buy you a beer.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

He watched Jimmy unfasten the cuffs and reattach them to the chain at Dr. Halstead’s waist.

“Let’s go Dr. Asshole. Time to meet your neighbors.No more protective custody.”

With a nod at Jimmy and a smirk at the abject fear cemented on the asshole’s face, he walked out of the room.Paybacks a bitch and Dr. Asshole was about to find that out.

As Hank drove back to the hospital, he thought about Jay and the pain the kid went through.For a moment he doubted his actions, the prick deserved what happened in prison, the bad and the worse.But he couldn’t do that to Jay.He knew that it would destroy the kid if anything that bad happened to his dad in prison.It would destroy Will also. 

So he talked to Maurice, the warden and the guards he knew.Maurice’s guys would ‘protect’ the good doctor from the worst of the worse, in county jail and when he was finally transferred to Stateville. To anyone but them, he would be hands off.But that didn’t mean Dr. Asshole would have an easy time and for now, the prick didn’t know rape and murder were off the table, so let him sweat, constantly looking over his shoulder.Let him get beat up a couple of times, wondering if it would be taken further.Dr. Patrick Halstead had no power and he was about to find out how that felt.

XXXXXXX

On the morning of day 7 one of Jay’s nightmares slammed him into the land of consciousness.He asked Voight, who was alone with him at the time, if he killed his dad, if that wasn’t a bitch of a first ‘neurological exam,’ and he didn’t pass it.

_He saw the fear in his dad’s eyes and it surprised him. He had never seen his dad afraid before. He wondered what he was afraid of. Then he saw his dad’s head whip to the side and saw the blood from a split lip. He saw his dad’s head slam up and back and heard his teeth clack together. Again and again his dad’s head whipped left and right. He became more and more bloody, a broken nose adding to the mess. After countless blows, the fear in his dad’s eyes was not as evident with them being swollen and only partly open, but nevertheless, it was still there and that felt good.That felt good?Another punch landed and his hand hurt. Wait. Why did his hand hurt. ‘Son, stop! Stop!’ Again and again and again his fist, HIS fist, slammed into his dad’s face.He tried to catch his breath as he straddled his dad, fist ready for another strike, but then the life went out his dad’s eyes, taking the fear with it and he was gone.He stared at the man that had cause him so much pain. He thought of his ten year old self and rage engulfed him.He let the fist fly that had been cocked and ready before he had killed Will’s dad.But it still wasn’t enough, he wasn’t dead enough. He hadn’t paid enough.He didn’t stop battering his anger into the empty shell of an asshole until he felt Voight pulling him back. Telling him, ‘stop, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself just stay still.’_

He woke with a start, covered in sweat. Clenched hands flailing as someone held his shoulders down.

“Jay...calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself. Calm down. You’re ok.”

_Voight._

“That’s it. You’re okay...”

Voight’s voice faded for a moment as he spoke to someone else in the room, “get Will...or Ethan.”

With awareness, came pain, excruciating pain.He wanted to pass out but he needed to know, _did I kill my dad!_

Not able to open his eyes for the splitting pain in his head he asked or he thought he did, “mm ki l my Dd.”

It made perfect sense to him but not to whoever was listening. _Please._

“Mmn,di…” Even those few words ratcheted up the pain. _Please please take it away.Please the pain…please Voight…is he dead?_

Voight kept his voice quiet, “Hey, your dad’s okay. You didn’t kill your him.He’s okay.”

He takes shallow breaths in and out through his nose, his head exploding, his chest on fire.

“Sssrg…plleas…” _Please help me._

He barks at Ethan when he runs in the room, “He’s in a lot of pain.”

Ethan reassures Jay as he pushes the meds, “Relief’s coming.Hold on Jay, just a few more seconds.”

_Oh God, Oh God please make it stop._

“Hey. Look at me.Jay open your eyes.”

The pain is ebbing, he can feel Voight’s hands on the sides of his head, thumbs resting on his temples. It takes a moment but he is finally able to blink his eyes open just enough to see the blurry face of his boss. He tries to focus on Voight and mostly succeeds.

“You did not. Kill. Your dad.You hearing me kid?Your dad is alive. It’s okay. You’re okay. Go back to sleep. You’re safe. I’m here…We’re here.”

 _Safe._ A single tear escapes and rolls down the side of his face.He sighs when Voight brushes it away with his thumb. He didn’t kill his dad. _I didn’t kill him._ He exhales a quiet ‘k’ and lets the pain meds take him.

Rage at the asshole spiked that day, making for a tense room.Jay woke two more times in excruciating pain and asked if he killed his dad.Ethan said the confusion was to be expected but that didn’t make any of this any easier.

When they answered ‘no,’ he would be relieved or at least that’s how it seemed before passing out again. It was like that question, rumbling around his head, is what woke him and the answer quieted his head so he could fall back asleep.When the thought of killing his dad stopped waking him up, his worry about Will started.

In the early morning, 2:00 am in fact, of day 8, they paged Will because Jay was convinced Will hated him.Jay fought the pain meds coursing through his system, adrenaline overriding their effectiveness. He didn’t calm down until he saw his brother.His despair was heartbreaking and brought them all to tears except Voight, although he did show a lot of interest in the floor.

They went through this same scenario a couple of hours later and again Will convinced him that he wasn’t mad and loved him very much.Jay woke two more times after that with a panicked look on his face, but as soon as he saw Will hovering over him and felt Will’s hand in his, the panic left, and with a sigh fell back asleep.Their hope was that when he woke up for good the confusion would dissipate and he would remember that his dad was in fact alive and his brother did love him.

At 10:00 am, right after Will had allayed his fears that last time, Jay fell back asleep and didn’t stir for 15 hours.

When he woke up at 1:00am on day 9, he stayed a wake for about two minutes. He took a sip of water from Hailey, scanned the room seeing everyone he loved, and went back to sleep. It was the first time he looked peaceful in over two weeks.

In those 9 days some of Jay’s older bruises had faded but the new ones were in full bloom. Stitches were removed and second CT scans were done and came back all clear. 

Jay slept most of day 10, until they tried easing him off the pain meds a bit, but that was a failed experiment.He tried to suck it up but eventually his pain topped the meds.Will and Hailey were in his room to witness it.He was dozing and they were both messing around on their phones.They didn’t notice he was in pain until he groaned, drawing their immediate and freaked out attention. Hailey moved to the bed to comfort him, while Will ran out of the room to get an interim dose of pain meds. 

Tears leaked from Jay’s eyes as he gripped the bedding in white knuckled fists and tried to roll, unsuccessfully, onto his side.He grabbed his head as if it was going to explode and a pain filled sobbed escaping his lips.She felt useless as his back arched off the bed, and her eyes filled with tears, witnessing Jay in extreme pain and being powerless to do anything.She put her hand on the side of his face and let him know relief was coming.He rolled his cheek into the palm of her hand seeking comfort, but that would only come with the meds.

Will ran into the room, administered the supplemental dose and hoped it would kick in quickly.In less than thirty seconds, Jay’s body started to relax, the groans and sobbing quieted and Jay silently fell asleep, his cheek still resting in the palm of Hailey’s hand.

After that fiasco, they went back to the previous dose, plus a small dose of sedative so they could get Jay ahead of the pain, and then they’d try something else.

On day 11 he pretty much slept.But he did ask at one point what the actual damage was besides ‘pain.’When they explained his injuries in full, he took a deep breath and fell back to sleep.

The evening of day 12, they tried a different experiment.They eased back on the pain meds Jay received intravenously every four hours and gave him a morphine pump.He would control the supplemental meds himself while they gradually decreased the intravenous dose. If his pain topped those meds they would give him an interim dose. The well-meaning button pushers from his last stay were the recipients of a stern warning from Ethan.They complied and this experiment worked but there were some bumps in the road.

On the morning of day 13, the whole of Intelligence was called back to the 21st for a possible case and Maggie volunteered to sit with Jay until Will came up from the ER. 

Jay was more like Jay, but drugged up.The physical pain had lessened somewhat but he was still pretty miserable.His confusion was gone, so reality set it.That’s when the emotional side of things really started to rear its ugly head.It was the visit from Maggie, through no fault of her own, that kicked the whole thing off.

“Hey there Jay.How’s your pain?”

He had slept through a dose, maybe two, when the pain woke him up.So his answer was a little, so-so waver of his hand and a wince.

“Okay, so about a 7.”She looked at the pump.“You can give yourself another dose.Why don’t we see where you are after that and we’ll see if you need a boost?”

As much as he hates taking meds, his brain is trying to escape his skull and every part of his body is trying to kill him.He answers with a hoarse ‘okay’ and pushes the button.

She gets some fresh water and hands him the cup.

“Thanks.”

“The pump is set up for a dose every 15 minutes.You can’t over do it.You can push the button a million times and it will still only give you one dose in a 15 minute period.So please make sure you’re dosing.The sooner we get the pain under control, the sooner you can get out of here.”

His sleepy eyes light up at that.

“Thought you’d like that…better than a card and flowers right?”

He nodded and watched her hang a new bag of morphine. “That’s for sure.”

He closes his eyes as the meds kick in, while Maggie busies herself logging his vitals.A moment later he stops her in her tracks.

“You’ve known…I mean, you knew when you met me.” 

She thought she was just coming to see how he was doing, give him some pain relief, check his vitals, boy, did that turned on a dime.She sighed, pulled up a chair, and looked into his blue, pain filled eyes.

“I worked with your father for eight years…I knew he was an asshole.”She was hoping to leave it there.

But then he looked at her, _Detective_ Jay Halstead looked at her, so of course he saw there was more.He asked the question again with his silence. She wanted to lie but knew she had to tell the painful truth. She sighed and the half smile, half grimace left her face, immediately softening with compassion and admiration for the man before her.She slid the chair closer to the bed and put her hand on his arm, “I didn’t know Will had a brother until the day I met you.Your father had only ever talked about Will.So, that aspect of your childhood, I’ve known since Will introduced us.I didn’t know exactly what it entailed, I didn’t know about the physical abuse but I could see the sadness, the loneliness in your eyes when I met you.”

He took a deep breath then slowly blew it out, “Ya…ya…”He gives her a small smile before closing his eyes not really caring about the tear that escaped.She sat with him until he pretended to fall asleep, then gave his arm a light squeeze and brushed her hand through his hair before she sighed and left the room.

She ran into Will right outside the door, leaning against the wall.She could tell by his red rimmed eyes he had been crying.

“Will.”She takes a big breath and exhales a sigh.“You heard that.”It’s a statement not a question. “I’m so sorry Will.”

He gives her a sad smile back as he heads into the room.“It’s okay Maggie.”

Will sat down in the chair Maggie had just vacated and looked at Jay.He was facing the other wall and whether he was actually pretending to be a sleep or not, Will knew he was awake.The tears escaping his closed eyes gave it away.

Will put his hand in Jay’s, interlocking their thumbs in what could appropriately be called, a “broshake,” but without the shake part.He gave Jay’s hand a squeeze. 

“I’m so fucking sick of crying.”

“Me too little brother, me too.”

Jay looks at him, about to speak.Not sure what he was going to say. ‘I’m sorry’ or because he’s angry and wants to lash out,‘what are you crying about.’But then he sees Will’s face, his eyes red and swollen from crying and realizes that he’s not the only one who’s been hurt here, emotionally at least. Will has plenty to cry about, plenty that is hurting him emotionally. He realizes ‘sorry’ would have been the most appropriate thing to say but it’s already been said a lot, by both of them, so he opts for humor.

Jay squeezes Will’s hand, “Make sure you rehydrate. At least I have an IV.”

Will chuckles at that This brief upswing of the rollercoaster is that Jay and Will are on the same page and willing to ride it out together.

XXXXXXX

When the unit returned that afternoon, the emotional rollercoaster was well on its way.Jay was wavering between ‘real’ okay, ‘fake’ okay and silent brooding that equated to, ’leave me the fuck alone.’Physical pain was the trigger for the ‘leave me the fuck alone,’ which was usually when he slept through a dosage or two of pain meds.It was hard for the button pushers to not push the button when they knew that he was sleeping through a dosage.So, so hard.But the first dose of morphine,when he was in the ‘leave me the fuck alone’s’ took the edge off, when he was able to dose himself 15 minutes later, the physical pain would be at a manageable level.

Voight had even cornered Ethan about this, he didn’t want Jay to be in pain at all, but Ethan didn’t budge.Ethan is a nice guy but don’t fuck with him when it comes to his patient’s best interests, _especially_ Jay’s and _especially_ about this.It’s a battle Voight wasn’t going to win.As much as the team didn’t want Jay to be in pain, they knew this phase of working the pain meds was necessary. 

Watching Ethan hold his own with Voight was pretty entertaining.For a number of reasons.On the Voight side of things, it was watching Voight go all ‘papa bear’ on Jay’s behalf.It was reminiscent of a crazy little league parent getting in the coach’s face for pulling their kid out of the game.

On the Ethan side of things, it was watching him stand there, arms crossed, no expression on his face, while Voight laid into him.When Voight started his, silent but deadly portion of the stare down, Ethan asked, “Are you done?” Then walked away before Voight even got a chance to answer.

Ethan knew what was best for Jay, Will agreed with how he was handling the meds, so if Will agreed they would go with it.

An hour or so later, everyone had gone to get food and it was just Hailey and Voight in Jay’s room.He asked the question that had been bugging him all day but was afraid to ask.

“My dad?”

“In lockup.There’s an offer on the table.I told him to take the plea.”

Jay looks surprised and then sags in relief into the bed.

“He take it?”

“Not yet. But he will.”

It takes Jay a second but then understanding sets in.

If subdued panic were a thing, it would describe Jay perfectly right now.

“Voight. I don’t want...”

“Don’t worry about it kid. For now, your dad is fine. Maurice’s guys are watching out for him. He’ll be ok. Pretty much.”

Jay lets that statement settle in, cocks his head and gives Voight the side eye.But with his battered face, it doesn’t quite convey what he intended and is almost comical.Finally, Jay seems to get it and lets his head fall back onto the pillow. After a moment, he presses his head back and realizes you can’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

He knows this isn’t what Voight wants.Voight probably wants, as punishment for what his dad did to him, all that being in prison embodies. He appreciates Voight’s restraint. He knows he did it for him, for Will.

He blows out a heavy breath, sinking further into the mattress and looks at his boss.

“Thank you Hank.”Gratitude is evident on his bruised face and the conviction in his raspy voice, “I mean it. Thanks.”

“Not a problem kid, never a problem.”

Voight and Hailey watch as Jay nods off. The news of his dad being “safe” for the most part, seems to have uncoiled a spring of trepidation that wasn’t really evident until it released from Jay’s body.

Voight shares his thoughts with Hailey.“The kid’ll be ok. We’ll all help him get there. It’ll take a while but he’ll be ok. Better than okay.”

She smiles at Voight, then turns her focus back on Jay.She couldn’t agree more.

The upswing of the day was after dinner, they were going to finally, _finally_ , let him get out of bed.The passive PT had gotten him to this point and even though he was weaker than hell and in a bit more pain because of the movement, he was happier than all get out to be sitting in the vinyl covered reclining chair next to the bed.It lasted ten minutes and he was ready to get back in bed.

“This sucks.”

They could all understand that.He had been in the hospital for almost two weeks.

“You’re getting there Jay.”

He had been back in bed less than a minute when the true essence of Jay came through, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

With squinting eyes because of his ever present headache he asked, “When can I leave?”

They all looked at him like he was nuts, then busted into laughter.That was the stubborn Jay Halstead they all knew and love and the question was music to their ears.

“Not anytime soon bud, at least a couple of days, til we get the meds figured out, so make yourself comfortable.”

He scoffed at being stuck there.He hated being in the hospital with a passion and he hated being drugged up but he did feel like absolute shit and couldn’t get out of bed by himself or even even walk to the bathroom.That brought an unpleasant thought to mind, the catheter, that he had been trying his damndest to pretend didn’t exist.Shit.

“Can I at least take a shower.Except for my head, I think most of the pain is probably from just being stiff.”

Will didn’t really have the heart to tell him, that no, most of the pain was from the bone deep bruising, “We’ll see.Maybe tomorrow.”

XXXXXXX

The rest of the team had left for the night, Jay had had another adventure to the chair, that had once again sucked, and it was now just him and Will and the morphine pump.

“Before you ask again, now that there’s not an audience, no.You’re not going home.”

He let out a big sigh, “Truth be told bro, that last little slog to the chair, felt like a damn marathon.I’m just fine laying here and not moving.I feel like shit.I almost, _almost_ don’t even care about the catheter.Almost.”

He looked at Jay with wide eyes, “Wow!”

“Ya, I know right? … but when _can_ we get rid of it and why have I had it so long? …You know what?I don’t even want to know, can we just…can you just take it out?”

“Tomorrow Jay.We’ll check the final numbers and we’ll get you walking to the bathroom, or at the very least have you use a urinal.”

Jay scrunches up his face, “This is the most godawful topic of conversation…but I guess a better topic than some of our recent conversations, huh?”

The brother’s smile at each other.“We’ll get there Jay.Before you know it we’ll be talking about how bad the Bears suck.”

“Still not the best topic of conversation, but definitely better.”

Jay winced with that last statement and Will wasn’t sure if it was pain or talking about the Bears.Probably both. 

He gives Jay’s hand another squeeze, “Push the button, go to sleep Jay.I’ll make sure you get a shower tomorrow and lose the catheter.”

He pushed the button and mumbled, “Thank you baby Jesus.”

Jay woke up sometime later, alone in his room.It took him a minute to realize it, but somehow, miraculously, the catheter was gone.He hadn’t even woken up for the big event, and as much as he hates drugs and how they knocked him out, in this instance, thank God for morphine.

He laid in bed for awhile thinking and trying not to push the button for the drug, but gave in and pushed it before the pain got too bad.He did feel like absolute crap, physically, but he also felt lighter.He knew he had some work to do but some how, knocking his dad on his ass made everything seem less daunting.It helped to have Will there most of the time. Even though they talked about it after his first hospital stay, the lingering fear he had of collapsing under the pressure of Will knowing, and how they were going to work through that going forward, had dissipated somewhat and now seemed doable. He could get through it.It was going to suck, big time, but he could see the light at the end of the tunnel and now the darkness didn’t feel so dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Thanks again for waiting soooooooo long for this chapter! I hope you liked it. The closer it comes to ending the story, the harder it is to end the story in a way that I feel does the rest of it justice. Thank you so much for all the comments along the way. They make my day! You guys are the bombdiggity! 
> 
> I’m going to try to get another chapter out of ‘He’s a Keeper’ soon. Thanks for your patience in waiting for chapters to all my stories! Be well and stay safe!


	14. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear lord! It is finally here! The final chapter. This was probably the hardest chapter to write. Sorry not sorry it’s so long. (Even after I cut out about 5000 words) I couldn’t find a good spot to break it up. I hope you like it and it does justice to the rest of the story. Thank you all so much for your patience.

He got out of the hospital two days later.Probably still a little earlier than warranted given the pain situation, but right on time for Jay.He’d fallen asleep in the car on the way home and it took both Kevin and Will, with Hailey following behind, to get him into the apartment when he ran out of steam on the last leg of the journey.He didn’t seem to notice the mess was cleaned up from the fight, but then again, he might not remember what the aftermath looked like.Probably just as well.In time he would figure it out when he realized that the table he usually put his keys on, no longer existed.

They were supporting more and more of his weight but he was steering the ship and headed right to his bedroom. 

He mumbled a pain filled, “I’m hot.”And together the three of them got him down to just his boxer briefs, all trying not to react to the bruises that still littered his back and ribs. 

Will tried not to laugh at the creative stream of cursing flowing from Jay’s lips as they eased him onto the bed.He gave his stubborn brother a couple of pain pills right before he laid down and Jay was asleep or more than likely passed out before his head even hit the pillow.

Hailey shakes her head at her sleeping partner, “God he’s such an idiot.He should still be in the hospital.”

“Probably but I think he’ll recover here faster.”

They leave the door open part way and head into the living room.“You guys mind staying if I get called in?”

“Not a problem.We’ll order a lot of pizza.Ruz and Kim are coming over.”

Kevin orders the pizza and Hailey plops on the couch by Will.She lets her head fall back and as much as she thinks that her partner should probably still be in the hospital, she’s glad he’s not.She grins at Will and Kevin,“He’s home.He’s finally home.”

Kevin hangs up the phone, “Yup, ‘bout time too.This calls for beer.Lotsa beer.”

**XXXXXX** ****

He woke up with a headache that was a borderline migraine sometime later.He could hear laughter coming from the living room, closed his eyes and sighed.It instantly made him feel better, it was so normal.They were probably eating pizza and drinking beer.

He tuned into his aching body and realized that he had probably slept through a dose of his oral pain meds.It kind of pissed him off, because although Will knew he needed sleep to heal, he’d bet anyone $100, that somewhere within 2 feet of Will, was a syringe with his name on it, filled with a fast acting pain killer prepped just for this moment.Damn, Will was a sneaky ass, with a big heart but still…

He groaned when he rolled about an inch to grab his phone from the nightstand.

“Goddammit Will.”An IV? _A fucking IV, s_ ticking right out the top of his hand.When in the hell did he do that? ****

The damn thing felt tight as he tried to text.

**Dr. Asshole!Bring your damn syringe, give me the meds and take out this fucking IV!** ****

He heard the ding in the other room, the ‘oh oh’ and the laughter.Will must have shared his grumpiness with everyone else out there.

It all seemed so damn _normal_.He appreciated the normal and would appreciate it even more when he stopped _noticing_ it and was just _in_ it.

A moment later his jerk of a brother came slinking into the room and sat on the bed.

“Ass.”

“Sorry Jay.You need the sleep and I needed to check how long the oral meds were effective.”

“I sleep through a dose? Don’t give me too much.Just to take the edge off.Please…”

“You got it.That’s what I was planning on. And no you didn’t sleep through a dose.The trip home probably just caught up to you.That’s why I had the syringe ready.”

“Oh, sorry…I thought…”

“Don’t worry about it…and before you ask, the IV stays in for now.”

He didn’t feel like arguing that yet, he was miserable.He waited for the meds to kick in and accidentally sighed, which he knew Will would use as ammo later but he couldn’t help it.

“It’s not doing a lot for my headache.”

“Ya, sorry bro.Where’re you at?”

“7 was a 9.”

“I can give you more but it will put you out.”

“Let’s wait.I’m sick of sleeping.”

Hailey came to the door and then to the bed when she saw the meds hadn’t knocked him out again.

“Hey.”

“Hey…you guys drink all my beer?”

“Ya, but Adam went out for more.”

“Of course he did.”

“You don’t get any.”

Jay rolled his eyes at his brother, which was a huge mistake because now they felt like they were going to pop out of his head.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the pain without looking like he was breathing through the pain.But he wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Jay…”

“Okay…”He could only mumble it, feeling like moving anything on his head would cause it to explode.

He felt when the rest of the meds kicked in and then he didn’t feel anything.When his breathing evened out, Hailey sat on the bed and put her hand on Jay’s leg.“His headaches…should he really be out of the hospital?Is it normal for him to be getting such bad ones at this point?”

Will spun from where he was sitting on the side of the bed to face her instead of his sleeping brother.“Totally normal unfortunately.They’ll eventually go away, but they are probably going to be coming and going for the next three months or so.”

“THREE MONTHS!” She realized she was too loud and looked at Jay hoping she didn’t cause him any pain but he was still out.“Three months, really?”

“He had a significant concussion Hailey and about a week later had another trauma to his head causing a brain bleed.Ya, he’s going to have headaches.”He cuts off her worry, “He’ll be fine.”

Her focus drifts back to Jay.She really wishes he had a shirt on because it was painful to look at his bruises, they were still so dark, but she understood him not wanting to bother with it.It would just cause him more pain to put one on.

They both left the room, knowing Jay would probably sleep for a couple of hours and if not, Will would wake him up to take oral meds so he could keep ahead of the pain.

**XXXXXXX** ****

**Later**

He woke up feeling blue and in pain.He could tell by the light in the room that the sun had gone down and it just seemed to add to the gloom in his head.He was sick of how everything would feel okay, normal, and then doubt and uncertainty would creep in. The thought that had crept in when he started to have a functioning brain cell in the hospital is back. It’s not a question but a statement of truth.His dad tried to kill him.

He wishes he could ask his dad why.But that isn’t going to happen because his dad wouldn’t or couldn’t explain it. No his dad would just use the question to draw blood with the answer.He figures that it will be a question he asks all his life.And he knows it’s not the lack of an answer that bugs him but the need for the question. 

Again he sits with that thought and he’s that 6 year old kid at Christmas wondering what he did wrong or the 10 year old cowering on the floor, stunned from the first ever strike of his dad’s hand, the 16 year old getting his head slammed into the counter.That goddam question pops in again. Why? And it pisses him off. ****

Hailey’s sitting cross legged on the open side of the bed when he finally opens his eyes, the sadness lingering in them makes her heart hurt.

“Hey partner.How ya doing?”

He answers in a raspy, sad and somewhat drugged out voice, “Ughhh. Fine…better.Where is everyone?”

“The guys left and Will got called into work.”

“Bet he wasn’t very happy about that.”

“Nope. You guys have the same exasperated cranky face.”

He quietly chuckles then winces, “I think I better take the pain meds or Will is gunna know with his psychic mother hen doctor sense and give us both hell.”

She laughs and holds up a pudding cup, wiggling it, “He said you have to eat something or you’ll get sick.”

“Okay.I can do pudding.”

“Can you sit up or do you need help.”

“Uh…”

His face turns so red with embarrassment, it breaks her heart and makes her want to laugh at the same time.

“Can you just grab another pillow, that should be enough.”

She tries to ignore the bruising on his chest as she grabs the pillow and between the two of them they get him in a more upright position.

She opens the pudding and licks the lid handing him the cup.He takes a couple bites then takes the meds and sighs, he feels better just having Hailey there, or maybe it’s the pudding. 

He points to the lid, “That’s a 10-31…”

“Really?Crime in progress?”

“My lid, my pudding, thievery… I should have you arrested.” 

He takes another bite, **“** I love pudding.‘It cures what ails ya’…that’s what my mom used to say…though it was probably just the meds that went with it.I don’t think I ever remember eating pudding except when I was sick and taking some type of medicine.”

“Well then, she was definitely right on that.But we can test the theory when you’re all better and see if it, ‘cures what ails ya,’ when you’re not sick.We’ll do it on a day when Adam is particularly annoying and see if it works.”

His drugged out chuckle is extremely endearing and she can’t help the big grin that comes to her face or the laugh that escapes watching him scrape every single drop of pudding out of the plastic cup.

“What?”

“You’re cute…”She laughs realizing what she just said, “I mean you’re cute, but in a, ‘you’re a dork’ kinda way, when your drugged up.”

“Well, that’s disappointing…in a way…I think…Uh, hey, did you know a dork is a whale penis?”

That catches her off guard and she throws her head back on laughs.“Not the kind of dork I was referring to Halstead, but hey, you do you!” 

He chuckles quietly before his face flushes a rosy red again, “Hails, did Will give you any other directions, about what to do with me…I mean…”

“No, just eat some…Oh…jeez no.He was a little frazzled when he left…I can help if you want…I mean get ya there.”

He blows out a big ‘what other choice do I have’ breath.She helped him when he was in the hospital but he had sweats on then, now he was just in boxer briefs, oh well…“Ok, let’s do it.”

A few minutes and a lot of swearing and drugged out chuckling later, Hailey deposits Jay in the bathroom.“Okay whale penis, I’ll be out here, holler if you need anything.”The snorty laugh she got from him at the new term of endearment was music to her ears.

She waited, then waited just a little longer and then counted to sixty before she knocked on the door.She gets no answer so she peeks in and sees him sitting on the toilet lid.His elbows are on his knees and he’s holding his head in his hands.

“Jay?”

He doesn’t move just keeps his head down.“Jay…you okay?”

He takes a big breath, lifts his head and sits up.There are tears streaming down his face.She panics and gets on her knees in front of him, one hand on his knee, the other the the side of his face.

“Jay, tell me what’s wrong?”She takes her hand off his knee and pulls out her phone, “Should I call Will?”

He shakes his head and takes a shuddering breath.When he moves to stand up, she gets up and helps him, scanning the bruises on his chest and abdomen like they held the clue to what might be wrong.He still doesn’t say anything, just moves to the vanity and stands in front of it, hands holding tightly to the edge.She leans against the door frame, keeping one hand on his arm, waiting for him to let her in. 

His face is twists in an effort to get a hold of himself so he can tell her, show her what he had noticed just moments before. 

He meets her eyes in their reflection, then refocuses on the mirror or more specifically the part of the shattered mirror he had left on his nightstand.It’s now glued to the new mirror where his heart is in his reflection.Hailey must have recognized that piece of him, that despite everything, had stubbornly held on.The metaphor was not lost on him.He looked at Hailey again, tear filled eyes conveying gratitude and so much more.

“My heart knows your heart, Jay.”

He can only nod as more tears slip down his face.He wipes them from where they tickle his jaw and nods again, hanging his head and sucking in a breath before looking at his partner, his best friend, grateful for the the symbol, the reminder, of who he is and that his dad didn’t, couldn’t, take that from him.

**XXXXXXX** ****

His third day out of the hospital, was the first day he had been alone any period of time.He relished in it.He loved having people around as it kept him out of his head but now that he was alone, truly alone, it was bliss…

Hailey was the one who found him. He really had no memory of it even though he was conscious - pain will do that to you. _Technically_ he wasn’t ‘cleared’ by Will to take a shower when he was alone.It probably didn’t come up since someone was always there with him.But he was sore and he wanted to stand in the shower until the hot water was gone.

_She heard the shower going as soon as she set the groceries down.‘Shit!’He wasn’t supposed to take a shower while he was alone but then this was Jay, so of course that’s the first thing he would do once everyone cleared out._

_She knocked on the door and got no answer, knocked a little louder and still no answer.“I’m coming in.”_

_The bathroom was filled with steam from the shower.“Jay?”Panic was full bloom now._

_“I’m opening the shower door.”_

_He was on his knees with his back to her, sitting on his feet, in the far corner of the shower.His head resting on the arm braced against the tiles, the other laying in his lap._

_She kept her voice low, “Jay…” she was sure it was another migraine.She grabbed a towel, stepped in, shut off the water and crouched next to him.Her mind registering the bruises that still peppered his muscular back, butt and the back of his right arm._

_She put the towel across his lap and stepped back to grab another from the bar before crouching down again.She put the towel around his shoulders, “Jay…I’m here…tell me what’s going on.”_

_She could see the tremble of his body.He clung to the towel across his lap, hand fisted in the material.“Jay…”_

_It was barely a whisper, “Hailey…” She put her hand on the back of his neck and he groaned.“Help me…”_

_“Migraine?”_

_“Hailey please…”_

_“Okay…hold on…We’ll take you to Will…do you think you can stand up?”_

_His answer was to sag into her and pass out.She went from a crouch down to her knees, his body falling between them, the side of his head resting against her shoulder, his warm breath whispering into the crook of her neck._

_“Shit…hold on Jay.”With one arm around Jay’s back, she dug her phone out of her back pocket, called 911 and then called Will while she held Jay up._

_She waited in the shower with Jay, her jeans soaked from kneeling on the floor.He hadn’t stirred since she called for help._

_She heard Sylvie and Gianna call out when they came into the apartment but didn’t answer in deference to Jay’s head, knowing they would find her shortly._

_“Hailey…”_

_“Sylvie, it’s a migraine…he passed out and hasn’t stirred since.”_

_“Okay…Kelly?”_

_Severide had followed them in after getting the door open for them, “Kelly, help us get him laying down.”Hailey handed Jay off to Kelly, stepped out of the shower and watched them take care of her partner.Sylvie took the towel off his shoulders and set it on the shower floor to cushion his head._

_Between the three of them they were able to get Jay onto his back while Hailey watched.It scared her how floppy he was.He had yet to stir._

_“Man, he still looks terrible.”_

_That brought everyones focus to how battered and bruised Jay’s body is._

_“Ya, bone deep bruises…they’ll be there for a while.”_

_Sylvie took his vitals and they were good.She got an IV in him and they got his floppy body onto the backboard, covering him when they finally got him onto the gurney.The heat from the shower had left his skin and he started to tremble again, from the cold this time instead of the pain, or at least she hoped._

**XXXXXXX**

They had arrived at med to find a freaked out Will pacing a trench outside the ER doors.

“Hailey!What the hell happened?”

“Not quite sure… migraine I think.I found him on his knees in the shower.”

“Shit…goddammit Jay.”

Again she found herself watching as people worked on her floppy partner.It was disconcerting to see no life in him at all.They got him set up and wheeled him out for a CT scan, leaving her feeling lost in the treatment room.Will put his arm around her and gave her a side hug.

“He’ll be fine.It’s just another bad migraine, he’ll have some doozies.We’re just doing the CT as a precaution, when it’s clear we’ll take him home.”

She nods her head, worry ebbing, and blows out an exasperated breath.“Ugh!He couldn’t have waited 15 minutes?!Next time I’m going to cuff him to the fricken bed!”

Will cocks an eyebrow at that, “Really, cuff him to the…”

“Oh my God Will!”She walks away in exasperation, “You’re a whale penis just like your damn brother.”

He calls after her laughing and oh so confused, “Hailey…Hailey…I’m a WHAT?” **** ****

**XXXXXXX** ****

**A WEEK LATER**

They’ve been sitting on the couch for about 20 minutes, Chinese food forgotten, Jay just staring at his reflection in his new TV.He’s moody and closing himself off from everyone…it’s been happening on and off and more and more since he got home from the hospital.Even though he still feels like crap, it seems like the better he feels physically, the worse he feels emotionally.But instead of letting it out like he did in the hospital, he’s keeping it all inside providing more fodder for his frequent nightmares.

On top of that, she knows some fear has crept in about being able to go back to work.No matter what Will tells him, he’s scared that these migraines will take him out of the job he loves. 

He’s on the verge of falling asleep, but keeps jerking himself awake, fighting it. She turns to face him, sitting crosslegged on the cushion.

“Hey…what’re thinking?”

“I’m tired.”

She chuckles, “That’s what you are, not what your thinking.What’s going on in your noggin?”

_He had kept his secret, the extent of his dad’s emotional and physical abuse, his pain, to himself since he was six. It would be hard to let people in.He knew he had nothing to be embarrassed about, yet he was.He was an adult, he should be over it.He always felt like he deserved it. Not at first, as a kid he was just confused, but his dad was a master manipulator and at some point he started to feel like he deserved it, especially when he came back from the war._

“My _noggin_ is thinking I’m a chicken…”

_He looked at Hailey, his best friend. He knew he could trust her. He did with his life every day on the job. If he could trust her with his physical well-being, he could trust her with his heart, he did trust her with his heart.But he just wanted to lock everything back up, not talk about it with anyone, even Hailey, just put it away and be done with it._

“Is this about your appointment with Dr. Charles tomorrow?”

He sighs.Sometimes it’s frustrating how well she knows him.“It’s just…” He throws his head back and looks at the ceiling, “Talking about it when I was in the hospital…it just kinda happened, I was kind of a mess…”He rolls his head on the couch to look at her,“That’s one thing, but talking about all this _on purpose,_ feels weird, feels like a pity party or maybe even an excuse for the different ways I’ve fucked up in my life.”

“Jay…”

“It feels different than when I talked to someone about the war…it’s more personal…something…that…that was because of something…I didn’t want to look at it because it was hard to face it, not because I was embarrassed by it.I wasn’t a fucking coward.”

He can’t handle this conversation anymore, he just wants to go to bed.He goes to get up but Hailey stops him by putting her hand on his leg.

“Jay, don’t hide…not from me…please…you’re not a coward, God, that’s the last thing you are.And no one thinks that, no one thinks any different of you than we did a month ago.I don’t think any different of you today, than I did before all this.If anything, I’m…hell everybody, is a little in awe of you and your strength. 

That felt like a ‘roll your eye’ statement from his partner but he was too tired to do it, or maybe there was a small part of him that believed her when she said she didn’t think he was a coward, she wouldn’t lie to him.

“Jay, who you are today, is an absolutely amazing person.You have the biggest heart… … Jay, you’re the best person I have ever known and…”She has to stop for a second or she’s going to lose it and bawl like a baby.She takes a deep breath and slowly releases it, “Jay, I am lucky to have you in my life…you are the best friend I’ve ever had…I love you…I don’t want you to…to…”She takes a deep breath, “I want to help you carry this until you can set it down.”

He has been staring at his lap during Hailey’s speech…more and more tears rolling down his face as he feels Hailey safeguard his heart just like those army rangers did so long ago.“Okay.”He takes hold of her hand, intertwining their fingers and leans back against the couch and closes his eyes, “Okay… … Can you go with me tomorrow?”

**XXXXXXX**

He had a migraine and passed out 10 minutes into the session…when he came to, he was in the ER, _goddammit,_ where they let him sleep it off in one of the treatment rooms.When Will was done with his shift, Will and Hailey took a very groggy Jay home, but at least he went, it was a start.

His next 2 appointments were house calls.He fell asleep during both of them but Dr. Charles informed a somewhat freaked out Will, that Jay _was_ talking, they just wore him out.Sometimes the emotional pain is more exhausting that the physical.

“It’s a good thing Will.A very good thing.He wants to work through this.Is willing to put in the hard work even though it will be painful…What about you?Would you like to talk?”

Will is taken aback by the question at first, but then realizes that he isn’t surprised by it.He knew it was coming but is afraid to start…doesn’t know where to start.When he tells that to Daniel, he is told that it isn’t a race.There is no start line.He can start where he wants.That Will should look at it as more of a hike.Start where you want, there will be ups and downs.Harder parts and easier parts.Sometimes you slip and catch yourself and sometimes you slip and fall.Sometimes you’ll veer off the path to explore something else and sometimes you’ll stay charging ahead, determined to move on no matter what.

The important thing is to realize the hike doesn’t end.The trail will get easier, with a few hills thrown in there once in a while but he will keep on hiking.

He is told not to worry when he veers off the path because the paths are still part of the hike and are important, he just doesn’t know why yet.Or maybe he will never know why they are important but that’s okay.

Jay was given the same message.But all he had to say was, “It’s like going on a hike.” And Jay got it.He hiked a lot in Afghanistan. Often with an 80 pound pack on his back.He got it.

Will and Jay are on a hike together but separate.Their paths will often converge and they hike together, help each other through the rough spots or the steep climbs.But they’ll get through it together…and separately. 

It is funny how both Halstead’s cling to that analogy.It made their recovery more attainable to see it in the form of hike and to not beat themselves up when they stumble or revisit areas of their path. 

Hailey has been a big help for both of them, especially Jay.A sounding board outside the family and outside of therapy.No judgement just a good ear backed up by life experience.

The biggest surprise in all of this is Voight and truth be told, his ear and his input has probably meant the most to Jay.Not to say that it has helped him the most but to have a father figure acknowledge Jay’s worth has helped Jay trudge on through the darkest of days.

**XXXXXXX**

**5 Weeks out of the hospital**

The first time he came to visit he ended up having a migraine.He looked good, no bruises, and the cuts on his face were barely visible.He looked tired, thinner, but good.He had walked up the steps that morning and even though he hadn’t been cleared for desk duty yet, he was beaming.He shot the shit with everyone in the bullpen and an hour later,he was knocked out on the couch in the break room.He about gave us all a heart attack when he went down to his knees, holding his head, in front of Hailey’s desk.He took his meds and slept until Will came to get the “stubborn ass.”

The kid wanted to come back to work but the migraines were still knocking him on his ass.That migraine when he came to visit, threw him into an internal panic, that was visible to anyone who knew him.He was afraid he would never be able to come back. 

It had been 5 weeks since he got out of the hospital and he was still having 2 or 3 migraines a week, but that was down from one, sometimes two almost daily, so progress, even though Jay didn’t see it that way.

He was sitting in my office, for the 4th time this week, including the visit on Monday that he basically spent on the couch.It was like he was daring his head to do that to him again while he was in his ‘sacred space.’He was bored so he’d come by, check in, talk about the most recent case, get tired and go home.He wasn’t cleared to drive yet, so Hailey would pick him up on the way in or Will would drop him off on the way to work.Then someone would drop him home or to Will at Med. 

He was coming in for a reason, besides being bored and wanting to shoot the shit, but he hadn’t gotten around to spilling it yet.I had just sent the team out to chase some leads on the current case, while Jay sat in my office, winding up for what he wanted to say, while I did paper work.

“I killed my dad…”I looked up from my work, confused and a little startled by the ice breaker.“I keep having the same nightmare, the one from the hospital…I kill my dad…in my nightmare.I beat him to death…and then kept beating him.You stopped me…in the dream…nightmare…but he was already dead…but sometimes you would stop me in time…I don’t think I would have stopped if you hadn’t stopped me.”

Voight lets that hang in the air.

“I always thought that if I threw even one punch I would end up killing him.That I wouldn’t be able to stop.”

“You stopped…that day, you…”

“Huh…I don’t think I could have thrown another punch even if I tried.So, I don’t think I stopped by choice.”

“You think if you could have you would have killed him?”

He dips his head.When he raises it and looks me in the eye, shame, guilt and sadness, are clouding his face, “Ya, I think I would have.”

“I don’t.That’s not you Jay.”

Jay shakes his head.“It’s me.I would have killed him.”

Voight looks at the kid, hoping praying even, that he sees the truth of the matter.

“You said, ‘I don’t think I could have thrown another punch, even if I tried.’You _didn’t try_ Jay.You _didn’t try_ to throw another punch.You defended yourself.When the threat was neutralized, you stopped.”

I watch the truth of it sink into Jay’s being as he relives the fight in his head and the moment the kid believes it.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a few moment then a ghost of a smile touches Jay’s face.“Huh.”His smile grows and he stands up.“Thank you Hank.”

“You got it kid.” ****

XXXXXXX

Jay hadn’t had a migraine for 12days and then today happened.A little bump on the cupboard door and he was on the floor puking.Will assured him before he finally fell asleep, that even though it looked like a setback, things were still looking good.He might not ever have another migraine or he might bump his head and have another…or he might not.There was no way of knowing but it would NOT keep him from going back to work…he would definitely be cleared because things were constantly progressing and even though this was a bad one, most weren’t as bad or lasted as long as before.It would just take a couple of more weeks and then he’d be back on desk duty.

A couple of hours later, his headache at a manageable level, Jay came out of the bedroom in just sweat pants and almost has a heart attack when he sees Platt sitting on his couch watching a movie.

He was expecting Hailey or Will and wouldn’t have been embarrassed that he was pretty much half naked but for god sakes, this was Platt.

Trudy enjoys the mortified look on Jay’s face for a moment, taking in the fact that although a bit skinnier, he looks good.No bruises, just 4 little scars on his abdomen from the surgery on his kidney and liver, and the scars on his face were barely noticeable.

“Detective Chuckles.There’s a sandwich in the fridge, your pills are on the counter and you’re supposed to drink water.”

“Got it Sarge.” 

He took out the sandwich, shlepped over to the table and took his meds. He caught Platt looking at him and almost opened us mouth to show her that he actually took them.”

“Where is everyone?”

“The guys got a case and Will’s at work.”

“Got you on babysitting duty huh?”

“It’s not so bad. You’ve got Netflix, so, Netflix and chill can’t beat that. “

Jay spit out his water and started coughing, grabbing his still sore ribs in the process.

Trudy ran to the table where her favorite, but not gunna admit it, detective was practically coughing up a lung and was a little freaked out. “Halstead. You okay?Should I call Will?”

“I…good...” He chokes out, “fine. I’ll be fine.”He coughs some more and tries to take a deep breath. “Went down the wrong pipe.”

She wants to whack him on the back to help but stops for a number of reasons, least of which, his ribs were still sore.The other reason makes her heart hurt.

He finally gets his breath, “I’m fine. Thanks Sarge.”

“Well eat up.”

She goes back to sit down and unpauses the movie. He doesn’t eat or drink yet, because he has a feeling he knows what’s coming next and doesn’t want to choke to death.

She doesn’t disappoint. She pats the couch, “come watch the movie. It’s a classic and if anyone deserves to chill it’s you.”

Oh dear God in heaven. He wants to fall off the chair laughing, considering Platt just basically asked him to have sex.But he kept a straight face.

He would keep this forever in his Platt comeback arsenal, it would come in handy.

“I’m going to go lay down. Thanks for staying Sarge.”

“No problems Chuckles. Get some rest.”

He closes the door, “That’s Detective Chuckles...”

“Ya ya. So I’ve heard.

He grabs his phone and lays on the bed. Though mostly healed, his ribs are killing him but the meds would kick in soon and this was so worth the pain.

**J:Hails. OhdearLord!Platt’s babysitting.**

**...**

**...**

**H:Ya sorry we got a case. Wrapping up now.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**H:Jay?** ****

_He’s laughing too hard to text._ ****

**J:Gimme a sec.**

**...**

**H:K**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**J: Platt just sai**

**...**

**J: Sorry hold on. Hit send too early.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**J: Sry. Hold.**

**…**

**…**

**J: Can’t stop laughing. Platt just said ‘Netflix and Chill’ then patted the couch and invited me to watch a movie said “if any one deserved to chill it was me.”**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**J: I’m going to need more meds. My ribs are killing me from laughing.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**H: OMG. Oh holy god! She doesn’t know what it means...that she basically just asked you to have sex.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**H: Jay. This is gold.**

**...**

**...**

**J: I know. I’m never gunna let her live it down.**

**...**

**J: But wait. There’s more.**

**H: what?**

**J: SHE’S WATCHING FROZEN.**

XXXXXXX

**2 weeks later**

He doesn’t know why he did it, was pissed at himself at first, but ultimately it turned out to be a good thing.He accepted the collect call.He had rejected all his others but for some reason picked it up this time.

_“Will!Thank…thank you for picking up.”_

_“What do you want?”_

_“I just want to talk, explain what happened…this whole thing is, well it’s just a mess.”_

_“I saw what happened with my own eyes, so I don’t want an ‘explanation’ from you.”_

_“Will, please, I’m your dad…let me…”_

_“Look, Dr. Halstead…don’t call me anymore…in fact, instead of pretending you only have one son, why don’t you face the truth, you no longer have any children.You always treated Jay like he didn’t count.Well, how ‘bout this, you are the one that doesn’t count. Don’t call me again.”_ ****

After he hung up he sat in his car and sobbed.It was a letting go, relief. He felt like whatever had been sitting on his chest had suddenly picked up and left. He blew out a breath and wiped his eyes, then called T-Mobile and changed his number. ****

**XXXXXXX** ****

He walks into the District and takes a deep breath.He’s back.It may just be desk duty, but he’ll take it.He walks through the doors and the source of a lifetime of entertainment is scowling at her rookies, that is until she sees Jay and turns beet red. She clamps her lips shut so tightly, they are a thin white line.The contrast with her beet red face kind of makes her look like a muppet, but he’ll keep that to himself.She pretends she didn’t see him and busies herself shuffling papers.

He stands in front of her for a moment, enjoying her embarrassment, then slides an envelope across the desk, “Got you and Mouch a years subscription to Netflix. Thought you might enjoy it.”

Her face gets even more red which doesn’t seem humanly possible but then again, this is Platt, so that human thing is already questionable.

He taps the desk and heads for the scanner. As soon as the gate buzzes, he turns back and gives her a wink then jogs up the stairs.

Voight arrives a few minutes later looking frighteningly chipper.

“Morning Trudy."

“Hank.”

He takes a good look at her and frowns. “You okay?”

She clears her throat, “Ya, I...”

“Hold on Trudy.” He frowns at his phone reading a text, then replies back. The whole time he is humming ‘Let it Snow’ from Frozen.

She doesn’t catch it at first but when she does she turns beat red again.

“Sorry Trudy... you were saying?”

She gives him a sewer of a stink eye when she see the big grin on his face.

Halstead comes to the gate, lifts his chin to Voight, “Ivory Tower Sarge. “

Jay holds the gate open for Voight so he can get to his call, then takes the opportunity to give Platt one more wink and a shit eating grin before jogging back up the steps.

She yells after him, “This means war Halstead.”

He answers back from the top of the stairs with laughter in his voice, “Bring it Sarge. Bring it.”

She opens the envelope and reads the Netflix information.As embarrassed as she is, she can’t help but grin. Detective Chuckles is back...but ohhh would he would pay.

**XXXXXXX**

Jay’s in the break room getting coffee when he hears Adam greet Hailey.He watches as she hangs her coat on the back of her chair and grins when she notices right off the bat, the plastic green army soldier, the sniper, laying on the top of her monitor.Her eyes are glassy when she looks at him, but her grin matches his in wattage. 

He turns around chuckling, while she digs in her bag, shaking her head and laughing.He sighs a relieved, happy, grateful, sigh.He’s glad to be back to work for so many reasons.He pours Hailey a coffee and brings it out just as she’s sitting down at her desk.

He hands her the cup, “Partner” then sits down at his desk and puts his feet up.

She smiles and sips her coffee, “Partner.”

His smile falters for a moment and a plethora of emotions cross his face when he notices the yellow Power Ranger standing guard underneath his monitor.He takes his feet off his desk and leans forward, arms resting on his desk as he holds the small yellow ranger in both hands.

When he finally pulls his eyes away from Hailey’s gift, he looks at her, eyes filled with tears, “Hailey…”

That one word is loaded with so much emotion she gets chokes up,“Welcome back Jay.”

The look they exchange says everything.Then grins light up each of their faces and they both bust up laughing.Surprise childhood guardians exchange-great minds think alike or maybe in their case, hearts. _Your heart knows my heart._

**XXXXXXX**

A couple of hours later, Jay was ignoring paperwork so he could focus on soaking in the atmosphere of his second home, when his phone vibrated with a text from a number he didn’t recognize.

**Hey. It’s Will. This is my new number.**

He sucked in a breath and slowly blew it out, feeling emotional and trying to rein it in. He knew his dad had been calling Will almost daily.He hadn’t been quite sure how he felt about that, but made sure Will knew he would be there if he needed him.Will changing his number was a big deal.

Of course Hailey being Hailey, noticed and raised her eyebrow at him in silent inquiry. He smiled an, ‘I’m good’ back at her, then focused on his phone.

**Got it. You okay?**

**...**

**Yup. I’m good. Love ya**

**...**

**Love you too, bro!Talk later.**

XXXXXXX

Jay came in early his third day back.He went straight to Voight’s office, sat down, took a big breath and sighed, his focus somewhere outside the window.When Jay finally looked at Voight, he found out why his detective was sitting in his office at 5:30 in the morning.

“They’re transferring my dad to Statesville today.He finally took the plea.” 

“So I heard.How you feel about that?" 

He leans back in the chair, “Not sure… … not even sure there’s a feeling that would even fit.” 

Voight watches all the feelings flit across the kid’s face and he can see that too many feelings fit. 

“Same deal as at county, kid.Maurice’s guys’ll look out for your dad.”

Jay just nods his head, lost in his thoughts.Voight can see the war raging within the kid and he’s pretty sure Jay didn’t hear him.

_He knew his dad deserved to be in prison, well a part of him knew it. The other part was still wrapping his head around the fact that his dad was going to prison because of him.Shit.When will he stop doing this. Not because of him, not because of him, because of what his dad did to him._

_He still had a hard time reconciling what their dad going to prison might be doing to Will. One day their dad was Will’s hero, the next day he was a child abuser and criminal.He had talked to Dr. Charles about this a couple of times but he still went round and round about it more often than not._

He was drawn out of his thoughts by Voight, “I know you’re torn about your dad being in prison. I get that, and I know you’re worried about Will and what this is doing to him.”

“There is a part of me that wants my dad to have a shit existence and for him to get his ass kicked on a regular basis.But I can’t do that boss.We can’t let that happen.I can’t do that to Will.It would kill him.”

“I know kid, I know.”

He comes around the desk and leans against it, giving Jay no choice but to look at him.

“I won’t let that happen.You’re a good man Jay. You wear your heart on your sleeve and I know I’ve given you shit for that in the past, but it’s part of your makeup and I wouldn’t change it even if I could. This unit needs that. It’s who you are and we all…” he points to the bullpen, “…are better for it.I’m proud of you.”

Jay doesn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t talk even if he did know what to say for the lump in his throat.

“For the most part he’ll be protected.And he’ll end up with every shit job there is.”

"For the most part?”

“Let it go Jay.Just let it go.For once in your life think of yourself.Don’t concern yourself with Dr. Halstead.”

He knew what Voight meant when he said _“for the most part.”_ His dad wouldn’t be maimed, raped, killed or _seriously_ injured but it wouldn’t be a cake walk.He could live with that and would focus on the fact that his dad would be cleaning the shittiest places in the prison and more than likely be a jail house doctor for the dredges of society, his ego would surely take a hit for that.

Voight looks at his detective and is proud of the man he is.Proud that Jay is nothing like himself.Proud that Jay’s moral compass still points true north, even after working in his unit all these years.And given everything the kid has gone through, he can’t ever see it changing…and for that he is proud.He doesn’t want Jay to be like him.He wants Jay to be better than him in every sense of the word…and he is, he has been since he first walked up the steps to Intelligence.

“I’ll make sure he’s okay, kid. I had Maurice put one of his lieutenants on it this morning. Moses is doing life, he has the situation in hand.Dr. Halstead won’t have it easy in any sense of the word but the worst of worst that can happen in prison won’t happen to your dad…”

“Thanks boss.”

“You’re a good man Jay…I wish you would’ve had a dad that told you that.You deserved to hear it.”

A small smile slides onto Jay’s face as he gets up to leave the office.“Thanks boss, I just did.” ****

**XXXXXXX** ****

**3 months later** ****

Dr. Halstead blanched when he saw Moses sitting in one of the visitor booths. He couldn’t see who he was talking to, but just being in close proximity was always nerve racking.Moses scared him.He’s afraid to do something wrong because the result was a black eye, cleaning the disgusting bathrooms or some other demeaning job.

Moses and his ‘crew’ pretty much ruled the roost.It scared him to get knocked around and wonder if this was the time he would get killed or _worse_ , but it never happened.Moses also kept others from laying a finger on him or even looking at him.He seemed to be, for lack of a better word, _owned_ by Moses and his crew. 

Not wanting to appear as if he’s eavesdropping on the big man’s conversation, he looked straight ahead while he waited for his visitor.He’s hoping it might be Will and that he’d had a change of heart. He’s had no visitors since he’d been transferred to Statesville, so he couldn’t think of who else it might be.

He startled when suddenly Moses was towering over him with an odd smile on his face, the man did that a lot and it was unnerving, he never knew what was coming next, a backhand or laughter at his fear.Today was a ‘laugh at his fear’ day as the man’s booming laughter filled the small room.When Moses was done terrorizing him, he talked to the guard like they were old friends, then left the room, no cuffs.

A moment later, Moses’ visitor got up to leave.He shuddered when the visitor stopped in front of him and he actually thought he might vomit. 

Jay. 

The fear that landed on his dad’s face was somewhat satisfying, but his fading bruises caused an internal flinch.But he let that go.His dad made his own bed and Jay could live with him having to lay in it.

He had nothing to say to the man, being seen talking to Moses and looking his dad in the eye said what needed to be said. 

He turned away from his dad, said goodbye to the guard and walked away.That was the last his dad would see of him.

XXXXXXX

He lifted his chin at Voight as he picked up his badge and gun at Receiving.

“You good?”

 _Was he good?_ It was his first and last visit to see his dad at Statesville.He drew in a breath and let it out, falling into step beside Voight.He chuckled and turned to his boss with a genuine smile on his face, “Ya, I’m good…really good,” and then with Voight at his side, he walked out of his prison a free man.

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is. I hope you liked it. Thanks for all the support and kudos and reviews on this story. It has meant the world to me. You guys are the bombdiggity!!!!
> 
> Not sure what will be coming next. I have 3 or 4 one shots that are almost done and the next chapter of He’s a Keeper is also almost done, but I’ll have to see what my muse feels like working on. There is an element of He’s a Keeper that I’m struggling with and I’m trying to decide what to do with it. So anyway, thanks for your patience there too. Stay safe party people!


End file.
